The Joke Thread

[conachair]

The grim reaper knocked at the door last night
, I beat him up with a vacuum cleaner and he left. It was a case of Dyson with death.....

[Weatherhelm]

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like ****, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).

[Weatherhelm]

A Guy walks out of a bar. Man asks if he wants to buy a talking dog. Guy tells him to get lost. The dog says, "I do talk, and you can give him a low ball offer, because I will not work for him any longer."

So the guy buys the dog, goes back into the bar and states, "I just bought a talking dog and I give two to one odds the this dog can talk in complete sentences." Everyone lays down some money. The dog just stands there wagging his tail. Nothing. After a few minutes of that, the guy has to pay up.

They leave, the guy turns to the dog and asks why?

The dog said, "think of the odds we will get tomorrow."

[Weatherhelm]

A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The bartender yells 'Hey, no dogs in here!" The guy says "Well, this isn't just any old dog, he can talk!" The bartender looks skeptical, of course. "Yeah right, mac. Take it outside."

The guy says "No, really! Listen to this. Hey, Sparky, say hi to the bartender." The dog jumps up on a barstool, offers his paw and says quite clearly "How do you do, nice to meet you." The bartender is just amazed!

"Wow, I've never met a talking dog before! This is incredible!"

So he starts talking to the guy and the dog, and during the conversation the bartender gets an idea. "Hey, would you and your dog like to help me play a trick on someone?" The guy and the dog look at each other, then they both turn to the bartender. "What would we have to do?" the dog asks him.

The bartender points through the window at the front of the bar. "See the bar across the street, Tom's Place?" The guy and the dog look, then nod.

"Me and Tom, the owner over there, love to play jokes on each other. So how about if the dog goes over there, orders a beer. Then he takes a drink, spits it out and says the beer is better here at my bar!"

The dog and the guy look at each other again, then they both shrug. "Sure, why not?" says the guy. The dog nods. "Yeah, that would be funny, but I don't have any money to pay for the beer."

"No problem!" says the bartender and he pulls a five out of the register. "Here you go."

So the dog takes the money and trots out of the bar. They wait, making small talk. And they wait. And they wait. Finally the bartender wonders out loud where the dog is, figuring he would have returned by now. The guy shrugs and tells the bartender he'll go see what's up.

He walks out of the bar, and there, in the middle of the street, is the dog, banging away on a fancy French poodle. The guy is shocked. "Sparky!! What the hell?! I've never seen you do this before?"

The dog looks up as he continues to rail the poodle. "Well hell, man...I've never had five dollars before!"

[Weatherhelm]

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories of the first time I took my son out for a beer came flooding back. Off we went to our local pub which was only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Budweiser. He didn't like it so I drank it. Then I ordered him a Busch Light and he didn't like that either ... so I drank it. It was the same with the Miller and Miller Lite. By the time we got down to the Pabst Blue Ribbon I could hardly push the stroller home.

[Weatherhelm]

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the
receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a
convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my
life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be
possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went
to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the
will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what
you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your
will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,
I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be
distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life,
people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like
them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my
funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have
a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But
tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining
$5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've
lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept
with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a
man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see
what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric
spinster and her weird request.

After thinking about how much she could do around the house with
$5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to
provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow
morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and
waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour,
but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his
head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County
bury her!"

[Weatherhelm]

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'

[Coops]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bulls*** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit..
Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember anything.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica... Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

Coops.

[SmartMove]

Thanks Coops, it has been a rough week and I needed a laugh.


Sent from my iPad using Cruisers Sailing Forum

[Coops]

Have another one then.

A man shows his friend how different animals eat their food, with hilarious results. [VIDEO]

Coops.

[MBWhite]

PG-13 warning....


2 buddies were playing tennis at the country club, and afterwards shower and get dressed. One of the guys puts on his shirt and underwear, then sits down and starts putting on some pantyhose.

His buddy says "When did you start wearing pantyyhose?"

To which his friend replied, "Ever since my wife found a pair under the seat of the car."

[D&D]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the Local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by D&D

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the Local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

You forgot a couple

18 - Either you or your dog are named Bubba or Duke
19- There isn't any more room in the gun rack in the cab of your pick for another shotgun
20- The only time you aren't wearing your CAT baseball cap is when you are wearing your cowboy hat
21- Everyone who lives in the your county has the same last name as you
22- There are at least two abandoned cars on blocks outside your double wide
23- You have the world's largest satelite dish in your front yard
24 -you kiss your wife and kick your dog (sorry I got that one backwards)
you named your son Bubbba or Duke. You named your daughter LouEllen or BobbyJo
25- You are a card-carrying member of the NRA and have a bumper sticker on your pickup that says so

[Ex-Calif]

26 - Your sofa in the front yard is nicer than the one in the house
27 - Your house is mobile and your car isn't

[capt-couillon]

Ya might be a "boat-bum" if....

1. Your best pair of shoes are made by Sperry...

2, You consider duct tape a long term investment...

3. You know more than 3 ways to fix Spam...

4. You married a younger woman 'cause she could still climb the mast...

5. You have a "good" pair of flip-flops...

6. You know that a bulkhead isn't an Ensign...

7. ? ? ?