Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet

[akprb]

What is your spiritual proclivity?

To be honest, I hear "self centered".

Counselor, it's not about the cruise......

[Three Sisters]

Taking from your posts, zstine, you have sailed many miles together including multiple carribean charters, local day sails and week long excursions.

I don't know, I wouldn't want to leave port without her. Maybe you share this same conclusion in various forms.

Your wife works and may have a limited time frame to take off for a cruise.

The children are enrolled for summer camp.

Again, I don't know, but with the described state of communication, I'd wager that your wife is saying...Let's You and I go. I think your wife is giving you the ultimate compliment. The evidence is slim but it's not a totally riduculous conclusion.

Your wife's parents are involved and you know how grandparents relish babysitting their grandchildren.

[daletournier]

Originally Posted by akprb

What is your spiritual proclivity?

To be honest, I hear "self centered".

Counselor, it's not about the cruise......

A little judgemental on your behalf don't you think? He's entitled to view the world differently from you. Looking after ones self interest in life is not selfish, we all do it, we serve what we value most, some just aren't so honest about it.

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[akprb]

Of course it's judgmental, that's the point.

It's not about him anymore...

[Shrew]

Originally Posted by zstine

here’s the a few things that she said...

“I’m afraid my parents will disown me if I leave them”

and

“I’m really afraid of ripping the kids away from their friends, and pulling them out of school and homeschooling. I’m not even interested in schooling my kids.”

You're best bet is to wait until the kids have grown and the in-laws have 'moved on'. You're not doing anything more than vacations for the next two decades. Her lack of honesty and passive aggressive behavior and your potential resentment will require counselling if you have hopes of moving forward.

Divorce will likely get you cruising in a longer time frame, and more than likely only fast-track you to boat non-ownership.

[JPA Cate]

Zstine, if you're still around, there's a new thread this morning on CF: " Re: Early Atlantic Tropical Depression" . I don't think this year is a good time to make the trip, the storm activity has already begun.

Dealing with the "storm" at home is strongly advised.

Imo, if it turns out that you really cannot live with her any more, it is better to make the split honest, upfront, and before you come to hate her. Your kids pick up your and her angry feelings and it profoundly distresses them, they blame themselves, lose self confidence. Again, only my opinion, but i think you need to handle this situation, soon. Especially since your wife has so far been supportive of your efforts. If this situation does go to a divorce, it will be both emotionally and financially, a very trying situation for both of you. BTDT

It is not a crime to be afraid of home schooling. Some people <<believe>> the public schools are better; some, that home schooling is. Would YOU be happy to do it?

Good luck with it.

Ann

[daletournier]

Im so done with comments like " happy wife happy life" the inequality of these ridiculous statements is just so accepted and not questioned. How about "happy husband happy life "then once we get past that stupidity how about "happy life"?

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[tp12]

Originally Posted by daletournier

Im so done with comments like " happy wife happy life" the inequality of these ridiculous statements is just so accepted and not questioned. How about "happy husband happy life "then once we get past that stupidity how about "happy life"?

Sent from my vivo Y35 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

Exactly. There are quite a few posts here intimating that he needs to take all the actions, coax out of her what is wrong etc, that it's his responsibility etc etc. They both bear that responsibility. She is just as responsible for communicating and making things work. Similarly the posts suggesting, and even outright naming, that he is selfish! Not only is that unhelpful, it's simply not true. If he was selfish he wouldn't have made all the efforts he has to include his wife and children and do this as a family. That his wife has adopted a passive aggressive stance and doesn't seem to be accepting her communication issues, despite the OP involving her, talking to her, doesn't bode well. That this isn't the first time she has behaved in this way adds to that. In more than one way the OP's wife is not being respectful to him and, in my opinion, needs to recognise that she is, at the very least, a part of the problem and commit to fixing that problem; if the relationship is to survive. Sailing or no sailing.

No one person in a relationship bears all the responsibility for making things work - relationships are a partnership where there must be equality or there is too much room left for respect to be lost and resentment to set in. Both of those are relationship killers.

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

It is not a crime to be afraid of home schooling. Some people <<believe>> the public schools are better; some, that home schooling is. Would YOU be happy to do it?

Ann, the OP has already said he is interested in home schooling the children. His annoyance was directed at her not even reading the book, not that she's afraid of it. It sounds like this was part of the plan that she hasn't fulfilled and fits the pattern of her passive aggressive response. Agreeing to things, not doing them, not talking about the reasons why.

The harsh reality is that the OPs wife is a poor communicator yet hasn't accepted that or committed to working on it. Her reluctance to even go to counselling is a bad sign that appears to continue a pattern of avoiding issues. If this doesn't change there is no hope of salvaging the relationship. If she gets into counselling then you can both talk about your issues and both work towards them being resolved - that seems like the only way.

