Ugh, losing my patience

[m2244]

Originally Posted by zeehag

did i sign into fb?? i thought i was in cf.......

OK, that's roughly 2/3 of your posts I've read that literally made me lol.

[Shrew]

Originally Posted by ol1970

.........if being patient and getting market value is silly than I'm 100% guilty.

If you've waited for 3 months with no movement and offers received are too low, then you're perception of market value and the actual market value are not aligned reasonably.

You could also lower your expectations on what you want to buy with the proceeds of the house sale.

[Sea Dreaming]

Originally Posted by Mike OReilly

Normally I'd take a pass on a thread like this. I'm not much into anonymous Net therapy sessions. But I'm currently reading Pride & Prejudice, and I gotta say, the OP's "problems" would fit in perfectly with Jane & Lizzy's high marriage dramas.


Why go fast, when you can go slow

[ol1970]

I apologize, I have done a poor job explaining myself here. I did not mean to brag as this is an anonymous internet site of which I know no one and most likely never will. The people I've have met in real life out sailing and being in that environment from all walks of life have been top notch and I was hoping that those same like minded people might be on here...and some of them most definitely are. I assure you if you meet me out there I'd be the last person you would suspect has 2 nickels to rub together.

That being said, I only used dollar figures for a sense of perspective. $20k in debt is truly nothing...but when the person tells you they have a healthy savings and $50k year job with zero debt then drops a bombshell on you, then follows it up with poor decisions, you have to take pause. I absolutely have zero issue taking care of my partner moving forward, I live a modest lifestyle and she is not extravagant or a gold digger in the least.

Regarding the home, yep absolutely understand the entire concept of if it hasn't sold it is overpriced. Making deals is what I have done for the last 25 years in commercial and residential real estate and I have a very firm grip on what the value of different properties are. Not sure if this is a good analogy, but I sure would like to buy a slightly used 2015 Oyster 475 for $600,000 but nobody will sell me their for that. There are used ones on the market and I will be damned if the same boats that I looked at a year ago are still on the brokers listing today. Are they all just way overpriced or has the very specific buyer not come along yet? The key to building and maintaining wealth is to always be able to act from a position of strength. Being debt free is a position of strength that allows people to get great deals when others make foolish financial decisions.

Again, I apologize for coming across poorly, I was thinking there might be somebody else who has gone through something similar.

On a brighter note an internet blog post that really helps me when reading some of these responses that people have posted. It applies to everybody and this is not meant as anything other than passing along a good read.

Google search:

Mark Mason "The Subtle Art of not giving a F#%K"... well worth your time

[autumnbreeze27]

If money is important to you then I don't recommend paying off her debts. It is very likely that you'd leave to go cruising, 6 months in she says "this sucks I'm out" and she made $20K+ by cruising with you for 6 months.

The most economically conservative thing to do is get her to consolidate her debts to the best loan she can get (before she quits), and then pay her monthly payment while she's cruising. That way if she decides she wants out you can just stop making the payments (obviously you don't want to be on any of the loans)

Cruising is like being self employed, it's a lot of hard work, yet very rewarding, but not everybody has the mentality or work ethic to do it.

[boatman61]

Originally Posted by ol1970

Okay, admittedly this is a little bit of a venting post with a small question at the end. Quick recap, r45, retired, finances in order to fund upcoming adventure, have done all the research on boats, completed all the ASA classes...committed to give this whole cruising thing a go. Plan was/is to sell home here since I don't want the hassle or expense once casting off.

Here are the problems. Home on the market now since late April, averaging over 2 showings a week...tons of interest, but only one lowball offer. Its a very nice somewhat unique home, and the feedback is not pricing, its just that the homes in the 7 figures just are not selling...none. So its a bit of a soft market in the high end, but going like gangbusters in the more moderately priced homes. On the bright side it has literally been the best summer we have ever had here in Michigan by a wide margin. I've been boating every day as my home is on the water, so from that standpoint its been good. Problem 2, girlfriend of 2 years who was/is supposed to join me on the journey. Turns out her finances are not at all what she had alluded to...instead of having a nice income, plenty of savings and stuff generally going great, as we get closer to this being a reality the deeper conversations happen to make sure we are on same page. Well truth comes out when her last job ended abruptly turns out she is $20k in debt and signed up for a 3 year car lease (wtf I know...we talked about this specifically). I am really struggling with this, she is a great person but hasn't been totally truthful it turns out and has made poor financial/life decisions. Having been extremely responsible in my life, just buying her way out of these issues is not a problem, but it doesn't feel right. When we go I'll have a companion I feel and not a partner. I was always footing the entire bill anyway, but hadn't expected that she'd just be leaving behind a bunch of debt and have to ask me for $20 every time she wanted to buy something. I just feel that at 37 this woman should have been upfront and have her act together.

