The Joke Thread

[mmckee1952]

September 30, 2009 10:45 AM Blonde In The Snowstorm

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero, when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to the parking lot and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her snowy situation. She then remembered her daddy's advice that if she ever got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough, in a little while, a snowplow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snowplow, she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window.

The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Home Depot next.

[GordMay]

Trafalger revisited ...

“England Expects That Every Man Will Do His Duty”

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
........... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy.

[anjou]

Oh so very true Gord.
You realy couldnt make it up.
I often wonder what my ancestors would think if they were alive now.

And we wonder why the country has gone to the dogs. ooops, was that an offensive comment?

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by anjou

... And we wonder why the country has gone to the dogs. ooops, was that an offensive comment?

I think it may have been.

Dogs have much to teach us, for instance:

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.

2. Don't go out without ID.

3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing on their shoes.

4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.

5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.

7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).

8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Here's a short glossary of politically correct terminology:

Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.

Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.

Serial Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs.

Lazy: Motivationally deficient.

Fat: Horizontally challenged.

Fail: Achieve a deficiency.

Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.

Bald: Follicularly challenged.

Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.

Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance.

Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.

Worst: Least best.

Wrong: Differently logical.

Ugly: Cosmetically different.

Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.

Short: Vertically challenged.

Dead: Living impaired.

Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual.

Spendthrift: Negative saver.

Drunk: Chemically inconvenienced.

Pregnant: Parasitically oppressed.

Ignorant: Knowledge-based non-possessor.

[LtBrett]

Gord,

Translation, please. Your signal hoist stumped me.

Brett

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by LtBrett

Gord,
Translation, please. Your signal hoist stumped me.
Brett

And so it should.

Nelson’s famous message was relayed using the numeric code devised by Sir Home Popham. This code assigned the digits 0 to 9 to ten signal flags. These flags in combination represented code numbers which were assigned meaning by a code book, distributed to all Royal Navy ships and weighted with lead for disposal overboard in case of capture. The word "duty" was also not in the code book and had to be spelt out, so the whole message required twelve "lifts".
It’s intended to read:
Code Number = Meaning
253 England
269 expects
863 that
261 every
471 man
958 will
220 do
370 his
4 D
21 U
19 T
24 or 25 Y

[mmckee1952]

Hollywood Squares:
>
> These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
>
> Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
> A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Loneliness!
> And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.
>
> Q. Do female frogs croak?
> A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
>
> Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
> A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
>
> Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
> A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
>
> Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep.. Are you probably a man or a woman?
> A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
>
> Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
> A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
>
> Q.. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
> A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
>
> Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
> A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
>
> Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
> A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
>
> Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
> A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
>
> Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
> A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
>
> Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
> A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
>
> Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
>
> Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
> A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
>
> Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
> A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
>
> Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
>
>
> Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
>
> Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
> A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
>
> Q.. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
> A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
>
> Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
> A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
>
> Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
> A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
>
> Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
> A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
>
> Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
> A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
>
> Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
> A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
>
> Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
> A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
>
> Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
> A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
>
> WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
>
>
> WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING !!!

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by mmckee1952

Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now...

Wasn’t Hollywood Squares was cancelled in the early 80's?
The funny answers were never spontaneous, and Peter Marshal wasn’t*.

* Peter Marshall was born as Ralph LaCock

[mmckee1952]

Picky, Picky, Picky, there still funny though, who cares if there really weren't spontaneus, ya still gotta luagh at some of them though.

[TaoJones]

One that I didn't see on your list, Mike:

Peter Marshall: Paul, is it true that Paul Newman has said that he would have no objection to doing a nude scene if he had the right part?

Paul Lynde: What's the matter . . . doesn't he have the right part?

TaoJones

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by GordMay

I think it may have been.

Dogs have much to teach us, for instance:

I heard that men think just like their dog counterparts

- Sniff it
- Can't eat it?
- Can't scr#w it?
- Piss on it

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by mmckee1952

Picky, Picky, Picky, there still funny though, who cares if there really weren't spontaneus, ya still gotta laugh at some of them though.

If it's not true, and you don't even care, why say it?

You're right, though, some of them were sort of funny.

[mmckee1952]

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6 Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2.. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs

[stevensc]

The old dilapidated boat.
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old run down
boat and kept pretty much to himself.
One day he rented his boat out to a group of out of towners who ended
up sinking it.
He spent all day salavaging what he could. Unbeknow to him,his
brother John's wife had died suddeniy in his absence.
When he got back to shore, he went to town to pick up a few things.
A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said,"I sorry for
your loss. You must feel terrible?" Joe,thinking she meant the boat
said "Heck no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing from the begining. Her bottom was all
shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish.She was always holding
water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the
front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked
like crazy! I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented
her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she
wasn't in very good shape. But they wanted her anyway.The darn fools
tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle.
"THE OLD WOMAN FAINTED!!!!!

[mickmul]

Think back to the package holidays you've been on and I'm sure you can
picture the dimwits who'd submit these complaints!!
((Survey by Thos Cook and ABTA)
"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does
not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often
needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every
restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring
our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a
visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast
ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in
by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the
back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure
shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and
strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as
my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader,
only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the
Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends'
three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee
hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The
food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests
before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a
double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find
myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room
that we booked."