Spouse hates my boat

[Julie Mor]

Originally Posted by Cadence

This is not Dear Abby

He asked. That makes it Dear Abby.

And we have to give the OP credit for being able to think too,

[centerline]

Originally Posted by Cadence

You nailed it. Not our business. We may have only heard a small piece of it.

I can't believe the no. of people that want to be dear Abby or Dr. Phil. Maybe they are leading dull lives or have problems of their own?

I wish the monitor would pull the plug on the thread.

I know you didnt start it, so dont take this personal, but I cant believe the number of people who have no interest in the thread or in helping the OP try to think thru his dilemma... yet they stop in, or keep coming back, to offer their unhelpful comments. ...

the op is taking up a very small bit of real estate on this very large site with his question... and he, and/or his question may not mean a damn thing to you or people like you who will only criticize for his even asking the question, but to him, a bit of reasonable input probably means a lot....

almost everyone needs support sometimes and sometimes they just want to be heard, and there is a lot of experience that is held collectively by the members of this site, and yet each member does not have ALL the answers.... the point of this "community" is to offer help to those that ask for it.... telling them you dont have time for their problem and they need to see a shrink/counselor is not conducive to the intent. (AND, his problem does include his boat... so to resolve THEIR problem, do you think THEY should choose a counselor who is a boat owner or is a total landlubber?) just wondering what the consensus may be concerning this detail.... Hmmm?

I wish someone would pull the plug on users that have nothing helpful to contribute, yet feel they need to post something negative in the thread...

my point... on the op's behalf, and others, anyone who doesnt like the topic, should respectfully just stay the hell out of it.

but like I said, nothing personal

[misfits]

When I met my wife I lived on a boat. Courted her on the boat, proposed on the boat, had a small informal wedding ceremony on the boat. After 30 years of marriage she wants nothing to do with boats.


I have a twisted but honest outlook on this so the only advice I can give you is keep the boat. At least if things go south you'll have a place to live

[ntscout]

Originally Posted by centerline

I know you didnt start it, so dont take this personal, but I cant believe the number of people who have no interest in the thread or in helping the OP try to think thru his dilemma... yet they stop in, or keep coming back, to offer their unhelpful comments. ...

the op is taking up a very small bit of real estate on this very large site with his question... and he, and/or his question may not mean a damn thing to you or people like you who will only criticize for his even asking the question, but to him, a bit of reasonable input probably means a lot....

almost everyone needs support sometimes and sometimes they just want to be heard, and there is a lot of experience that is held collectively by the members of this site, and yet each member does not have ALL the answers.... the point of this "community" is to offer help to those that ask for it.... telling them you dont have time for their problem and they need to see a shrink/counselor is not conducive to the intent. (AND, his problem does include his boat... so to resolve THEIR problem, do you think THEY should choose a counselor who is a boat owner or is a total landlubber?) just wondering what the consensus may be concerning this detail.... Hmmm?

I wish someone would pull the plug on users that have nothing helpful to contribute, yet feel they need to post something negative in the thread...

my point... on the op's behalf, and others, anyone who doesnt like the topic, should respectfully just stay the hell out of it.

but like I said, nothing personal

wow, this really generated a lot more in the way of responses than I anticipated. Sorry if it takes up a bit of server space but at least it appears that I am not alone in the dilemma.

Thanks to all for your advice. I rescinded the broker agreement and will hold onto the boat for now while trying to figure out exactly what the problem(s) are. Putting on the hard is a no-go but maybe a bit less sailing and bit more watching her on her horses might work.

[JPA Cate]

Actually, I don't think suggesting counseling is a bad idea for the OP because of our not knowing the other side of the story. In counseling, even though as suggested above, some are only mediocre, it would quickly become obvious to the OP if his wife prevaricates or is unresponsive to counseling; that in itself would be useful information for him.

I have both given and received couple counseling. One needs to be aware no counselor has magic glue to repair the relationship. But, where both people are willing to give it a go, it is beautiful to watch them re-create their relationship. And actually, when the counseling leads to a dissolution, sometimes, through the understanding established, the dissolution can be not hateful.

Some people are not able to get to that space without a third party being involved, others can acknowledge when they're finished with a relationship and move on.

We all may not agree on what solution ntscouts should arrive at, but I think that it is better to honor his "ask" with the most helpful response we can, because he did ask.

I also think Cadence has a good point: we only know one side. The issue is only peripheral to cruising. The details are private *stuff*. So I think it's okay both for him/her to state that opinion and to withhold personal input where he feels it inappropriate.

Again, I wish ntscouts good luck with this one. He is in a difficult position, and he'll lose the inner healing of being on the water if he follows through with selling the boat.

Ann

[letsgetsailing3]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

He is in a difficult position, and he'll lose the inner healing of being on the water if he follows through with selling the boat.

Ann

That's not necessarily true. There are lots of ways to deal with this, including some options which would still allow some time on the water. It doesn't have to be an "all or nothing" thing.

[Kekaimalu]

Hi, I'm a boating wife, have been for the past 15 years, and my perspective is this, for what it's worth:

The ultimatum itself is a sign that the marriage is in trouble. There is an underlying problem that has nothing to do with the boat. Your passion for the boat could be emphasising to her what she is lacking, which is a passion of her own, as an individual. After children a woman can find herself lost as an individual. She has been a mother, a wife, perhaps she has also worked and ferried kids around and centred her life on the family. This means she has had to give up any of her own passions, or dreams. I have seen this happen to friends, particularly if they are menopausal.

