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Old 21-12-2010, 07:37   #31
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Well, this was a very close family member talking to two of my friends...one which she had to really dig to find her contact info. Calling to specifically inquire in regards to the health of my marriage, and what my friend thought of our plans.

Triangulation at its finest. Put my poor friend on the spot. My friend didn't call me for weeks because she wasn't sure how to broach it with me. Has put us both in a weird position because she has known me since kindergarten. We have decided if this family member calls her again, my friend is just going to let her know that her allegiance lies with me and that the family member should call me herself.

I wrote a lengthy email to my family member and let her know that if she has issues she needs to talk to me directly. That implying that this is not my decision to go cruising, but just my husband pushing me into it is not only insulting, but disrespectful.

The other friend she contacted is a mutual friend who has a daughter who is my age and is also a friend.

This family member has a huge issue with confrontation and emotive communication. I am trying to have compassion but her behavior and lack of direct communication is just no longer alright with me. I also see where it is causing her so much pain in other relationships in her life. Just tough stuff.

But yes, zopi, there has definitely been some drift and it looks like the current may be picking up.
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Old 21-12-2010, 08:51   #32
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Thanks Maje...I did read 'An Embarrassment of Mangos' two years ago, but it sounds like it is time to revisit it again...
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Old 21-12-2010, 09:03   #33
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When it comes to talking about others and gossip, I love this saying which I found in another thread recently:

"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." -Eleanor Roosevelt
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Old 21-12-2010, 09:29   #34
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This family member has a huge issue with confrontation and emotive communication. I am trying to have compassion but her behavior and lack of direct communication is just no longer alright with me. I also see where it is causing her so much pain in other relationships in her life. Just tough stuff.
HH, I see from your signature you are in NC. Is that your original home and location of your family? If so, certainly you should understand the southern attitude on such things. Basically it's always better to talk about someone when they aren't there than to deal with issues directly. It just seems to be the southern way, from someone with a very large, southern family.

One other thought that occurred to me. Perhaps you've been a "good girl" for too long. In my case, my very straight family had to put up with me growing up and surviving the sixties and seventies. After that anything I do short of robbing the local mini-market is considered an improvement. So, maybe shake'em up a little. Do something really outrageous (join a cult, die your hair fluorescent orange, get a tattoo in the middle of your forehead, bring some bikers home for Christmas) and maybe they'll forget about the cruising stuff.
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Old 21-12-2010, 09:44   #35
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Talking Lots of good advice here

I can relate.

I was the bastard "making" her leave a "normal" life, good job, family, children. yada yada.

Hurricanes and pirates and sharks Oh My!

As if anyone strong enough to go cruising can be made to do anything she/he doesn't want to do! LOL

After a few months of fotos from El Caribe we didna care what anyone else thought We are now CLODs but not for any longer than we must.

Don't let the turkeys wear you down
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Old 21-12-2010, 10:08   #36
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The best revenge is living well.

My GF had the same criticisms with her immediate and extended family when we discussed our plans to go cruising a few years ago. She regretted mentioning it at all just as you said Heels.

We heard second hand very similar things said by family and even close friends behind our backs.
"She is just doing it because he wants her to."
"What a waste of time dreaming like that."
"Thats what rich people do. Where do they think they will get the money to do that."

My entire family sails so I never got anything but praise, hers not so much. So she kept quiet and finally last year she passed all the U.S Sailing Cruising Certs. Suddenly those people shut up real quick. When we went on a BVI charter ourselves last year some of those people just stopped talking to her all together, especially when the photos circulated. Really a shame that people can be so crass.

Her plan now is to bring a tiny photoprinter and postcard material so she can send out hundreds of postcards to all the nay-sayers from all over the world. She already has a Blog setup that she will make sure to forward to all of those that said we were incapable of achieving our dream.

Make sure to tell yourself that it is not something that should instill some form of insecurity about your abilities, but rather that those people that cast doubt on your dream really are just afraid or ashamed that they cannot sell the house and go cruising for a few years themselves. Its about their fear, not yours.

