Dating, Relationships livingaboard

[Lizzy Belle]

Originally Posted by laika

think women must swoon left and right to get in on a piece of the glossy yachting lifestyle I lead.

[JPA Cate]

She31, mister,

Having been single ten years following the "disastrous breakup" of a 20 yr. marriage, I think the best possible choice is to follow your own interests. If you do your "homework" psychologically, and come to realize your parts in the breakup, and also to the point where you forgive the one who hurt you so much, then you may find the right person. But, if you don't, you still have pursued your own heart's path, and I know that reads sappy, but at the end of the day, it is yourself you've gotta live with, and while you're still hurting and needy, you'll scare off (unintentionally) any worthy partner.
I think this is the only win/win path.

With your business skills, you may find other places to move to, one doesn't ever really know what one's future holds, anyhow, [look at Lizzy Belle's thread about her marina hassles], but following your interests and building new boatowner skills will be fun! You'll be surprised how content you often feel--and that contentment, that, exactly is "being happy". You don't get continual bliss, that is for rare moments, but that calm, all is well feeling, that is "happy."

I had to smile, Hudson writes that he and Nancie are not exceptional. He is wrong, couples like him and her are very rare, very high levels of good naturedness and willingness to approach things together. Perhaps he feels humble, but they're really special. He's the only one like him on CF, with its thousands of members. And Jim and I have only been together since 1988...after I had been through the process I outlined above.

Now, go get busy on the boat, and quit distracting yourself playing internet. ;-) And follow Hudson's advice,

I think your odds are best if you remain true to your passion for sailing and your life aboard, but your odds increase if you establish a "home port". Choose a place that has sailing and cruising clubs, local races and marina activities. Join in the activities common to sailors in an active sailing community.

Ann

[thomm225]

Originally Posted by Sea Dreaming

I dont think its a problem. There really is someone for every body. I just finished The Dove, about Robin Graham. He found his wife at 18 or so while on his solo circumnavigation. He had a 24 foot boat. They are still married. The famous line is "men have been going to sea for millenia " but where there are men there are women.

Yeah, still married and living in the mountains far away from the sea and sailing

[Sea Dreaming]

Originally Posted by she31sailor

I know Robin and Patti personally (random family connection). He now lives in inland, and he never really cruised actually in adulthood, left sailing almost altogether after his circumnavigation. I think I actually have more years on a boat than him despite is late fame.

I gathered that he took to land from his wikipedia page. But if you know the Grahams then you also know that the boat itself was not an issue. Which is really the point. Circumstances might make connections more interesting, but generally, if a couple is right for one another, you make it work.
The point is, you are planning for an extraordinary life. Are you really interested in settling for an ordinary mate just so you arent alone? Are you willing to live to your own standards or are you just seeking a warm body?

[daletournier]

Originally Posted by Lizzy Belle

I'm a single liveaboard too - be it a female one, in my early 40's. In my marina (in the Netherlands) there are quite a few single liveaboards; all males tho. Single female liveaboards are very, very rare in the Netherlands.

Most of the males complain about females not wanting to live on a boat cos they want more creature comforts, more space, more luxury etc. Anyway - we all know how the average male sailor talks about "The Admiral"

From my experience, the same is true for male landlubbers. Since living on a boat is a rare thing in my country, most people will assume something bad has happened forcing me to live on a boat. Maybe I became homeless? Ran away from an abusive husband? Hiding from the law?

So whenever I answer the unavoidable 'where do you live?' question, I usually have to follow up explaining that nope, I'm not in any trouble, I choose to live on my boat. Followed by many questions about my sanity

When they step on the boat, they wonder where the shower is (next to the marina office), how to get hot water (use the darn kettle) and where to put their stuff (I told you not to bring too much) -- etc. etc.
When sailing for the first time, a heeling boat makes for unhappy landlubbers, and plenty of guys are afraid the boat will just 'fall over'. Baby steps are required.

When dating, the boat -or rather, my refusing to move back to land and just go to the boat on a sunny Sunday afternoon- usually becomes a deal breaker. And while it might be nice to have a partner at some point, I'm assuming it'll be a landlubber forcing me to live on the hard too. Which may be fine one day, but is definitely not something I'll even consider now.

People often wonder why I don't "hook up" with one of the male solo sailors. As if being a liveaboard is all it takes for two people to match, fall in love and live happily ever after
Funny thing is, we're all happy as we are. We love our lifestyle and our boats. We're free spirits, used to going where and when we feel like on a moments notice.
We mostly date landlubbers that enjoy our 'funny way of life' and day sailing, and move on when they start complaining about public marina showers and lack of creature comforts on sailing boats

If I ever meet a guy who's willing to live on a boat (and yes, I do understand that'll have to be a bigger boat then the one I'm living on now) then great! If not, that's OK too. I've been single for most of my life and while it can get a little lonely sometimes, it's usually not an issue (for me anyway) as I am pretty happy with my life (I'm a bit of a loner, I guess).

Either way -- I have tried to compromise where I didn't really want to. I have tried being who people wanted me to be - trading in my dreams for theirs. It doesn't work.

