The Joke Thread

[vet222]

My girlfriend just emailed me this one:

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES : THESE REALLY WORK!!


1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE..

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

[Sailor g]

Originally Posted by Dan_78

I thought this was funny. Could be a warning to others.
--------------------------------------
9 Deadly Words Used By A Woman

1) Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2) Five Minutes
Is she is getting dressed, this meands half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3) Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4) Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5) Loud Sigh
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6) That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7) A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she say's "Thanks a lot" - That is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome". That will bring on a "whatever").

8) Whatever
Is a woman's way of saying F-You!

9) Don't worry about it, I got it
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to #3.

Sigh. Whatever! That's fine.

 LOL

[speakeasy]

Originally Posted by Sailor g

Sigh. Whatever! That's fine.

 LOL

Now THAT'S Funny!

[T1 Terry]

A bit of American humor:

My Point Exactly:

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.’

'So what do you think about that Doc?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.’

As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..

Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'

T1 Terry

[Sailor g]

You know a man is getting old if when a pretty young girl sails by -his pacemaker causes the autopilot to move off course!

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Sailor g

You know a man is getting old if when a pretty young girl sails by -his pacemaker causes the autopilot to move off course!

In my case it would be; -his autopilot causes the Pacemaker to move off course!

.

[avb3]

A young Vancouver woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life
by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself
from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are
off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of
you,bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted
to go to Italy , the woman accepted.That night the sailor brought her aboard
and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.From then
on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine,
and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?"asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the crew," she replied. "He brings me
food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Nanaimo Ferry."

[Lancerbye]

Bear Remover



A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear
Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
Baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,
then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof With this
baseball bat.
when the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and
not let go.
The Bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the
back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!

[kindredspirit]

In my next life I want to live backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out of it for being too healthy, you go to collect your pension and then when you start to work, you get a gold watch and party on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy retirement.

You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous and then you are ready for secondary school.

You then go to primary school, you become a kid and you play all day.You have no responsibilities.

You become a baby and sleep and eat until you are born.

And then you spend your last nine months floating in luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then, Voila! You finish off as a twinkle in your father’s eye.

I rest my case.

[S/V Antares]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch,
naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and
saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Need's ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[Ex-Calif]

From an Aussie buddy...

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Qantas one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

A recent study found that the average Aussie walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

So that means, on average, Aussies get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be an Aussie.

[S/V Antares]

Coffee and Testicles

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[capn_billl]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

From an Aussie buddy...

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Qantas one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

A recent study found that the average Aussie walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

So that means, on average, Aussies get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be an Aussie.

Well this confirms my theory. I've heard it said that the world runs on money, but I think it actually runs on beer.

[ShipShape]

I'm trying this tomorrow. . .


________________________________


EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[delmarrey]

One more for the end of the year!


An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: So, how are things in Hell?

Satan replies: Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.

What! God exclaims: You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me.

Not a chance, Satan replies: I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!

God insists: Send him back or I’ll sue!

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: Yeah, right.
And where are you going to get a lawyer?