The Joke Thread

[Little Otter]

An American sailor on vacation walks into a bar in Tokyo and sits down to have a drink. After a few minutes in walks a man dressed in ancient battle armor and brightly colored robes walks in and sits down next to the sailor. The sailor turns to him and asks why he is dressed like that.the man replies:

I have just come from samurai competition I number three samurai in all Japan.

The sailor looks at him with obvious doubt and says no way, you're just pullin my leg.

The samurai replies AHHH not so allow me to demonstrate, with that he pulls out a vile containing a fly pulls the cork removes his sword and ZAT cuts the fly clean in two.

Stunned the sailor buys the man a drink and continues to ponder what he just witnessed. a few minutes after the man leaves another man dressed very similarly walks in and sits down next to the sailor. the sailor asks if the man has just come from a samurai competition. The man says I am number two samurai in all Japan. The sailor laughs and replies hah the number three samurai just came in here and cut a fly in half, what can you do? The ma looks at him and says ahhh allow me to demonstrate, and pulls out a vile containing a fly pops the cork pulls out his sword and ZAT ZAT ZAT, the fly falls to the bar quartered. Astonished and in disbelief at what he has just seen the sailor buys the samurai a drink and has a few more himself. A few minutes after the second samurai leaves a man walks in dressed almost exactly like the last two and sits down beside the sailor, the sailor looks and says don't tell me, you've just come from a samurai competition. The man replies ahh yes I am number one samurai in all Japan. The sailor starts laughing and says ohhh no, number three came in and halved a fly, then number two came in and quartered a fly you can't possibly beat that. The ma says oh not so allow me to demonstrate, pulls out a vile containing a fly pops the cork retrieves his sword and ZAT the fly flies out the door of the bar. Well the sailor starts laughing so hard he falls off the stool, a few minutes later he gets up and says man number three came in and cut a fly in half, number two came in and quartered a fly, and then you come in and miss the entire fly. The samurai looks at him and says oh not so fly may fly some more but fly no F*%# no more.

[micah719]

[micah719]

Three surgeons are talking shop at the bar after a holiday sail.

The first says, "The best folks to operate on are librarians: they are quiet under anaesthetic, the index is exhaustive and cross-referenced, and everything is neatly labeled and alphabetically arranged."

Surgeon No. 2 replies, "In my experience it is the electrician that is most pleasant to work on: everything is colour-coded and has nice connectors and is standardised across the whole species".

Surgeon No. 3 counters, "Those two creatures are all well and good when you can get them, but they take up a fair bit of time and can be fiddly. In my view, the best and simplest to operate on are the lawyers and politicians: They are spineless, gutless, and the heads and tails are interchangeable".

[micah719]

A man sits down in a posh French restauraunt.

The waiter approaches and sneers "Oui, m'sieu?"

The man asks, "Do you have frogs' legs?"

The waiter asserts, "Of course, m'sieu, ze finest in ze region."

The man replies, "Splendid! Hop to the bar and fetch me a beer, there's a good chap!"

[micah719]

Monday in the lunchroom.

Jim: "G'day Fred, that's a doozy of a black eye ya got there. Rough night down the pub?"

Fred: "Nah mate, went to church yesterday."

Jim: "What? How'd did ya get punched out in a church?"

Fred: "It was like this: when we stood up to sing a hymn, I saw the skirt of the lady in the pew in front had gotten caught in her bumcrack, so I reached out and tweaked it free; and she turned around and clocked me a good one."

Jim: "Heheh. Hard luck mate, you only wanted to help..."

The following Monday, Fred and Jim meet again at lunch. Fred's shiner has faded somewhat, but the other eye now sports a real multicoloured beauty and is swollen shut.

Jim: "G'day Fred. Awww, mate, what's happened to ya this time?"

Fred: "Yesterday at the service, the same lady was sat in front of me but this time her husband was next to her."

Jim: "So how'd ya get that eye?"

Fred: "We stood up to sing a hymn, like usual, and the lady's skirt had gotten caught again, in the same place...."

Jim: "Aww no, don't tell me ya pulled it free again?"

Fred: "Nah mate, her husband saw it and pulled it out, and seeing as I remembered from last week she don't like that, I stuck it back in."

