The Joke Thread

[Rhapsody-NS27]

Thought this was good.

[captain58sailin]

I would think the bikini would have a larger portion of the brain.

[brutb]

Originally Posted by captain58sailin

I would think the bikini would have a larger portion of the brain.

Captain58salin, I know in my brain it surely would and I bet anyone $25.00 that MarkJ's brain it is probably 83.2% of his.

[captain58sailin]

There was an old joke, "Men think about sex once every three seconds, then I wonder what to think about the other 2 seconds. "

[dohenyboy]

Actually its that men think about sex constantly and every 15 seconds momentarily think of something else

[BigJohn]

Originally Posted by captain58sailin

There was an old joke, "Men think about sex once every three seconds, then I wonder what to think about the other 2 seconds. "

actually staring at tits for the other 2 ...

[Seaworthy Lass]

Originally Posted by captain58sailin

I would think the bikini would have a larger portion of the brain.

Not in this sailor's brain it wouldn't!

[T1 Terry]

Maybe it should be a little explanatory, this is possibly in a male sailor’s brain, the bikini sized section and problem motor sized section swap depending on the circumstances, but there has been a part left out. This is explained in the clip at the end of this post.

The female sailor’s brain, the motor will be in the bikini sized section. In the motor section goes the bikini, all 5 different one they have on board and the ones they saw that they wished they had bought, add the same with shoes, skirts, tops, matching under wear for all of the possible combinations, hair, mirror, colours of nail and toenail polish....... then the accessories. Now, remove all the compartment lines, these are only in a males head, females can multi task so all and any of these things can be/are thought of at the same times
Now an explanation of what is missing from the male brain and a clarification of how it all works

"The Nothing Box" (AKA. Men's vs. Women's Brains) - YouTube

T1 Terry

[captain58sailin]

More jokes Coops, I am starting to get philosophical. Shouldn't have given up drugs and alcohol all those years ago, darn brain starts working again after awhile.

[stevensc]

The Barbershop
A guy pops into a barbershop and asks one of the guys busy cutting hair " How long a wait for a haircut?" The barber looks up and says "I'm booked up for a couple of hours" The guy thanks him and leaves.
A few days later the same guy walks in with the same question for the barber, barber tells him "Sorry I have about 3 hours of appointments booked" The guy thanks him and leaves again. The barber tells the shoeshine boy " See that guy that just left, he's been in here a couple of times asking how long a wait to get a haircut, but he never gets one. Maybe he is from another shop trying to take some of our customers, the next time you follow him and see who he's working for." Several days later it happens again, and the barber tells him he'll be busy till closing time, the guy as usual thanks him and leaves. The barber tells the shoeshine boy, "OK now follow him and see who he is working for, then hurry back and let me know." A while later the shoeshine boy returns, tears of laughter running down his face the barber shouts " Well fool, don't just stand there, tell us, where did he go?"

See the shoeshine boy's answer below:

"He went To your house."

[Coops]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:







Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna

Coops.

[Coops]

Enjoy Your Old Age ???
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always
feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and
nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old.
"When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You
take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes
out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat
rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and
poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."
__________________________________________________ _______________

Arthur is 95 years old. He has played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad...once I've hit the
ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three.
He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is
Perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I can't remember."

Coops.

[Coops]

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment Office. When asked his occuption Paddy answered "Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies knickers and tongs."
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 pounds as week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation he replied "Diesel Fitter." Since Diesel Fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave him 160 pound a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. he stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co worker was collecting double his pay. The Clerk explained "Knicker Stitcher are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.

"What skill." yelled Paddy. "I sew da elestic on da knickers and tongs, Then Mick puts dem over is head and says "Yep diesel fitter"

Coops.

[Coops]

A man is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife.
He immediately dials 999.

Man: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!'

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Man: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

Coops.

[Coops]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.


While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.


Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor
in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is
doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blond women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....


"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

Coops.