Keep your chin up Heels and take a photography course to better aid you in showing those that said "get real" what paradise looks like.
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Old 21-12-2010, 11:05   #37
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My sympathies to you! I'm going through a very similar situation with my "girls" with whom I've been friends with since high school.

When I let them know that I was about to move on to the boat (which will be in the next couple of weeks) no one said anything to my face... but gossiped between them. Two strains of thought seemed to emerge:

1. It's so tiny! How could they ever live in such a tiny space. I'm sure they'll be miserable. No TV! No luxuries!
2. It must be his fault. He is trying to live his dreams and is selfishly dragging Sarah into it. She's being a push-over by not standing up for what she wants.

It's the second that really gets to me. Aside from the assumption that they know what I want. Until I met Brodie, the men in my life weren't interested in sailing, never mind cruising. Finances in our early- to mid-twenties precluded buying a boat anyway. But it's always been my dream... Just one that felt out of reach. Since Brodie and I bought our first fixer up boat two years ago, a lot of our free time has been sucked up into it, especially since we traded up this summer to our cruising boat.

And that's where the venom really came out. I missed a few of our bi-weekly "girls nights"... Because I was working on the boat. I did this happily and willingly. Fewer lazy summer days with them at the beach... Because i was having a lazy summer day on the boat (and yes, they were always invited, but often declined) Impromptu evenings at the bar became evenings of repairing an impromptu head leak.

But it caused resentment with the girls. I was moving into something that not only could they not understand, but nor did they have any desire to.

Our cruising plans are far away so it hasn't caused much of a stir yet. I'm sure it will. I've already heard "You're going to die at sea." and "why can't you travel conventionally, like on a plane with everyone else?" they just don't "get" it. And that's fine. I love them to bits, I know they'll support me in the end, but the constan second guessing can be rough. Especially when combined with the implication that I'm giving up the good life to live someone else's dream.
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Old 21-12-2010, 11:35   #38
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The saddest, yet most incredible, commentary of all is the fact that I am starting to realize how much I have lived Life in the past to make others comfortable with my behavior.
And that's what so many people do when it's just no way to live.

You just need to live life for yourself, spouse and (if you have them) kids. Anything else and you aren't living your life, your living what someone else thinks your life should be.

I spent a year and a half in college, simply because that is what I felt was expected of me. I took a break and 17 years later am still on it. Many friends and family thought I was making a mistake, but I made the choice that was right for me. When my wife and I decide to go cruising, I'm sure they'll think the same. But, I don't care. We're doing what we want to do.

So don't worry about what anyone but your husband thinks. Others will either come around, or you'll realize they aren't very good friends/family anyway.
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Old 21-12-2010, 11:46   #39
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Wow Serah, sounds as if we are living parallel lives! I have some very supportive friends who understand why we are motivated to do this but many who don't. I had to laugh when I told one of my closest friends that I understand her concerns and I can understand if she is afraid I will die out there, to which she said, "Oh I am not afraid you will die out there, I just selfishly enjoy our weekly phone visits and I am really going to miss those." ;0)

Yes, maytrix, unfortunately I played the 'good girl' role way too long in my family. My parents were divorced when I was 10 years old, and let me tell you I made it so easy on them. I was self directed, worked since I was 15, got good grades, yada yada yada...so I think it is time to give them a few more gray hairs ;0)

Luckily I kept a journal all through college and as I was cleaning out I found this quote from March 21, 1990 when I was sailing a lot.

"Sailing has grabbed me - I went to a seminar in Annapolis at St. Johns College on the Galapagos Islands. A couple sailed there and just jumped from island to island. I think I could do that for five years at the least. That was a good night...."

I am so grateful I kept a journal then. I can't believe that I forgot all about that seminar until now. At that point I was racing on a 50 foot IOR boat on Chesapeake Bay with a great crew. Those were the days.

