Married but sailing alone

[TheThunderbird]

Sailing draws its attraction much on personal characters and five-star, not on material possession (which applies to moored, under-utilised status symbols).

Thus, Q is... does your wife love you as a man living freedom, outdoor life, the wind, and the sea-bliss? Can you teach her about this? Or, are you so distant!?

[eastendsailor]

At the moment, my wife and I are thinking about retirement plans. We're on a two- to three-year timeline for extracting ourselves from a home and her job, after which she will reside ashore while I spend most of my time living aboard. We've been married for thirty-five years, raised two kids, and are as committed to one another as ever. But, we have some divergent interests and neither of us sees any reason to keep the other from pursuing them.

The reaction to our plans from friends has been comical. The first words out are always "Are you guys getting divorced?!" Why they would say that is beyond me! I suppose it's not a lifestyle suited to everyone, but we expect it to work just fine. The sail-and-meet model seems like a good way to do that.

[Celestialsailor]

Originally Posted by reed1v

So there. Choice is between love of wife or love of boat. Personally I prefer the warm, comfy embrace of my dear wife at night, rather than opting for a material possession. But then, some folks prefer material items as the reason for living.

What a bunch of crap. So the only choice is love of wife or material possessions? Small minded statement when there is an infinite ways of looking and doing things.
She could meet the skipper in port....the skipper could fly back during off weather season...and so on.

....or could give in to golf clubs.

[P3r3grin3]

I'm in the same boat. My partner loves to travel but is not keen on sailing.
Perhaps an onsite area for married sailors might be appropriate since it is safer and more enjoyable to sail with others? I am sure that some people would want to hook up for sailing only and meet their spouse at the destination? It could be advantageous in bare-boating too, sharing the cost and responsibilities?

[Quintessa41]

Life's more enjoyable when you share experiences with your loved one.
It just depends on how much time you will both be satisfied with . I've seen many girls struggle with seasickness and missing family just to be with there man . God bless you ladies .
Good luck and safe sailing .

[CaitB]

Originally Posted by reed1v

A life insurance policy sure helps sweeten the parting.

Seriously? I think it proves that two adults can share their lives without being Velcro'd to each other. I married late - 48. I would no sooner ask him to give up his love of falconry than he would ask me to give up my love of salt and sea.

It's called mutual respect. Maybe you've heard of it...

[xsteel]

I left Melbounre, Australia, 24-01-2015, single handed on my 29' Compass as my wife is not interested in sailing. So the only way to see the Australian coast was to just do it by my self. I had organised 2 yrs 'leave of absent', but has now gone to 4yr due to the large distance & working aboard a week & sail/motor 2 days. I keep in contact most days & flew back three times last year, although this year will be once only in November. I told my wife I was going sailing rather than ask, since she was not interested.
I am thoroughly enjoying the trip - in Mackay currently waiting for the cyclone season to pass, before heading to Darwin & the Kimberley's & back to Darwin for next cyclone year. A friend spent a week on board circumnavigating the Whitsundays, & the only time I have had someone else with me.

[Reefmagnet]

Horses for courses. My Dad and step mother have always done their own things independently and have been together for many, many years. My wife and I do just everything together and could never imagine it any other way. Whatever works for the couple is fine as long as both are happy with the situation.

Ps Welcome to Mackay XSteel. As funky as the weather is at the moment, fingers crossed it'll remain a benign cyclone season this year.

[Rainh2o2]

The Catalina 25 is a starter boat. Im not that stupid to think a 25 is suitable for 2 people on long voyages. Unless I go it alone...then I'm fine with it. Plan has always been a bigger boat in the 35-40 range in the future but that won't happen until the kids are out of school anyhow. My plans of traveling on a boat have been known before marriage. Im just not sure she wants the longer voyages. That could change though. I don't think it's a choice between a boat or a wife. It's a choice between lifestyles. A lifestyle of travel or lifestyle having the "American dream" with the house and cars and bills and dogs. My lifestyle will change eventually. I will cross thst bridge when it comes. Our marriage is strong now. Will it be in the future? Who knows, I've never begged someone to hang around and she knows I won't. We have talked about me traveling and her joining me at different times, I was just wondering if others did that.

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[alansmith]

Plum Crazy, do you know the Latin phrase Quid Pro Quo? Translated it means "something for something".


Sit down with her and have a heart to heart with her about what are the long term plans for retirement. Speak honestly, even bluntly, and find out exactly what she wants to do...what is interesting for her...what hobbies or interests has she been thinking about her whole adult life and now retirement is upon you. Hopefully she will be astute enough to understand you are wanting her to ask the same of you. If she doesn't ask...man up, and crack the egg and let it land however it will.