For me, the great thing about turning 40 was feeling like I was done trying to please others. I now live my life as I want to, and am a lot happier for it.
I'm willing to share my life, but I won't change it to fit into someone else's life ... (so I'll probably die an old, single cat lady on a boat, haha!).

Very well said.

Sent from my vivo Y35 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

[MarkJ]

It shows how stupid I am... or the writers on this forum, that I don't know even if they are female or male, let alone single.

If you can't even mention your gender on an anonymous forum how are you going to get laid in real life?

If you grow up and admit to people you are *actually* single you might get somewhere. But if all you can do is lie and pull the victim status (my ob didn't start) then you will be in the Earths great list of losers who never even got a partner.

Without being a slut (male or female) you gotta get off your butt before life passes you by.


Mark

Sent from a stupid phone that replaces words with weird stuff.

[Island Time O25]

To OP:

I believe you have it backwards wanting to find a soulmate and THEN start looking for your happiness. IMO you look for and find your own happiness first and a happy person is like honey to the flies so to speak, so someone right will find you if and when you're happy with yourself. It may sound a bit trite and banal but old Joe Campbell's "follow you bliss" is still the best advice I've ever read in my life. And it still works miracles.

[Lepke]

You have to live your dream or another person's dream. If your main happiness comes from living on a boat you need to restrict your partners to those that appear to want your lifestyle.
I've been a sailor most of my life. The only place that ever feels like a home to me is aboard a boat or ship. It never stopped me from having a wife and girlfriends. Just not at the same time. You meet a lot of people on the water, especially cruising. If they talk about houses and furniture, they're not for you.
After my divorce, 29 years ago - but whose counting - I looked for a woman that was no trouble. Not only did I not meet one, I never even heard of one.
If I knew as a younger man what I know today, or had listened to the old timers of my day, I would have been living my dream decades earlier.

[Stu Jackson]

Originally Posted by Island Time O25

To OP:

I believe you have it backwards wanting to find a soulmate and THEN start looking for your happiness. IMO you look for and find your own happiness first and a happy person is like honey to the flies so to speak, so someone right will find you if and when you're happy with yourself. It may sound a bit trite and banal but old Joe Campbell's "follow you bliss" is still the best advice I've ever read in my life. And it still works miracles.

After reading the posts by Ann & Lizzy, this is THE right thing to consider.

Just returned from a great cruise down the California coast. First time out in the ocean for my wife of 30 years. She was seasick for the first time in her life and we've been sailing SF Bay for the past 35 years together. The conditions on Friday we challenging, but not life threatening. Heavy winds, big seas. I reveled in it, she not so much, right? But once on land, we had a blissful weekend.

The trick is that BOTH of us enjoyed what we were doing.

If YOU don't, then it all goes downhill really quickly.

Find YOUR sweet spot and stay with it. The rest will come.

Good luck.

[Jim Cate]

Well, I'm no expert, but a long time ago I was divorced and in the early stages of the sailing disease. My approach at first then was to find a lady that seemed attractive to me, and introduce her to sailing. Had a number of failures at this. Then as I got more involved in the sailing scene, I met ladies who were already sailors. Wow, what a difference... they had the same disease that I had, and there was at least some instant rapport. And eventually, that's how I met Ann... crewing on someone else's boat for a day race that I wasn't entered in. And here we are nearly thirty five years later, still sailing and still speaking to each other, mostly nicely!

So, developing relationships while being a devoted sailor can be done, but for the most part seeking a partner in the usual urban dating/partying scene is a waste of time for all involved... or worse, it will lead you to swallow the anchor prematurely.

Jim

[valhalla360]

If you are the typical (yeah there is no such thing) solo sailor, it definitely will kill your chances and the older you get the worse your odds.


If you want to get the girl, you need to woo the girl and that means a clean well kept boat, keep yourself clean and well kept. Still going to be harder than a guy with a house, new car and a career though.


It's never a zero chance but it generally works against you.

[Lizzy Belle]

Originally Posted by valhalla360

new car and a career

Maybe it would help to have a look at less shallow females

[boatman61]

Shuck the 'I'm Desperate' neon across the forehead..
I find things happen for me most often when I'm Not trying..
Take a leaf out of the Bower Birds book.. build the boat/nest and then introduce the candidates with your mating dance..

[Lizzy Belle]

Originally Posted by boatman61

then introduce the candidates with your mating dance..

Ah, so THAT'S what you were doing in that weird beach video I can't seem to forget

[ol1970]

As a single man in his 40's whose never been married, but never been happier, I say screw it...do the things in life that make you happy (without being a self absorbed jerk). You will be exponentially more likely to meet a lasting partner if you aren't trying to "sell" your lifestyle and activities you are passionate about. I've never struggled to have a significant other, some beauty queens, some not (lol..okay most not ), but the best relationships are the ones that are based on common interests and that have the fundamental ability to hold a conversation without driving you nuts. Yes, the probability goes way down living on a boat, but you could waste your life away waiting for Mrs. Right who may never come, or you can get out there and live the life you want. My guess is Mrs. Pretty Damn Close to Right will come along...then you grab her and hold on because nobody will ever check all the boxes! (if not supermodels would never be getting a divorce)