The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by ChrisJHC

Another intricacy of Aussie measurements is that we use time instead of distance.
For example, how far is it from Sydney to Melbourne (by car)?
About 9 hours.

That makes sense, since the space-time continuum consists of four dimensions: the three dimensions of space [length, width, and height, or up/down, left/right, and forward/backward], plus the fourth dimension of time.

[El Pinguino]

Albury-Wodonga lasted as long as the Whitlam government.
Now while I can freely cross the river to Albury I need a pass to get back into Wodonga.
Done it twice recently - last month - the first time the checkpoint was unmanned - it was lunch time.
Week later nice young polis ( a pom) tried to scan the QR on my permit - it was windy - I offered to hold the A4 with both hands - 'Nope its this stupid Ipad - I'll just pretend I scanned it - off you go'
Life is hard in the colonies..

At least there is nothing dodgy about where I live - on the Black Dog Creek.

I'll give you the drum - a black dog is worth 10,000 Jack Russells.

[El Pinguino]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

A
Or, at least, I think that's what he told Russel Crowe who was, for some reason, both Master AND Commander....
!

Russel Crowe was claimed as a Kiwi for many years but is currently stateless as Australia doesn't want him either.

https://edition.cnn.com/2015/12/29/e...-twitter-rant/

I flew out of Auckland a few days later -they had disowned him after his mega dummy spit.

Any one got a joke??

[Jamme]

(New CF user): HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE!

(CF Mod): Welcome. Try pressing CapsLock.

(new CF user): AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!

[Jamme]

One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”

“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”

[Jamme]

A Texan tourist stands under the Eiffel tower in Paris and looks upon it in awe.

“Amazing tower,” he comments to a French guy nearby, “how many barrels does it get out in a day?”

[Jamme]

Women often call me ugly, but that’s only until they hear how much money I make.

Then they call me poor and ugly.

[carstenb]

Does anyone aside from me, the city of boston and google maps measure in Smoots?

[MicHughV]

I spent a lot of time in South Africa, where several languages are spoken. Native South Africans tend to switch from one language to another in mid-sentence. This confuses an outsider/foreigner no end, though making perfect sense to any South African, who can't understand the problem.

[HopCar]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

I spent a lot of time in South Africa, where several languages are spoken. Native South Africans tend to switch from one language to another in mid-sentence. This confuses an outsider/foreigner no end, though making perfect sense to any South African, who can't understand the problem.

This is what happens to language in Miami.

[Afrinus]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

I spent a lot of time in South Africa, where several languages are spoken. Native South Africans tend to switch from one language to another in mid-sentence. This confuses an outsider/foreigner no end, though making perfect sense to any South African, who can't understand the problem.

Ja Mic, it's a lekker tale to spiek....[emoji1787]

[GordMay]

***

[Afrinus]

As for measuring in SA, our farm was about 60 miles from home, which we drove to measuring speed in Km/h, while the last section of the road (the little road - which of course followed the big road) was about 1 hour long, to reach the farm of which the size was measured in morgen....

[DistantSailor]

Supposedly a Navy Seal saying:

You do not rise to the occasion - you sink to the level of your training.

[D&D]

So…..

A school teacher was arrested at John F. Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient
wooden device called a “slide-rule” as well as a code device
called an “abacus” that he claimed was a calculator. At a
morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes
the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did
not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with
carrying weapons of maths instruction. *

Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said.
“Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They
derive solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on
tangents in search of “absolute values”. “They use secret code
names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns,’
but we’ve determined that they belong to a common denominator of
the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.”***

Searches for other incriminating possessions revealed traces of
calculus & trig, the threats of which are being examined by
special agents.** Solutions are not expected soon.*

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3
sides to every triangle.'” When asked to comment on the arrest,
the President said, “If God had wanted us to have better
weapons of maths instruction, he would have given us more
fingers and toes.”*