[Sir Rondo Normal]

Pirates make lousy musicians because the only notes they know are the high C's

[jr_spyder]

Saw on a bumper sticker today:

My child was
Inmate of the Month
at the County Jail

[micah719]

A politician wakes up after a lengthy and dangerous operation. He notices the curtains are drawn in his first-class room. He asks the nurse why.

She says: "Oh, the building on the other side of the street is on fire, and we didn't want you get a fright when you woke up."

[micah719]

The newly-hired manager is being briefed by his predecessor. The old hand explains the generalities, and then says:

"If there's any crisis you can't handle, here are three numbered envelopes. Good luck."

Some time goes by, and the newcomer settles in. Soon enough, a crisis develops. He opens the first envelope. It reads:

"Blame your predecessor".

The trick works, and the crisis blows over, leaving him unscathed. Things go well for a while, but once again, calamity rears its ugly head. He opens the second envelope:

"Reorganise".

He complies, thoroughly setting everything on its head and keeping the staff very busy with the new procedures. Calamity averted. Things go back to normal, but some time later, a fresh disaster looms. He holds out as long as possible, but eventually cracks and opens his third, last, envelope:

"Prepare three envelopes, and give them to your successor".

[captainKJ]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

[micah719]

Luigi the Lover spots a lovely blonde in the bar. He makes his well-practised approach, seduces her, and ends up taking her back to his suite for mad passionate lovemaking.

After the fun, ever the gentleman, Luigi asks her tenderly, in his steaming Mediterranean broken English, "You finish?"

She replies, sounding a little puzzled, "No."

Luigi is flabbergasted; his reputation as The Mighty Latin Lovemachine is in peril...never has a woman failed to experience an orgasm under his virtuoso attentions!

He gathers his strength for a renewed assault. After a magnificent application of his most exotic techniques, he is positively certain he has succeeded at storming the female fortress of pleasure.

He asks again, confidently, "You finish?"

Sounding slightly miffed this time, the bombshell replies, "No!"

Poor Luigi is devastated. In desperation, he makes a last-ditch assault. No more finesse, he goes at it hammer and tongs, even resorting to some decidedly filthy deeds, which the stunning lass surprisingly eagerly participates in. Utterly exhausted, and in despair lest he has shot his bolt on his fame as the Italian Stallion, he asks almost fearfully, "You finish???"

She indignantly replies, "NO!!! I'm Swedish!!!"

[T1 Terry]

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seatmate.
"Hey, *****," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:
"Dammit, you lazy *****, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!" Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. "Hey, ****," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now...!"
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls..."

T1 Terry

[Sailor g]

I smile every time I see the Joke Thread with a new joke! You all make my day!!

[micah719]

Heh heh, I'll take that as encouragement. This one's an old one......

A man buys a parrot at the local pet store. The sales pitch was that it was sure to be a great talker, but it came with a hefty discount because the previous owner was a sailor and the bird had "picked up a little salty language".

Understatement of the year. Soon after the man arrived home with his new pet polly, it began cursing up a blue streak, with impressive volume. The man put it down to stress and tried patiently speaking to it and giving it parrot treats.

No luck. The filthy-beaked bird swore the whole day long, with hardly a repetition but many shocking combinations. Neighbours began angrily complaining about the stream of profanity, phonecalls were impossible, and the man began to fear what would happen when his wife came home.

Finally, his patience at an end, the man lost his temper, big time. He began shouting at the bird, thinking perhaps a stronger approach would rein in the offensive creature. A big mistake. The parrot may have been loud and crude before, but now he really lanched a tirade of obscenities...the poor man had never heard such a vile tongue in his life. Evidently the previous owner had had some difficulties with the feathered fiend as well.

In desperation, the man stuffed the parrot in the freezer thinking that the cold and dark would shock the bird into silence. After 5 minutes, and fearing he had slain his unpleasant new pet, he opened the door of the freezer and removed the parrot from his icy cell.

The parrot was the model of politeness. He thanked his master humbly for releasing him from the chilly gloom, and apologised for his previous bad behaviour and promised to be a good bird in future. Finally, after the man had accepted the bird's appeals, the parrot asked in a respectful tone:

"Sir, pardon me for being inquisitive, but there's just one thing I'm curious about; What did the chicken do?"

[Bill Burgette]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this damn badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your damn BADGE!!"