Jokes

[CaptainK]

One day, a man wakes up with a red ring around his penis. He can’t figure out what it is, so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor hands him a tube of cream.
"Here. Put this on and the ring’ll be gone within the hour," the doctor said.

The man drove home, put it on, and sure enough, the ring was gone within the hour.

But then the next day, he woke up and the ring was there again.

He goes to the doctor, and the doctor hands him the same cream, which he puts on. The ring vanishes, only to reappear the next morning.

This goes on for a few days before the man finally asks, "Doctor, the cream you’re giving me takes care of the ring around my penis. But then it comes back in the morning. What’s the stuff you’re giving me?"

The doctor hands him another tube of it before replying, "Lipstick
remover."

[CaptainK]

This construction worker up on the fourth floor of an unfinished building forgot his hand saw on the ground. But was too lazy to go down to get it.

Looking down to the new guy on the ground who was too far to hear him yell what he needed. So he started to "sign" what he wanted.

First he pointed to his eye (meaning "I ") then he pointed to his knee’s (meaning "need"). And then moving his hand back and forth describing a hand saw.

The guy on the ground nodded and then pulled down his pants and started jacking off ! The guy on the fourth floor was so pissed, he ran all the way down to the ground and started yelling at the guy.

"What the hell do you think your doing? I was trying to tell you that I needed a hand saw. " And the other guy equally pissed replied " I know, I was trying to tell you I was coming , you dumn-ass !!! "

[CaptainK]

Brian was really into big girls. The bigger the better.

One night he and his date were making out at his place.

And one thing led to another and things started to get hot and heavy. While he was sucking on what he thought was her nipple he started to get a odd tasting liquid in his mouth.

He immediately thought to himself " Oh wow! I’m getting breast milk!". He liked that idea so he kept on sucking harder and harder until finally he heard a "POP!" and his mouth was filled with this liquid had had been getting all this time.

About the same time that he swallowed this mystery liquid his date said "Thanks, I have been trying to get that boil to pop for 2 months now!!"

[CaptainK]

There were three nuns in a desert. All three were dying of starvation and thirst.

After a couple of days of walking they came to a castle in the middle of nowhere. Too their dismay there was no food or running water in the castle, all that was there was a bag of flour.

The head nun said "I know what we will have to do, because we have no running water we will have to try and pee on the flour so we can make some bread and survive".

She asked one of the nuns to try first.

She squatted over the flour and tried to pee, but after half an our she gave up.

The head nun screamed " What a waste of space you are, we could die because of you!!."

So she asked upon the other nun to try.

The nun squatted over the flour and tried her hardest but after forty five minutes she gave up without any success.

The head nun screamed once again, "Both of you are useless, I will have to try myself!"

So she squatted over the flour and tried her very hardest to push out a pee. She tried so hard that at the end she farted, and blew all of the flour away.

And all the nuns pissed themselves laughing.

[CaptainK]

Your father is so dirty, that when he laid a fart.
The cockaroaches ran out of the wall and said "raise your hands, stomp your feet, and praise the lord we got heat."

[CaptainK]

Dave, an engineer, was walking on a sidewalk one afternoon when his buddy Harry, also an engineer, pulls alongside him, riding a brand-new Harley-Davidson motorcycle. "Wow," said Dave, "where’d you get that?"

Harry said, "You’ll never believe this. I was walking home last night when this woman rides up to me on this Harley. She stops, gets off the bike, removes her blouse, skirt, bra, shoes, and panties, and says, ’You can have anything you want.’"

And Dave said, "Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you."

[coot]

Two nuns are driving through transylvania when a vampire wanders out in front of the car and stands in the middle of the road, blocking their way.

One nun says "No problem - show him your cross."

The other nun leans out the window and yells "Get out of the road you stupid idiot!"

[CaptainK]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[CaptainK]

An Australian bloke was walking down the street in New Zealand.

When he saw a farmer going hammers and tongs on a sheep.

The Aussie yelled out, "Hey mate in Australia we sheer our sheep!"

And the Kiwi turned around and said, "Fuck off mate, I'm sharing none of this!"

[GordMay]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world:
1.those who understand binary addition
and
2. those who don't.

[CaptainK]

[CaptainK]

It seems that there were these 3 pregnant Indian Squaws, all due to give birth at about the same time.

The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the birthing was done on a deer hide.

The 2nd also gave birth to a boy, but this was done on a bear hide.

And, the third had twins, two boys, and she did this on a hippopotamus hide.

This means that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide
is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

[CaptainK]

The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise.

After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with
flawless skins, Malibu tans, and synthetic breasts.

If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain
to follow. Some possibilities:

Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment,
where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories
include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders
important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to
take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime
against feminism.

Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks!
Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is,
Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, and Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.

My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who
don't have huge wardrobes, pools, ponies, and perfect bods.

Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll,
which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too
young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!)
arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

[CaptainK]

What's the definition of the perfect woman?

She's three feet tall.
Has a round hole for a mouth.
And her head is flat, so you can put a can on it.

The sports model has pull back ears and her
teeth fold in.
The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

[CaptainK]

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was
sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody
realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everbody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.