You guys worked your whole lives. Compromise and use your imagination. No one knows her idiosyncrasies better than you. Lay it all out there for plain view that you have a need to sail. with her great....without her....meet her in exotic ports....sail 6 months a year and then 6 months doing what she wants...on and on and on...the variations in the compromise are only limited by your imagination and the couple's flexibility.


If she digs her heels in hard and refuses to let you go do your thing and unwilling to compromise...well...as the old saying goes..."that is the hell served up for breakfast"


You both have earned the right at your age to pursue interesting life. We slave our whole lives to get to this point. Life is short and life is capricious...never forget it.

[daletournier]

I personally believe cruising is best experienced with company, but company that truly wants to be there, enjoying the traveling via a sailboat. Often men and women start of with the same interests but over time their interests change and life isn't quite as simple. I believe it's a shame when one dosent live the life he or she wants due to their partner wanting something different. If someone really wants to go cruising they should, and then just be open to how things unfold along the way. And in regards to choosing"a material possession over your wife" that's just silly. Your choosing your life! The only one you have, and you have the right to live it your way. Sometimes I think by trying not to hurt others you end up just hurting yourself.

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[Rainh2o2]

Exactly alansmith. We talk about it every few months and retirement is at least 7 or 8 yrs away. My wife enjoys working. She's a work aholic. That's what she enjoys. Me I work to provide. I don't plan on doing that forever. She just doesn't see herself ever stopping work hence why she's not interested in traveling or thinks she won't be. If she changes her mind then great. Otherwise she isn't against me traveling and being gone for 6 or 8 months and neither am I. We have that kind of relationship so that's not the issue. Unless it becomes an issue and then like I said we will choose a lifestyle then.

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[Dauntlessny]

Originally Posted by CaitB

Seriously? I think it proves that two adults can share their lives without being Velcro'd to each other. I married late - 48. I would no sooner ask him to give up his love of falconry than he would ask me to give up my love of salt and sea.

It's called mutual respect. Maybe you've heard of it...

That's also the boat my wife and I are in. We support one another.

She has her full time job and that's her number one priority.
I'm retired and Dauntless has become my job and also provides the goals I need for a happy, healthy life.

With her limited time off, it means I spend about a 30% of the time alone, 60% with friends, both long time friends and people who contacted me because they were interested in joining our travels.

Ideally, I wish she were on the boat more, but we do support one another and I appreciate the time and freedom I have.

I have had a number of single women as crew/friends and there has never been an issue and they have been a great help.

Over the next three years we will have a lot of miles to go, so I am looking at ways to be able to leave the boat and come home for a few weeks.

[reed1v]

Guess it comes down to what you want in a marriage. Most folks expect to live their lives together and truly become "one". Others seem to view it as having someone to maintain the house while the other is gone. Some seem to view it as nothing more than a type of "friend with benefits". All depends on how you view marriage. So asking an open forum is rather ludicrous given that everyone has a different take on what is most important in life: Things or people.

[oldragbaggers]

For 12 years my husband was in the Navy. Out of those 12 years he only had one shore tour, and even that one involved travel. When he was on sea duty he was gone a minimum of 50% of the time, during Desert Shield he had one deployment that lasted 11 months. We were already married when he joined. It was a decision that we decided together because we felt it had certain benefits for both of us as a couple and for each of us as individuals. The bottom line was that we both wanted what was best for the other, and our relationship was strong enough to survive it. Never was our marriage threatened because of it. And there are no doubt many thousands of other couples in the same situation that make it work for perhaps the same or similar reasons.

Now, I know that situation is not for "sailing," but I don't see it as any different. If your marriage is strong and you both want what is best for the other you will find ways to make this work, even if it means some periods of separation. If the separation is unbearable then you will find another solution. Perhaps she will join you a few times and find herself falling in love with it and decide to join you. Or perhaps you will go out a few times and find that you don't enjoy it much as you thought, enjoy it but find it isn't as good as being with her, or perhaps at some point just feel that you fed the beast, got to have the experience and now you're ready to go home and enter the next phase....with her.

The first thing I would advise you to do is stop listening to the nay sayers, especially the cranky divorced ones. People who either couldn't or weren't interested enough to make their own relationships work are not going to be the best advisors on how to make yours work. As you have seen, there are people who are successfully managing this or similar situations.

I wish you and your wife the very best in whatever you decide to do. Just curious....has she ever spent any time sailing or cruising on a larger boat or is her only experience with it on the Catalina 25? If it is, she may be forming her opinion based on that without having any real idea just how different it is on a proper liveaboard boat. If her feelings are based solely on her love of her job, stand by, that can change in a moment too. Sometimes, and for any number of reasons, what was once the most perfect job can suddenly become the most unbearable trap. Seven to eight years is a long time.