So now here I am, the plan was to start the season in the Caribbean at the end of the year and see how it goes. I'm wondering if I should just go alone and get a boat super simple to single hand, should I wait and let her get her act together and give me more time to wrap things up here? Obviously I understand there is more to every story including this one, but I just need to vent a little bit because I'm bummed out. To further complicate things the company I sold 18 months ago to my partners who thought is was a cash cow is now struggling mightily and I get calls/texts/emails weekly from the key employees who remained asking me to start another company and they'll all jump ship. Ugh, I thought I had the plan to sell off into the sunset all worked out and now I feel the tentacles reaching to drag me back in...

ok rant over, going for a paddle, hope you all have a great weekend!

Wait till you want to sell your 'future' boat..
You sound like what the Aussies call a 'Whinging Pom'..
So she's not the brightest bulb around.. is it her you like.. or what you thought was her financial acumen..
There's more to life than money... realise that and you may just have some real fun.. not paid for fun..

[Prairie Chicken]

It sounds to me your major issue is that you feel your gf lied to you. Or deceived you, or mislead you. Only you two know how those discussions went, but if she did honestly lie to you, I'd be very cautious of entering a full time, committed relationship with her. Perhaps another discussion with her about whether this was a miscommunication or an outright lie is in order. Perhaps she has a valid explanation. Perhaps you made some (incorrect) assumptions.

I disagree that being 20K in debt is nothing. It might be understandable in some cases, but--did you say 37 years old?--no job, no savings, no assets, and 20K in debt doesn't bode well. Perhaps the relationship is salvageable, but you need to be the one in control of the finances.

Good luck with your cruising dreams. It truly is worth the effort, and is much better shared with someone you love.

[barnakiel]

Well, since you asked:

- adjust the price (as it is clearly not realistic) sell the house,
- get another girlfriend.

Or else live to the mantra 'same actions, same results'.

In any case, do not take it too hard. It is just life. Have fun living yours.

Cheers,
b.

[savoir]

" Hell the average 60 year old has less than $100k saved for retirement. "

Mitt? Mitt? Is that you ?

[JPA Cate]

So, is the problem with the GF the 20k debt in addition to the car lease--or is the debt the car lease? why did she think that she'd need a car for 3 more years???? or is she telling you she doesn't want to "escape" with you?

I think you kind of need to get your ego out of the way and work on clearer communications with your woman friend, because there's a reason she's hedging her bets, and I'm wondering if you guys have different expectations.

Your being called back to your old company is a whole 'nother issue. Friends in a similar position wound up helping out the old company for about 10 years. Your choice, but it is a different variation on the clear communications theme--a different issue with a different possible denouement.

If you want to move the property, you'll have to lower the price; the market in your area is what it is, and you have to cope with that one way or another. Keep the issues separate in your thinking, do not bundle them up in one big mess, like a collage. Keep them separate and deal as you see appropriate with them.

Ann

[Gadagirl]

Without knowing more facts about her specific situation I can only make my own assumptions and give you my perspective and opinion. I may well fall well off the mark. My apologies in advance, if that's the case, and also if I come off a little harsh.

Could it be she's having second thoughts about her own future financial security? Think about it. Even if she had no debt, no lease/obligations, what are you asking her to do? You're asking a 37 yo to bag her earnings potential, bag any future savings potential, and spend anything she might have saved ( so as to not bother you by asking for $20 here or there) to cruise with you.

You feel deceived. Not a good feeling. I'm not making excuses for her deceit, I'm just suggesting what others have pointed out, that she might feel intimidated by your expectations that she pull her own weight financially. Does she have a way to earn income remotely while cruising? Clearly you are ready and will have enough passive income. What are your plans in 5 years, 10, 15, 20?

Personally I think she's being smart. She's kinda backing out, but maybe torn, because she cares for you, shares a dream with you. But you are asking her to risk all of her financial future on a relationship that's two years young. A relationship in which she might not feel comfortable enough to bring up these concerns to you because of your high expectations.

In your defense though, you say you'd gladly pay the debt, you'd always imagined you foot the bill for all. So what's the problem?

I think communication. That needs improvement if you ever want to spend extended periods of time on a boat with another. Also, security. Either marry her with some kind of pre-nup that protects both of you, or draw up a partnership contract to make her feel more secure if this is her issue. You need to have many more conversations with her.

In other words, put yourself in her shoes. Would you agree to go off with someone, spend down all of your savings, remove yourself from potential income, and return broke 3 years out, ( if things don't work out) at the age of 40, without a penny in your pocket? I think not. She's being smart for her. And smart by your standards as well.

Do her, and yourself a favor, dump her, and date independently wealthy women with the same adventurist spirit, and then that problem will be solved. Hahaha and good luck with that! Rare is the women that want to cruise. Independently wealthy as yourself, even rarer. You have a narrow field of choices.

Do you love her? How much? What exactly is her enticement to give up all of her future to join you? Again, I don't feel you are giving her enough credit as to how smart her financial decisions are. She'd be an idiot, financially, to take off with you!

As for you being drawn back into work drama. My opinion is that you're feeling cold feet upon leaving as well.

Just my opinion and perspective, sorry if I'm wrong.

