Why Do Cruising Couples Quit

[crazyoldboatguy]

Originally Posted by SV THIRD DAY

CrazyOldBoatGuy....
Your story, just expertly told, should be sent into all the Cruising Magazines because it my friend tells the story so well. Thanks for sharing such a personal story. Much appreciated.

Thanks. Many posts on this stream have been inspirational. Glad mine moved it forward.

[weavis]

Full time Cruising is not natural.
99.999999999999 people live on terra firma.

I doesnt make it wrong or whatever, it just means that it takes a special set of people to do it, and ultimately it is not for their entire life.

So why is it so difficult to accept that problems or concerns would NOT Be heightened on the sea? Facing a view of water day after day interspersed with beautiful bays and beaches and boat issues, moments of utter terror and cut off from friends and family?

You learn to love or hate your companion. You find out who each other really are. Dynamics change, disappointments emerge, weaknesses show. Its initially a pressure pot where personalities are refined.

The ones that survive the testing will have a strong marriage. The ones that dont will perhaps not have survived on land either when faced with difficulties.

Ultimately it comes down to expectations met or overcome. Sometimes its as simple as a project for a season. The time to change direction was upon them, not always at the same moment but with the view the marriage and each others wellbeing comes first.

I know many cruising couples. I also know of one where the husband died unexpectedly and the wife took a while to get herself together and then continued sailing. She has an air of sadness as their marriage was a strong one and she feels lost. But her love of sailing keeps her on the water. I think most wives would go home to to family and friends if this happened.

There would appear to be no single answer. Its down to the individuals own relationship with each other, life and the natural affinity to land and family and good health.

[JPA Cate]

weavis,

This is a frugality thread. What if the left-over partner after a decease is the one less adapted to fixing stuff?

Ann

[weavis]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

weavis,

This is a frugality thread. What if the left-over partner after a decease is the one less adapted to fixing stuff?

Ann

It is impossible to cover every reason for a return to home in a small comment. The loss of a partner is usually significant enough to trigger a change in thinking about circumstances, and as you pointed out, they realise that the skillset to carry on is missing, then that too would bring its own issues.

I know for me, in one circumstance, it took nearly two years to get myself together and move forward with some purpose and objectivity, and in that I dismantled everything that was part of the sharing, it had lost its importance doing it alone. Some things only work or are comfortable when shared with a loved one.


Realities always raise decisions to be made at inopportune moments.

[weavis]

I just had a patient, a lovely woman who has gone through some extended family bereavements this past few months. She said, " I want to just get on a boat and sail away for a few years".

So with my head in Cruising, I asked what kind of a boat she was looking for....

"Oh, I think the Princess line is doing some good cruises at the moment".

That told me.

[CoupleLifesaver]

I have a question regarding this issue, and hope one or all of you will give me some of your own observations and feedback. Is the CRUX of the problem that being at sea as a couple make people so DEPENDENT or CO DEPENDENT on one another, for their happiness, security, safety, entertainment, etc. . . .that it totally exhausts their ability to feel independent and the freedom that comes with it, because they are joined at the hip in this great outdoor adventure for prolonged periods of time? IEhttp://www.whatiscodependency.com/codependency-relationship-problems/: READ THIS LINK!!!

[sailorboy1]

I bet the real reason people stop cruising, especially within the first year, is that they get bored. A lot why a lot of retired people get part time jobs.

[oldragbaggers]

Originally Posted by sailorboy1

I bet the real reason people stop cruising, especially within the first year, is that they get bored. A lot why a lot of retired people get part time jobs.

When my grandkids whine that they are bored my daughter always tells them, "only boring people get bored."

I wonder if a lot of these people were also bored on land and thought that going cruising was somehow going to magically change that. I personally have never been bored as I always have a to do/see/learn list that is longer than I could ever possibly accomplish in my lifetime. But I can see what you say might be true for people who have never learned to engage themselves in varied activities or have no interests.

I have known so many people who expect life to "entertain" them. Things have to go fast, be stimulating, be exciting or else they lose interest quickly. I find this is true today with so many younger ones. They need a lot of toys that play with themselves (technology) or entertain them without any real active input from the user.

If you're willing to get off the boat, if you have a genuine curiosity towards people and places, if you find can find real pleasure in simple activity, if you see the wonder in nature, and enjoy experiencing new things, I can't imagine how you could ever get bored with this life (any life for that matter).

[Kenomac]

Originally Posted by sailorboy1

I bet the real reason people stop cruising, especially within the first year, is that they get bored. A lot why a lot of retired people get part time jobs.

