The Joke Thread

[D&D]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Coops!! Jump in here mate & give us a laugh!!!

[svmariane]

#MeanwhileInCyberspace....

probably stolen from somewhere:

I can sadly tell I'm growing up by my attraction to women.
I know this because unfortunately my quests for butts and boobs
are all too quickly being replaced with phrases like
"Goddamn look at the emotional availability on that one" or
"Yeah girl, shake that independent personality that
will allow me to pursue my ambitions."

[Sun and Moon]

Originally Posted by dirtyFred

What do they say in Jamaica, when they run out of weed?
- "What is this **** music?!?!"

The way I heard it was

What did the tele-skier say when he stopped smoking dope?

Man, these bindings suck!

[BandB]

Wifey B: A young woman was very depressed and decided to end it all by throwing herself into the sea. Just as she was about to do so though, a young handsome sailor ran down to the shore and talked her out of it. "Look, you are young. There is so much you could do with you life." said the sailor. "In fact, my ship is sailing for America in the morning. I'll smuggle you on board and make sure you have plenty of food. If you'll just help me pass the lonely evening hours, I will get you over to America where you can start a new life."

That sounded great to the young women who took up living secretly in a cabin on board ship. Every evening the sailor would bring her some food and the two would spend the night together.
After about a week of this though, the ship's captain discovered the woman hiding in the sailor's cabin. "What are you doing in here?" asked the captain. "Well, I have a deal with one of your sailors. He is smuggling me over to America, and he's screwing me."

"I'll say!" replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Matt sachs

I have learned a new word....I wish I didnt, but now I do. Merkin...LOL

Always used to make me laugh when a certain US President said "My fellow merkins...."

[Coops]

"Aussie Radio Contest."


Read right until the end...

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why. !
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney ..

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.
The game is called 'Mate Match'.

The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.
If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification.
If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM.. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have..'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.

What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what.?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sarah.'

DJ: 'Is Sarah at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well.......'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes..'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh, ? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake..'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay.. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning.?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

3 minutes of commercials follow.

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we. ?'(Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kink's.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere. ?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours. ?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose..

Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, Okay,? Be completely honest.'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah.
If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah. ?

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian.....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: 'What time. ?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood.

We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready. ?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it.?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you. ?

'Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well....'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it.?

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....!!

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing..

Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation for minor traffic collisions.. !!!!
_________________

Coops.

[Coops]

A joke that is plain wrong. . . But funny too.......

What is the difference between rude crude and disgusting. . . ? Rude is taking your knickers off in public. Crude is throwing them at someone. . And disgusting is when they stick to that person!

Coops.

[Coops]

Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."


Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back: "Computer really buggered now.”

Coops.

[Coops]

Bought some "Olympic" coloured condoms today.

"Think I'll try the Gold one" I said to the Missus.

"No! Use the Silver one,come second for a change" she replies!!!

Coops.

[Jimbo485]

A USA Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired," he asked again.

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An Australian soldier sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, mate, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"

[avb3]

[dohenyboy]

A woman visits her doctor because she is overweight.
She explains why she eats too much.
"My husband does not finish all his dinner and I cannot bear to waste food so I eat it. Then when our son does not complete his meal I do the same."
The doctor asked "Have you ever thought of getting a pig?"
"Goodness gracious, doctor!" She replied. "You expect me to eat after a pig!"


Sent from an undisclosed location on the high seas or from the lounge chair by the pool, you decide.

[Coops]

"THE LAWNMOWER"

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in town.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 20 klms of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and
drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo KMart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.

I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all...

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand.

Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head.

I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over
who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once,
but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement,
where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times.

It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a
big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped
around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....
but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex
river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower
race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please
let me
die... Pleeeeaze
let me
die'.

But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI
motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of January, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.

God did not take me that day.....
he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created..

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas.

It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire
had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it wasbetter than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow...

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him,
and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Coops.

[Pelagic]

Great one Coops..... I have commercial prawn trawler mate in cairns who will appreciate it

[svmariane]

#MeanwhileInHazyMemory....

ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE

(Original authorship for this "report" is under dispute.)

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

A final thought -“Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.