I feel for your wife. She now needs to discover herself again and the truth is, it won't help her at all, for you to give up your own passions. She needs to find out who she is and to discover what excites her and moves her and how she can channel her energies now that the kids are gone and she finds herself, suddenly, without a purpose.

Have you built up a social network around boating? Do you have friends with wives who love the boating life and who you can do things socially with? This will bring another dimension to the boating experience for your wife. She will feel that it is not just your thing, but something that also belongs to her, because she has made friends who are connected with it.

It sounds like your boat is a beauty! Have you posted any photos? Is there are broker with photos you could link?

Women are often aesthetically minded. We love beauty but comfort too! So, my advice is talk to your wife and find out what you could do to make the boating experience more comfortable and enjoyable for her. Make her feel like she is an important part of the 'plan' and that you will do what it takes (within reason) to make her feel that this is a shared goal.

Good Luck. I hope your wife, who must by now realise how much you do love her, because you are willing to let this wonderful boat go, will see that a relationship needs both partners to work towards the 'middle'. One-sided ultimatums will eventually create more resentment than love.

Warmly,

Adriana

[charliehows]

I decided a long time ago that the only answer to an ultimatum is no. Still got my boat, haven't missed the partner.

[Cadence]

Originally Posted by centerline

I know you didnt start it, so dont take this personal, but I cant believe the number of people who have no interest in the thread or in helping the OP try to think thru his dilemma... yet they stop in, or keep coming back, to offer their unhelpful comments. ...

the op is taking up a very small bit of real estate on this very large site with his question... and he, and/or his question may not mean a damn thing to you or people like you who will only criticize for his even asking the question, but to him, a bit of reasonable input probably means a lot....

almost everyone needs support sometimes and sometimes they just want to be heard, and there is a lot of experience that is held collectively by the members of this site, and yet each member does not have ALL the answers.... the point of this "community" is to offer help to those that ask for it.... telling them you dont have time for their problem and they need to see a shrink/counselor is not conducive to the intent. (AND, his problem does include his boat... so to resolve THEIR problem, do you think THEY should choose a counselor who is a boat owner or is a total landlubber?) just wondering what the consensus may be concerning this detail.... Hmmm?

I wish someone would pull the plug on users that have nothing helpful to contribute, yet feel they need to post something negative in the thread...

my point... on the op's behalf, and others, anyone who doesnt like the topic, should respectfully just stay the hell out of it.

but like I said, nothing personal

If pointed at me, nothing taken as personal.

Maybe I come back because I think he is looking in the wrong place for advise and give a damn about him. If my wife didn't like race cars I'd look for solace at the track. That's just an example. Hell, I'm on wife no. two. That's worked for 49 yrs. Maybe that is what he should do? But my advise isn't worth a **** nor are the opinions on the thread.

[fishin4bogey]

Originally Posted by ntscout

Thanks to all for your advice. I rescinded the broker agreement and will hold onto the boat for now while trying to figure out exactly what the problem(s) are. Putting on the hard is a no-go but maybe a bit less sailing and bit more watching her on her horses might work.

Probably going to be your best course of action. Check on the boat to make sure all is well, even take her with you to do so. Get in get on check it over, then back in the car. Give her the time you think she needs, and re-visit this in 6 months or so. You'll have the feeling pretty quickly whether or not it's working. If in that time period you find that she's thrilled, but you are "hang your head and cry" miserable, then some decisions need to be made.

Me personally I was engaged to a wonderful woman for about three years. Came home from my long haul trucking job, and it was BOOM...what are WE doing, or if I wanted to take my powerboat out fishing with the boys, I'd get the "what about us?" (she has a daughter) From there on every day off was with her and the child. I would see my boat once every few months just to wash it off, and have the marina put it back up in the barn. I was miserable. If I wanted to take my boat out on my day off while she was at work, I got nothing but grief. Bought myself a wide angel lens on my birthday two years ago, and posted my purchase on my FB page. Oh the misery I caught from that because I didn't tell her I bought something for myself.

The long of a short story is she in a roundabout way called off the engagement in the parking lot of Home Depot about two years ago. At first I was devastated, but that wore off pretty quickly. Two years later, she's still miserable and hates the world, and I've happily and quite successfully moved on. Still friends, mostly because of her 7 yr old, who I absolutely adore.

Life is far too short to be unhappy. Six months to a year from now, you'll know exactly where you stand.

[westsail374]

Will there come a time when Jimmy Buffet's words run through your mind:

"So many nights I just dream of the ocean/ God I wish I was sailing again."

[Cadence]

Originally Posted by ntscout Thanks to all for your advice. I rescinded the broker agreement and will hold onto the boat for now while trying to figure out exactly what the problem(s) are. Putting on the hard is a no-go but maybe a bit less sailing and bit more watching her on her horses might work.


Grats, I think you figured it out.

[letsgetsailing3]

Originally Posted by ntscout

wow, this really generated a lot more in the way of responses than I anticipated. Sorry if it takes up a bit of server space but at least it appears that I am not alone in the dilemma.

Thanks to all for your advice. I rescinded the broker agreement and will hold onto the boat for now while trying to figure out exactly what the problem(s) are. Putting on the hard is a no-go but maybe a bit less sailing and bit more watching her on her horses might work.

Good move. A little compromise goes a long way.

[rbyham]

Is there no middle ground here? How about going to the dark side and getting something powered. Think faster and coastal versus ocean. Have her help pick it out and go from something somewhat classic as it sounds like you enjoy restoration. Not a fixer upper but something nice that still needs some TLC...

[rbyham]

My bad... did not feel like reading 9 pages :-) Sounds like this discussion has made significant progress beyond my opinion...