Jokes

[CaptainK]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you’re doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

[CaptainK]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o’clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon and 120
minutes to "Happy Hour."

[CaptainK]

(This'll make ya wonder about any officer you serve under?)

Circa 1989: Based on a true story told by a friend of CaptainK's

A Lieutenant was transferred to a new department. After getting settled into his new office, the Lieutenant was sitting at his desk, arranging things, when a Seaman knocked on his door.

Not wanting to look useless, he picked up the phone, and said "Enter." He motioned for the Seaman to wait, and said into the phone "Yes Captain, yes sir, yes sir, I’ll get those documents to you as soon as possible. Yes Sir, have a good day, sir."

After hanging up, he looked impatiently at the Seaman, "yes, what do you want?"

The Seaman, sheepishly answered: "Well sir, I’m here to install the phone line for you, sir!"

[mudnut]

A duck walks into a bar sits down orders a beer,baman is taken aback by the duck and curiosity takes over so he stikes up a conversation with the duck and says are you from around here?Na the duck says,just in from seatle,working on the construction site up the road a bits,drinks his beer and leaves.1 hr later a bloke walks in the same bar sits down looking all sad,barman says want a beer?Bloke says no,carn't afford it,after drinking a few glass's of water and looking pretty upset the barman says so whats your story.Bloke says he owns the circus up the ways a bit and his star attraction just left him high and dry with no replacement.Barman says he might be able to help him out,earlier today I had a talking duck in here,the bloke says hey thats the sort of thing that might get the circus back on it's feet,where is he staying? barman says dont know,he's new arround town,give me ya card and I'll pass it on when I see him.Next day after work duck walks in sits down,barman says want a beer?Duck says no I carnt afford it,just lost me job.Barman says I might be able to help you out here and gives the duck the card and says ring this bloke he needs someone like you.Duck looks at the card"Billy Bloggs;Circus owner"duck sits down ,barman says arnt ya gonna ring him?Duck says It sounds a bit weired,Im not sure about this.Barman says hell mate whats ya problem,it's a job ain't it?Duck says yes I guess so ,I just dont understand what a circus owner would want with a plasterer

[Alan Wheeler]

A little fluffy duck walks into a bar. Heasks the bartender for a drink. The Bartender replies, yeah sure mate, hey, what a coincidence. We have a drink named after yhou. The little fluffy duck looks bewildered and replies, What.. you have a drink called Bob?!?

[CaptainK]

Hmmm.

Must be duck week in NZ & OZ?

[CaptainK]

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

You own a home that is mobile and five cars that aren't.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.

You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

You've ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."

You read the "Auto Trader" with a highlight pen.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.

Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."

You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

You clean your fingernails with a stick.

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea-and-tick soap.

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You have every episode of "Hee-Haw" on tape.

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You're considered an expert on worm beds.

Your kids take a siphon hose to "show and tell."

The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

You've ever bought a used cap.

Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

You picked your false teeth from a catalog.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You've ever stolen toilet paper.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

You go to a stock-car race and don't need a program.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

Your pocketknife often doubles as a toothpick.

You own a denim leisure suit.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

Your family tree does not branch.

You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You have a Hefty bag for a passenger-side window.

You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.

You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge- clearance restrictions.

You've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call..."

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.

After the prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

All of your four-letter words have two syllables.

You've ever been too drunk to fish.

You cut your toenails in front of company.

You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You have grease under your toenails.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.

Your father walks you to school because you and he are in the same grade.

Your house has wheels and your car doesn't.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

You think the French Riviera is foreign car.

Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

Your wife's hairdo has been caught in the ceiling fan at least once.

You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.

You own a three-pound belt buckle.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

You have more than two relatives named Bubba or Junior.

You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.

[CaptainK]

There was a male and a female whale swimming through the ocean. They were starving and hadn’t eaten in days.

So the male says to the female, "I have an idea! We’ll find one of those big ships, I’ll go on one side and you go on the other. We’ll blow water onto the ship and sink it. As the men jump off......whala, dinner!" So she agrees, and they find themselves a ship.

As planned, she goes on one side of the ship and him on the other. They begin to blow water onto the ship. As he explained, the men started jumping overboard. He went around eatting them up and looks over and sees her just watching.