I'm bored on land. So bored that I decided to go back to work 70 hours per week in order to fill up the long winter months.

Never bored while we're on the boat. 'Plenty of places to see, people to meet, books to read, tea time, swimming, fixing stuff, drinking beer, scuba, taking pictures of the anchor, cycling.............

[oldragbaggers]

Originally Posted by Kenomac

I'm bored on land. So bored that I decided to go back to work 70 hours per week in order to fill up the long winter months.

Never bored while we're on the boat. 'Plenty of places to see, people to meet, books to read, tea time, swimming, fixing stuff, drinking beer, scuba, taking pictures of the anchor, cycling.............

Winters are hard for us too. We hate being cooped up inside. Most of the stuff we love to do is outdoors.

Seems you've found the perfect balance, Kenomac. I'm sure the $$$ from those 70 hour weeks will go a long way to funding more of that fun stuff when you can get back aboard.

[GulfGal73]

Originally Posted by exMaggieDrum

GulfGaol, I am sure there are many many threads on this forum specifically addressing your issue. Use the search function to try and find them. The search is only partially helpful though as you get many threads that just happen to have the words you search on. But keep looking - you will find some. And some people on this board may remember some particularly good threads. There are also several decent books that specifically address this topic.

But having bought two older boats - one from 1978 and the other 1981. We looked for those that appeared to be well-maintained but also upgraded in all the important systems. Get a good survey from a surveyor who has a good reputation for being thorough for the buyer. That may not be the surveyor the broker recommends. Ask around from others. Some surveyors are less thorough than others but current boat owners may like that so the insurance company doesn't require more stuff to fix. On the other hand, when you get insurance, the company will want to see the survey and then you may have to convince them you will fix everything on the list. I'd rather go that way. If the surveyor puts some things on there for CYA and don't really need to be done (if you know what the difference is), you can talk them out of it (sometimes).

Some of the most important (not exhaustive):

- the hull and deck must be sound
- any evidence of leakage at deck hardware
- anything that keeps the water on the outside - thru hulls, shaft seals, rudder packings
- the motor(s) - have they been rebuilt, refurbished, replaced. What kind of engine? Is an unusual brand or a kluged together with marine parts? How many hours? If the engine is past its prime, replacing it will be a huge bill.
- interior - cabinetry, sole, overheads, lights - Many sailors are good at the systems stuff - mechanical, electrical, plumbing, but do not have the special skills of fixing interiors. It is not the same as working on kitchen cabinets.
- if the boat needs painting to meet your standards, that could be a big bill
- electrical system - is it a mess?
- batteries - can be expensive to replace but that is a normal every few years item anyway
- fuel tanks - clean, good shape, leaks - can be very expensive to repair/replace
- water tanks ditto
- beware boats where the inside and outside are pristine but under the covers the bilge is filthy, oil floating around, wiring a nightmare with corrosion evident, motor looks like it had set in a junkyard in the open for last twenty years.
- electronics - how old? will they meet your needs. If not - several thousand dollars will fix that.

Check out the reputation for the particular model in that age range. Some boats from that era were notorious for hull blisters because of changes in the fiberglass resins. Not all boats had that problem, and not every boat in a specific model/year. But check around to see how other experienced cruisers think about the model. You see new, inexperienced, people buy boats that they later find out had a history of problems or were just not good boats for what you want to do.

The list is much bigger than this. Most important - try to understand what is important to you to see if the boat has the basics covered that you want. E.g., carries enough fuel and water, good living areas, OK for entertaining with a good cockpit and salon (or not), etc. etc.

Good luck. You have some homework to do.

Thank you so much MaggieDrum! I printed this out. I was a real estate/property appraiser for well over a decade. I'm a pain when it comes to looking for bad stuff. This truly helps. I will for those other threads as well. Again...cheers!


Sent from my iPhone using Cruisers Sailing Forum

[6227]

Reading this has been enlightening. And the one take away I have to offer is this. You must love sailing. And of course all that goes along w/ sailing. The inconveniences, the weather, the change from life ashore.

I think the BUMFUZZLES are a perfect example. The were people who traveled the world by sailboat. They weren't sailors and even admit it. And last year they gave up on living on a boat b/c it just wasn't working for them.
Which takes a lot to publicly admit.

I also think that if your relationship isn't on solid ground while you're LIVING on solid ground, you can kiss it goodbye if you go to sea.