If not, then I agree with the advice offered regarding making the best situation possible for the kids. In this day and age there's no valid excuse for non-resident parents being excluded from children's lives beyond the children actually being in danger. However be aware that in some circles, including legal if you can't avoid that, you will face stigma and bias.

Good luck with the counselling; you'll both really need to try hard to make it work here.

[zstine]

I just want to thank you all for your advice and well wishes on my dilemma. It has been more help than you can know. It has helped me organize my thoughts, consider different points of view, understand some consequences I hadn't realized, and maybe even give me some empathy for the wife and kids. I know this is not a marriage counseling forum, but you guys do a bang up job, And this is by far the most attention any of my threads have ever gotten!

On a good note... Wifey has agreed to passports for the kids. hoping to apply tomorrow assuming the post office can make an apt for us at her lunch time. And, our 10yr anniversary is coming up in May, so I suggested we charter in the USVI in memory of our honeymoon, but with kids this time (no passports needed). She said she would consider it, so that's something.

[sailjumanji]

Go to Bahamas in April and May. Feb and March might be better than up north, but you still get cold fronts making it that far south. We were there in 2016; and Abacos and exumas had a lot of fronts coming thru in Feb and March. If you've only got one chance for a trip to convince her, don't do so early.

And don't rush the crossing. My wife talks fondly of our two months in Bahamas, but also always brings up how bad the crossing was. Another lesson learned: don't travel with people that have less time off work than you. We are retired!

[sailorboy1]

I didn't read past the op post really. All I'll say is that I've come across a few cruisers with school age kids and cruising seems to be a positive plus for all of them

[Lrak]

Tried to PM this but apparently I'm not trustworthy enough. I suggest you read the following...

Books:
'No more Mr. Nice Guy' and 'When I Say No I Feel Guilty'

Forum:
https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredp...ins_and_first/

But really everything about frame and 'defication' tests on:
https://reddit/r/marriedredpill

This did more for my marriage than all of the one sided "compromising" I did for years. My wife didn't turn around until our marriage counsellor (we went by my ultimatum and I HATE therapy) agreed with me that a separation would be a better thing for our children. She very suddenly started taking her individual therapy seriously and became someone I could stand. You've got to take the lead captain.

[sailorcherry]

Originally Posted by daletournier

Im so done with comments like " happy wife happy life" the inequality of these ridiculous statements is just so accepted and not questioned. How about "happy husband happy life "then once we get past that stupidity how about "happy life"?

Sent from my vivo Y35 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

It is not a ridiculous statement.
Dale, maybe if would have read my whole post you would see I clearly include him and his happiness in the solution I offered.

I have seen a LOT of unhappy, single men in the sailing world. My suggestion and comments were based on that observation and my personal experience as a female sailor (over 14 years a mix of: racing, cruising, living aboard and having owned several boats).

OP- I think Ann has the best advice here. She is often on the money!

I could really see the my idea about the Bahamas working out for you guys.
How cool would it be for your kids there too?! The desolate islands, warm, clear water and a new culture. Yet a fun Caribbean bar/restaurant to have fun at.
Still, I'd budget for marina stays to help her with the tiny concern (particularly for gales).

Treat her as a partner cruising (co-capt). That goes a long way man. Go with lots of toys for everyone. I have definitely felt cabin fever and boredom at anchor for days. Those cured it and made the hard parts of cruising much more worth it.

Originally Posted by daletournier

Im so done with comments like " happy wife happy life" the inequality of these ridiculous statements is just so accepted and not questioned. How about "happy husband happy life "then once we get past that stupidity how about "happy life"?

Sent from my vivo Y35 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

[daletournier]

Originally Posted by sailorcherry

It is not a ridiculous statement.
Dale, maybe if would have read my whole post you would see I clearly include him and his happiness in the solution I offered.

I have seen a LOT of unhappy, single men in the sailing world. My suggestion and comments were based on that observation and my personal experience as a female sailor (over 14 years a mix of: racing, cruising, living aboard and having owned several boats).

OP- I think Ann has the best advice here. She is often on the money!

I could really see the my idea about the Bahamas working out for you guys.
How cool would it be for your kids there too?! The desolate islands, warm, clear water and a new culture. Yet a fun Caribbean bar/restaurant to have fun at.
Still, I'd budget for marina stays to help her with the tiny concern (particularly for gales).

Treat her as a partner cruising (co-capt). That goes a long way man. Go with lots of toys for everyone. I have definitely felt cabin fever and boredom at anchor for days. Those cured it and made the hard parts of cruising much more worth it.

Hi ,wasn't ridiculing your advice but was specifically taking a shot at the happy wife comment, not you.
You hear happy wife comments or equivalent regularly, ive seen to many men give up their dreams to fit around the females wants and demands. Men actually need to step up and be a little more outspoken in these areas without fear of the political correct rock throwing that usually follows.
Not sure if this is very helpful here due to the delicacy of the predictment so I'll leave it at that.


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[CaptJamesCook]

little levity
Movie; Captain Ron