He swims over and asks, "What are you doing? Why aren’t you eatting?"
And she says,"I told you before! I dont mind a good blow job every once in awhile, but I draw the line at swallowing seaman!"

[CaptainK]

Why does the navy blow sands before entering port? So we can **** on the coast guard.

A coast guard mother told her son she was proud of him and told him that she regreated that he never met his father but that he was a sailor too.
"Really mom, what was his name?" he asked, "I’m not sure" in her response. "What mom, you don’t know who you slept with?"
"Of course I do baby. Like every good coast guard mother, I slept with the navy’s pacific fleet".

Old sailors say, " It is better to know your father was in the navy and not know his name.
Than to know your father’s name and know he was in the coast gaurd.

[mudnut]

As most people would know there are a lot of differen't breeds of animal thingies around the world,Bob must have been from the Pumiceduckece breed only found in NZ,and a common pet aboard sailing vessels,not good for eating,but hard to loose at sea.HeeeHeeHe..Three ducks an a man walk into a bar,sit down and procede to order a few rounds,new barman on the job wants to try out his people skills but not sure about the bloke so after a while when the bloke goes for a piss he steps up to the first duck and says,Whats ya name you look happy hows ya day been?Duck says Huey,yeah, been in and out of puddles all day great time.barman goes to the next duck,same Question,Luie.yeah,been in and out of puddles all day ,couldnt be better.Goes up to the third duck and feeling pretty confident with his newly aquired skills gets all confident and says,I suppose your names Duie?"No it aint he says,You can **** right off ya stupid prick!!!,Mean while the bloke comes back from having a piss,sits down and orders another round,barman places the drinks on the bar and as he's getting the money from the bloke he leans over and says whats wrong with ya mate over there and points to the third duck,bloke says dont worrie about him his highly strung!Barman leans over and says whats his name ?Bloke says Puddles,why?Wak Wak Wak

[mudnut]

Heres one for ya ..Two yanks walking across the Sydney Harbour bridge,One's the father of the other ones son,Question,What relation are they?Ya got to answer this one Cap !.. Q,where was tooth paste invented?Tasmania,If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called Teeth paste!(I think thats like a Boise Idaho type joke?)What do ya call 4 blonds ,in line,?A wind tunnel!What do ya call a Kiwi with more than 3 sheep?A pimp!"OOPs,sorry Wheels,That will teach ya for stealing the Bledislo of us!!!

[mudnut]

As most people would know there are a lot of differen't breeds of animal thingies around the world,Bob must have been from the Pumiceduckece breed only found in NZ,and a common pet aboard sailing vessels,not good for eating,but hard to loose at sea.HeeeHeeHe..Three ducks an a man walk into a bar,sit down and procede to order a few rounds,new barman on the job wants to try out his people skills but not sure about the bloke so after a while when the bloke goes for a piss he steps up to the first duck and says,Whats ya name you look happy hows ya day been?Duck says Huey,yeah, been in and out of puddles all day great time.barman goes to the next duck,same Question,Luie.yeah,been in and out of puddles all day ,couldnt be better.Goes up to the third duck and feeling pretty confident with his newly aquired skills gets all confident and says,I suppose your names Duie?"No it aint he says,You can **** right off ya stupid prick!!!,Mean while the bloke comes back from having a piss,sits down and orders another round,barman places the drinks on the bar and as he's getting the money from the bloke he leans over and says whats wrong with ya mate over there and points to the third duck,bloke says dont worrie about him his highly strung!Barman leans over and says whats his name ?Bloke says Puddles,why?Wak Wak Wak

[Jerry]

You guys are killing me....LOL

[mudnut]

Life is like a sunset,no two are the same, your's to mine,or someone else,to our's it comes again,so when it rise's on the east and sets beyond the west.to understand thy fellow man,is thy only test.Mudnut."Yeah,I love you people the same way..."It's a shame all the people on this site are not in the same place,but it would be sad for the rest of the world if we were.

[CaptainK]

Hmmmmm......

Well Mudnut. If I'm reading this correctly. I would suppose in the beginning of your joke. About the two "Yanks" crossing the Sydney Harbour bridge.

One of them sounds like the father of the father of the son he's walking next too? In other words. One is the grandfather. The other is the grandson? Am I right Mudnut?