Myself, I love to sail. Whether I'm frostbiting my Laser (fx tomorrow is high 50's as opposed to a few weeks ago when it was iced over!), doing one of multiple races to Bermuda or delivering TransAtlantic or just going out for the day by myself or w/ my wife. And my ADM. loves being on the boat too. So I suspect that however long we are "cruising" it won't get old. She's done a few coastal deliveries w/ me and stood watch at 2am as well as gone gunkholing for 9 days and the only complaint she had was that it wasn't long enough!

[Seaworthy Lass]

Originally Posted by Saleen411

Aside from the previously mentioned issues, I'm curious as to WHY many cruising couples eventually quit. What part of reality gets in the way of the "dream" I would be very interested to hear what the experienced cruisers on this board have to say.

I have been hesitant chiming in as I have seen no statistics on what makes people stop cruising and I have not personally quit. Anecdotally though I can report that it is the repairs that most often seem to wear people down. The pain exceeds the pleasure of cruising and they quit. That and illness.

Originally Posted by CoupleLifesaver

I have a question regarding this issue, and hope one or all of you will give me some of your own observations and feedback. Is the CRUX of the problem that being at sea as a couple make people so DEPENDENT or CO DEPENDENT on one another, for their happiness, security, safety, entertainment, etc. . . .that it totally exhausts their ability to feel independent and the freedom that comes with it, because they are joined at the hip in this great outdoor adventure for prolonged periods of time? Co-Dependent Relationships, Codependency in Relationships by Darlene Lancer, MFT
READ THIS LINK!!!

In my opinion, the greater dependency on your partner is not a co-dependency issue as outlined in the article. You do not rely on your partner for self esteem or happiness when sailing any more than you would have on shore.

My husband and I have been cruising essentially full time for over seven years now, never more than a couple of metres apart for 95% of the time. We still have separate interests, but we do depend on each other far more for our safety etc. I really can't see how that could cause resentment or problems, unless you were unconfident of your partner's abilities and could not place any trust in them.

'Co-dependency' is a double edged sword. Yes, I can see problems if you tie your happiness into anyone or anything other than yourself. Yes, being with my husband enhances my happiness tremendously - joys are doubled, troubles are halved. He is also more important to me than anything else. If he decided he did not want to cruise or was no longer able to I would simply never step foot on a boat again despite my great love of boating. I would still find a way to be happy. Regardless of circumstances, ultimately my happiness is entirely my responsibility and not dependent on anyone else.

Originally Posted by zboss

We have friends that gave up cruising after 17 years, longer than many but less than many as well... they cited one reason for doing so is because "cruising" had changed. Too many boats, too many people, crowded anchorages, expensive food and drinks, and a change in the places they visited all those years. To them, the "Golden Age Of Cruising" was over and I see their point. We have discussions about armchair GPS sailors, crowded anchorages, mooring balls, safety, etc... all the time here. I do remember a time in the caribbean where we could go all summer and only see one or two boats. No, our anchorage is crowded with maybe a 100 boats year-round.

As for "the golden age of cruising being over" I can only say this is utter rot. Here in the Med (Aegean) it is still possible to have anchorages entirely to yourself peak season. In the last four months we have encountered just ONE other cruiser at anchor.

Just 2 cents worth from a happy cruiser .

SWL

[cruiser_wannabe]

There have been lots of great replies so I am sure my story will not be very different.

My husband and I started cruising in May 2007 with the plan to join an around the world rally. We completed the circle 26 months later and returned to work in 2009. I had the thought if we had the money and felt good about the money, we would simply stay aboard indefinitely. But there was a financial crisis and there was so much unknown at the time. I was offered a great paying job in August 2009 so I went back to land life - although land life for us was sub Sahara Africa so it still was an adventurous life. We plan on being full time cruisers again as we still have our boat in our new US based location where I continue to work.

We loved cruising- it was really a highlight for us and we look forward to being out there again.


Sent from my iPad using Cruisers Sailing Forum

[scottydaum]

I always hear this "real world" thing. On Sunday it's all sad and "back to the real world"
My "real world" is that I have to work it's just a job. And my real world is that I get the privilege of being a Sailor now and then and owning a little 40 plus year old boat that many folks just dream about. They don't know what's really involved and I don't really make it a point to try and drag them into reality. It's the dream...it's the anticipation it's the goal of "some day"
So for me the "real world is I work some and I play some and I am doing things other only dream of. I just try to share it with as many folks as I can so as to spread the joy. Life will show them about dock fees and bottom blisters. I just share the dream. Sailing is part of who I am so I can't decide it into real world fake world I sometimes sail on a 30 footer and sometimes I sail a Lazy Boy but usually in my heart I am on a boat near a boat or thinking of a boat and boat places. That is my real world. Best of luck to us ALL!!!!!