The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[GordMay]

I'm going to start a charity for the clinically insane.
I’m going to call it "Fundamental".

In an attempt to help the less fortunate, I want to start a charity, where people can donate their lightly used weaponry, whether they be guns, knives, tanks, etc; so that the poor and disabled can have a sense of security, while living on the streets, at an affordable price.
It could be called the “Goodkill”.

I started a charity, for Pavlov's dogs.
It's called "The Salivation Army".

I'm starting a not for profit, that specializes in rebuilding environments, for large sea mammals.
Wish me luck, with "Habitat for Huge Manatees".

[GordMay]

Q: What do you call an affectionate vagrant?
A: A homeless romantic.

Q: What do you call two homeless people, throwing rocks at each other?
A: A Pillow Fight.

Q: How do you break something, that's already broke?
A: Injure a homeless person.

Q: What do you call a homeless monkey, in the woodwind section, of an orchestra?
A: The oboe bonobo hobo.

Q: What do you call an 18-year-old orphan?
A: Homeless.

Q: How many homeless guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You’re telling me there’s change in a lightbulb?

Q: What do you call a homeless goblin?
A: A goblout.

Q: What do you call a homeless lady with fair hair?
A: A vagablonde.

Q: What do you call a professional delivery captain, who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What do you call an atheist charity?
A: A non-prophet organisation.

In a progressive move, Mattel is making a new boyfriend for Barbie, who's a homeless man, from New Jersey.
Q: What’s his name?
A: Hobo Ken.

Q: What's the best nation in the world?
A: A donation.

[GordMay]

The Lessons:

Stock Trading Glossary:
Chart - what you check after you exit trading, trying to understand what went wrong.
System Trading - a phrase you employ to explain to the Apprentice how your trade did not work out the way you meant.
Break – a pause you take when you have either 2 profitable, or 5 unprofitable deals in a row.
Moving Average - a curly line that has nothing to do with the price movement, if you have an open position.
Trend Line - an imaginary line on the price chart, that only changes, when the market is closed, or when you are not looking.
Day Trading - trading which you start too late, and exit too early.
Scalping - losing only an eighth, in one go.
Confusion - 6 open positions.
Friday – a weekly opportunity to give back everything you gained that week.

The stock market is weird.
Every time one guy sells, another one buys; and they both think they’re smart.

A market analyst is an expert, who will know tomorrow, why the things he predicted yesterday, didn't happen today.

Stock Market Timing Tip:
The best time to buy anything is last year.

[GordMay]

The Quiz:

Q: How do you find a good small-cap fund manager?
A: Find a good large-cap fund manager, and wait.

Q: What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket, and buying a penny stock?
A: In the first case, you help finance your local community swimming pool. In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters home pool.

Q: Why did God create stock analysts?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

Q: How do you tell if a person is a stock market trader, or a cuckolding enthusiast?
A: Ask them the opposite of 'bull'.

Q: How do you measure the value of Chinese philosophy, on the stock market?
A: The Tao-Jones Industrial Average.

Q: What’s different between stock market and statistics?
A: Some people do get statistics.

Q: What do you call someone who buys and sells shrimp?
A: A Prawn Broker.

[chriswheat]

I've been trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament but good players are really hard to find.

[GordMay]

The Lesson [factoids]:

If everybody in the world held hands, around the equator, most of them would drown.

Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?

There are more airplanes in the ocean, than submarines in the sky.

The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal.
It's so big, in fact, that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over, and the whale would die.

They say, if you put your ears up to a seashell, you can hear the ocean. But, if you put your ear up to a strangers leg...
You can hear "What the hell are you doing?"

[GordMay]

The Quiz:

Q: How do you find electricity, in the ocean?
A: Just look for the current.

Q: How do you cut the ocean in half?
A: With a sea-saw.

Q: What do you call a thousand Australian lawyers in the ocean?
A: The Great Barrister Reef.

Q: What keeps the ocean from leaking out?
A: The seals.

Q: Why aren’t all oceans the same depth?
A: They’re inconsistent seas.

Q: What do you get, when you cross the Atlantic Ocean, with the Titanic?
A: About halfway.

Q: What do you call a 60 year old, Canadian woman, who flies planes, over the pacific ocean, for a living?
A: A pilot.

Q: What do you call it ,when you hold your phone perfectly up to the edge of the ocean?
A: A Verizon

They say, when you find a sea shell, pick it up, and put it to your ear, you can hear the ocean.
Q: Do you know why that is?
A: Because you’re on the beach.

Q: What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
A: Licence to Krill.

Q: What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
A: Whale of Fortune.

Q: Where does a killer whale go for braces?
A: The orca-dontist.

Q: Why don’t algae ever have sex?
A: Because they have a planktonic relationship.

[JPA Cate]

What do you call the doctor who graduated at the bottom of the class?
.
.
.
.
Doctor

[Montanan]

If you do not first succeed,

do as your wife told you to.

[chrisr]

A magician on a cruise ship did his act with a talking parrot who was very intelligent, while the magician did his act the parrot would constantly shout out and spoil the trick like “ it’s under his hat “ or it’s down his arm”, as the audience was laughing the magician didn’t mind, one night all the fire alarms went off and everyone ordered to get in the lifeboats, the magician grabbed the Parrot, covered it up and jumped into one of the last lifeboats, it floated away from the ship and the next morning he uncovered the parrot who never said a word, the boat floated around for days finally the parrot spoke “ O.K. I give up what have you done with the ship “.

[Montanan]

[D&D]

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[D&D]

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."

[Montanan]

[senormechanico]

I can identify with about half of these !

Originally Posted by D&D

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."