[Gadagirl]

Oh, and another thought. Do you understand how demeaning it might feel to have to "ask" for $20? A grown, previously independent, 37 yo, having to ask for $20? Really? Feeling totally dependent upon another persons generosity? Would she really feel like an equal partner?

I admit, I may be projecting my own life experiences upon you, and I'm sorry if they do not apply to this case. I'm just asking you to view it from her perspective and have conversations with her.

[barnakiel]

Originally Posted by Gadagirl

Without knowing more facts about her specific situation I can only make my own assumptions and give you my perspective and opinion. I may well fall well off the mark. My apologies in advance, if that's the case, and also if I come off a little harsh.

Could it be she's having second thoughts about her own future financial security? Think about it. Even if she had no debt, no lease/obligations, what are you asking her to do? You're asking a 37 yo to bag her earnings potential, bag any future savings potential, and spend anything she might have saved ( so as to not bother you by asking for $20 here or there) to cruise with you.

You feel deceived. Not a good feeling. I'm not making excuses for her deceit, I'm just suggesting what others have pointed out, that she might feel intimidated by your expectations that she pull her own weight financially. Does she have a way to earn income remotely while cruising? Clearly you are ready and will have enough passive income. What are your plans in 5 years, 10, 15, 20?

Personally I think she's being smart. She's kinda backing out, but maybe torn, because she cares for you, shares a dream with you. But you are asking her to risk all of her financial future on a relationship that's two years young. A relationship in which she might not feel comfortable enough to bring up these concerns to you because of your high expectations.

In your defense though, you say you'd gladly pay the debt, you'd always imagined you foot the bill for all. So what's the problem?

I think communication. That needs improvement if you ever want to spend extended periods of time on a boat with another. Also, security. Either marry her with some kind of pre-nup that protects both of you, or draw up a partnership contract to make her feel more secure if this is her issue. You need to have many more conversations with her.

In other words, put yourself in her shoes. Would you agree to go off with someone, spend down all of your savings, remove yourself from potential income, and return broke 3 years out, ( if things don't work out) at the age of 40, without a penny in your pocket? I think not. She's being smart for her. And smart by your standards as well.

Do her, and yourself a favor, dump her, and date independently wealthy women with the same adventurist spirit, and then that problem will be solved. Hahaha and good luck with that! Rare is the women that want to cruise. Independently wealthy as yourself, even rarer. You have a narrow field of choices.

Do you love her? How much? What exactly is her enticement to give up all of her future to join you? Again, I don't feel you are giving her enough credit as to how smart her financial decisions are. She'd be an idiot, financially, to take off with you!

As for you being drawn back into work drama. My opinion is that you're feeling cold feet upon leaving as well.

Just my opinion and perspective, sorry if I'm wrong.

Yep.

+1!

b.

[Sea Dreaming]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

So, is the problem with the GF the 20k debt in addition to the car lease--or is the debt the car lease? why did she think that she'd need a car for 3 more years???? or is she telling you she doesn't want to "escape" with you?

I think you kind of need to get your ego out of the way and work on clearer communications with your woman friend, because there's a reason she's hedging her bets, and I'm wondering if you guys have different expectations.

Your being called back to your old company is a whole 'nother issue. Friends in a similar position wound up helping out the old company for about 10 years. Your choice, but it is a different variation on the clear communications theme--a different issue with a different possible denouement.

If you want to move the property, you'll have to lower the price; the market in your area is what it is, and you have to cope with that one way or another. Keep the issues separate in your thinking, do not bundle them up in one big mess, like a collage. Keep them separate and deal as you see appropriate with them.

Ann

Once again Anne has spoke voumes of rational thinking in a succinct way. This is one you can trust.

In any case, thinking on my own situation was not so different from you (op) and your girl friend. My bf makes about 6 times my salary. Thats a distinct disadvantage as it creates inbalance. GF most definitely will feel of kilter if she is an independent sort. Given her age, she probably is. By the way a 50,000 dollar salary, depending on where you live, its a sneeze and wont actually cover life. I know, because thats my salary and I could not afford to live alone in my area. Consider that carefully.

For me, being older and having been married once, it was easy for me to be blunt. "I dont want your money. But I dont have your resources. If you expect me to keep up with you I wont and cant do it. You must decide if you want to date a poor woman and how you will handle things that come up that I cant afford."

Thats where you come in. Yes, please do talk to your girl friend. Im almost certain she was not trying to decieve you with deliberate intent to hurt. 2 years is really barely getting to know one another. My bf and I have lived together for 5 years, but only now have we experienced enough together to gain real trust. Trust is like that you know. Trust is not given. Its earned.
Yes, she did not trust you. Not a problem because thats really how frienships abd partnerships really work. They take time to develop. The question is not whether you trust one another, the question is really are you emotionally stable in yourself to do the work and experiences that create trust over time? Can you live without trust RIGHT NOW and simply be yourself, without expectation that she will do or be one thing or another, to experience building trust together?

[Sea Dreaming]

Gadagirl....