Marital counseling

[brookiesailor]

Two of my kids are in HS in the US. I am in the UAE with the third boy who is not quite in HS. I see the older two at Christmas and during the summer. I return to the states for the summer months.


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[oldragbaggers]

It sounds like your husband works very hard to provide you and your children with a privileged lifestyle. While I am sure it is not without its hardships, living in a foreign country and being separated from your sons, still I think that he has a very large stake in this decision.

[brookiesailor]

Originally Posted by oldragbaggers

It sounds like your husband works very hard to provide you and your children with a privileged lifestyle. While I am sure it is not without its hardships, living in a foreign country and being separated from your sons, still I think that he has a very large stake in this decision.

I agree. That is why a letter and a SUGGESTED time line works better than a demand and the inevitable no!


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[deanowens1966]

Brookie, my wife and I don't see eye to eye on a quite a few topics, but we respect each other enough to work through the points of contention. I detect in your many posts that there are deeply entrenched resentments and probably other issues that you may or may not even be aware of that are having an effect on your relationship. The mere decision to title this thread as you did makes me wonder what your true intention is.

You must be totally honest with yourself AND your husband about what you want. If there is complete and absolute transparency in your relationship then you will be able to work it out. This goes for both of you. If there isn't, you will NEVER make it on a 20' or 120' boat anyway. While I only know you from your posts here, I don't know you at all, I am reminded by a couple of post on here that there are always at least two sides of a story.

My wife and I have worked very closely together in a very small space for many years and you learn how to work through issues and you become a strong team. Or, you fail.

My wife and I are Christians who believe in respecting each other and being honest and communicating honestly. Are we perfect? No way, but we are honest with each other. If you do not have absolute trust in your husband, and he doesn't have the same for you, then your boat will be just another part of the property settlement.


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[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by brookiesailor

Ok guys and gals, cut a girl some slack.

Brookiesailor you are a brave soul to discuss your private issues with a crowd of well meaning sailors who just love problem solving.

Hopefully it has been more cathartic rather than just irritating.

Just remember Sometimes the most important joint decisions can be made with the flip of a coin rather than a series of well developed arguments.

Good luck!

[brookiesailor]

Hubby and I had a nice chat after he read the letter. I was off at the YC doing clean up duty when he read it. I came home and he was all smiles and agreeable to a short time frame. He did come down a bit on the size so we are now somewhere in the middle. He had to go to a comference call and so we are going to discuss it more over dinner. He and I may not communicate in the conventional way but it has worked for 20 years


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[a64pilot]

Some issue of his is likely stress about being heavily invested in something that is not doing so well now. With the kids in boarding school and I assume likely an expensive College education coming, well that is beyond the financial capability of most folks, and he is probably pretty well stressed right now, so you may well be hitting him with a little more than he can deal with at this point, let the investments pressure ease a bit and things will likely get better.

I was going to bring up that you guys are living in a pretty well heavily Male dominated society, and whether you realize it or not, that does have an effect. I have lived in Kuwait for awhile, without my family, but I have seen it's affect others without them realizing it. You see it being an outsider looking in

[valhalla360]

Sounds like your letter wasn't nearly as scary as your post made it sound and he understood that it's your way of making sure your points aren't lost during an emotional discussion.

I think everyone here wishes you well and is only trying to help (at least that is my intent in responding).

Forgive me if I wander off in another direction now but it sounds like his work keeps him away from you for large periods of time. This in no way suggests he isn't a good man and doesn't want the best for you and your family but...

I would have some long heart to heart talks about how life will work when you are in a small confined space 24/7. Based on your comments, I would say we spent a lot more time together before going cruising and there were times when we were really challenged by the lifestyle. Over time, it has brought us closer together, so it was well worth it for us but we know several couples who were not so lucky.

I don't say this to scare you off from cruising but so that you can plan for it and have plans to in place to address it before it has a chance to turn ugly.

[brookiesailor]

Originally Posted by valhalla360

Sounds like your letter wasn't nearly as scary as your post made it sound and he understood that it's your way of making sure your points aren't lost during an emotional discussion.

I think everyone here wishes you well and is only trying to help (at least that is my intent in responding).

Forgive me if I wander off in another direction now but it sounds like his work keeps him away from you for large periods of time. This in no way suggests he isn't a good man and doesn't want the best for you and your family but...

I would have some long heart to heart talks about how life will work when you are in a small confined space 24/7. Based on your comments, I would say we spent a lot more time together before going cruising and there were times when we were really challenged by the lifestyle. Over time, it has brought us closer together, so it was well worth it for us but we know several couples who were not so lucky.

I don't say this to scare you off from cruising but so that you can plan for it and have plans to in place to address it before it has a chance to turn ugly.

I thank you for sharing your point of view. At the current moment my husband travels quite a bit but that is only a recent development. We just got off a five year assignment in Angola where he was home daily. The life there was challenging and brought some challenges to our relationship but we worked it out together and now we are stronger than ever!


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[senormechanico]

Originally Posted by brookiesailor

Ok guys and gals, cut a girl some slack.

I am not good at making an argument. I frequently cave or give into the other persons ideas before fully expressing my own. My father was an attorney and could argue the smallest point until you caved. I learned at an early age just to give up as it was less painful in the end. So in order to express my point of view in a tone of open discussion I start the conversation on paper. After I have stated my case we then discuss it verbally. So this is just the start of the conversation. It gives me time to organize my thoughts in a manner that leaves me feeling like I have stated everything it was important for me to say.

[snipped]

After 45 years of marriage, we do the same thing when important disagreements crop up. It's a rare happening, but works for us as well.

[Mattdwyerva]

I often fear I have not set my kids up well, but then again I know it is not helping them grow if they never experience difficult times. If they never feel want, if they never feel pain, they may shatter in adult hood when I am long gone. Maybe they need to run short and get upset at things now, while I am still around to coach them through it, and still around to hug them and tell them it will be ok.

I'm not trying to speak for you, just myself....

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[JPA Cate]

brookie, sounds like things are going well for now.

If I may, I'd like to say that often, the time for the youngest child leaving home is a time of great stress for both parents. Partly, knowing about that in advance can help you plan for it and make it come out how you want.

Ann