Nice to know I am back on the path to my dreams. I think I am done worrying now with all the 'what ifs' since many around me are doing that work for me. I will let them be the place holders of that energy and move on out and Live!
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Old 21-12-2010, 12:04   #40
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@High Heels; funny you mention your diary. I've journaled intermittently in life, but I just had a similar experience. I was digging through all my old boxes of mementos trying to cut it down as we prepare for the big move. I found a small drawing that my closest friend had made in high school; it was one of those drawings of the brain, highlighting your apparent interests. Prominent on mine were: skipping class, calculus, boys, and sailing (though I must admit, the "boys" section was just slightly larger than the sailing section)

It's a nice reminder when you're hearing how you're letting go of your dreams to chase his, that in fact, it has always been your dream.
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Old 21-12-2010, 14:15   #41
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Question and something of a hijack I guess. Mea culpa.

How many men get BS for wanting to go cruising?
All the men I know were jealous but I don't recall any telling me I was doing something wrong.
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Old 21-12-2010, 14:30   #42
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HH

Does this person who objects to your plans have any way of doing anything about it?
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Old 21-12-2010, 14:35   #43
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They are seemingly blaming my husband for the fact I was working on one of our boat's bottoms last winter/spring mostly on my own (I am self employed at the moment and working very little) and that this is not 'woman's work'.
It's your bottom - paint it if you want to!

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It is partially my fault
No, NO and ***NO!!!***

It is not your fault that you have a dream and you want to move it forward.


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BUT, I do not think this gives them the right to bad mouth my plans and me behind my back.
OK - I'll agree with that bit.


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What this high lights for me is that as much as I want to think the world is one that is equal, there is still this belief that women should stay with in certain parameters, and certain expectations do exist in a great majority of people's minds in regards to what women 'should' do with their lives.
There's a lot of nutters out there. I can't think of any other explanation. What amazes me is how many of those holding women back are women themselves.... My wife has a degree in Electrical & electronic engineering and she says that, as a student, every man she told said "good for you" and every woman said "why do you want to do that? Why not do nursing/secretarial/business/caring/etc..."

Personally I will back my daughters (I have no sons) in anything they want to do. I will not stand in the way of their dreams because I have my life and my choices and their life is for them to make their choices. As Zeehag says "Life is for living" and she is sooo right!

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I am smart enough to realize some of this is fear of losing me either just in proximity, or a fear that I will perish out there in the Ocean.
Or it could be a dose of the good old "green-eyed monster". Plain old fashioned jealousy and envy. Go sailing. Live your dream and to hell with the nay-sayers and back-biters.
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Old 21-12-2010, 15:08   #44
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hh-- drop them damn heels and run barefoot thru the surf!!!! GEAUX , GURL---live. buy spot tracker and use it.
im/skype once per week to your close buds- they will flip with glee..LOL
pix pix pix .... show how happy ye are !!
they may come around to your point of view--post the most incredible pix you can take--learn to use camera really really well so you can do this--lol i had to learn a new camera for my trips..was fun!!! got some righteous pix...
show how happy you are while on board and cruising--they will definitely come around--
tell them ye wont die-- that ye has built in floatation,,,LOL
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Old 21-12-2010, 16:39   #45
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Dear Highheels: Let me give you some perspective...... I am a 52 year old woman.
- I went to an ivy league university and earned a bachelors, a masters and TWO doctorate degrees..... they said a woman couldn't do it....
- I then became a wildlife veterinarian with all of the gun shooting, roping and physical danger involved.....they said a woman couldn't do it....I did it for 25 years..
- I never had children, because of the demands of my work...... everyone has been critical of this decision...
- I've had six sailboats in my life, starting with a 19' and currently own a 52' Kanter ocean Cruiser.... they said a woman couldn't do it... I have singlehanded my current boat over 10,000 nautical miles....


ERASE the gender issues- they only exist in the minds of others......
ERASE the fear of cruising- it is unfounded.......
DO NOT follow the norm, nor follow the crowd..... so much more is possible beyond what the average person expects out of life....

Every individuals cruising experience is different; you will not transform into someone you are not just because you step off of the dirt and onto a boat....
The cruising population is a subset of the general population, and retains some representation of all of the good and bad therein..... but your experience cruising is dictated by your goals, expectations and initiative...

Hoping you enter into a voyage of discovery of the seas as well as self-discovery...

Regards... Michele....sv Nautilus
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