So Your Wife/GF Doesn't Want to Sail, Here is Why and Here is What You can do About i

[In Training]

Statistically the man dies first, at a younger age than the woman. That alone should be reason to learn to do everything, including the head. You don't want to have to give up the boat just because your spouse had to leave you.

[Mora]

Great thread and I really appreciate the op.
I've crewed on several yachts as an inexperienced crew and appreciate all the teaching given. Butbas a woman you really have to assert yourself to learn, or otherwise be delegated to mostly the galley.
At work I'm a nurse, and I changed specialties at 40 years old to work in the operating room. At a point in your life you don't want to be the newbie, you justnwant to be confident in what you're doing. But in order to learn new skills you need to humble yourself, get a thick skin, andnknow that you know what you're doing. Sailingnis the same. Know that you don't know. Accept teaching. Require professional courteous instruction, and learn your ass off. Dedicate yourself to gaining skills and it won't be long till you're a valuable sailor.
Mora
Moramargaret.com

[redhead]

Originally Posted by Mora

Great thread and I really appreciate the op.
I've crewed on several yachts as an inexperienced crew and appreciate all the teaching given. Butbas a woman you really have to assert yourself to learn, or otherwise be delegated to mostly the galley.
At work I'm a nurse, and I changed specialties at 40 years old to work in the operating room. At a point in your life you don't want to be the newbie, you justnwant to be confident in what you're doing. But in order to learn new skills you need to humble yourself, get a thick skin, andnknow that you know what you're doing. Sailingnis the same. Know that you don't know. Accept teaching. Require professional courteous instruction, and learn your ass off. Dedicate yourself to gaining skills and it won't be long till you're a valuable sailor.
Mora
Moramargaret.com

Exactly!

[darylat8750]

Originally Posted by ramblinrod

Re:
Well intentioned dock hands.

Our rule number 427. If some offers assistance while docking, we offer no line and ask them to fend off the bow. If they look puzzled we request they step out of the way.

Too many inexperienced docking helpers, believe they should stop the boat with the bow line, before the vessel is stopped by the engine or aft of midship cleat. Invariably, it ends up with the bow smashing into the dock, or the helper standing dumbfounded in the middle of the boarding gate so the competent crew can't get off the boat as required.

By standing up at the front of the slip, prepared to "fend off the bow" it feels like they are helping, and they can't do anything wrong or get in the way.

Good solution.

[FutureStories]

This is an AWESOME thread! I immediately after reading this decided to put some more time and energy into teaching my girlfriend to sail.

I'm stubborn and I learn by failure. I've been sailing for a long time, so jumping from small boats to a 32' didn't seem like much to me. I kept telling her "just come out and you'll learn" but she doesn't learn the same way I do.

So after reading this I suggested taking lessons (total waste of money IMO with all the free ways we have available to teach her, but I would pay any amount of money to make her comfortable on my boat) I've suggested she learn on a small boat at the Special Olympics (we both help with) with an instructor 1on1 but she feels uncomfortable taking resources away from the athletes even if it would help the overall program long term.

So looks like I'll be shelling out money for structured classes, and now before bed she asks "should we watch SV Delos tonight"

Thank you for this thread! It gave me a fresh perspective and I've put my stubbornness aside and now my girlfriend wants to sail!

[Sea Dreaming]

Originally Posted by FutureStories

This is an AWESOME thread! I immediately after reading this decided to put some more time and energy into teaching my girlfriend to sail.

I'm stubborn and I learn by failure. I've been sailing for a long time, so jumping from small boats to a 32' didn't seem like much to me. I kept telling her "just come out and you'll learn" but she doesn't learn the same way I do.

So after reading this I suggested taking lessons (total waste of money IMO with all the free ways we have available to teach her, but I would pay any amount of money to make her comfortable on my boat) I've suggested she learn on a small boat at the Special Olympics (we both help with) with an instructor 1on1 but she feels uncomfortable taking resources away from the athletes even if it would help the overall program long term.

So looks like I'll be shelling out money for structured classes, and now before bed she asks "should we watch SV Delos tonight"

Thank you for this thread! It gave me a fresh perspective and I've put my stubbornness aside and now my girlfriend wants to sail!

Classes are the right thing to do! One of the biggest problems with one part of a couple teaching the other part is that they know they don't have anyway to assess your skill.
I know men may think "but I am experienced! Of course she should trust me." But trust isn't just given, it's earned by demonstration. But if your partner knows nothing, then they have no way to know if you are skilled or an idiot. Wit a few classes to learn the basics for herself, she can see that you know your stuff and is more likely to trust that she can learn the next level from you.

Ok, I said that all in an "authoratative" voice. Purely poor writing style. I should have said this is what I am thinking when someone offers to teach me something I know nothing about.

[FutureStories]

Originally Posted by Sea Dreaming

Classes are the right thing to do! One of the biggest problems with one part of a couple teaching the other part is that they know they don't have anyway to assess your skill.

I know men may think "but I am experienced! Of course she should trust me." But trust isn't just given, it's earned by demonstration. But if your partner knows nothing, then they have no way to know if you are skilled or an idiot. Wit a few classes to learn the basics for herself, she can see that you know your stuff and is more likely to trust that she can learn the next level from you.



Ok, I said that all in an "authoratative" voice. Purely poor writing style. I should have said this is what I am thinking when someone offers to teach me something I know nothing about.

Yeah. Its just frustrating equating the $$$$$ to much needed gear. But having a second skipper is priceless.

I'm glad she's taking an interest! And I couldn't put a price tag on that.

[GafferMate]

You'll be amazed at how much better you and your partner will feel if you both think of it this way: returns on any and all money spent on boats are INVESTMENTS that pay huge dividends, not losses 'shelled out'.

Another simpler way to say the same thing: boats can only give back whatever we put into them.

[redhead]

You definitely are on the right train of thought - another way to look at the investment in classes for your best friend:

You will be able to rely on each other as equals and trust in each others judgement. 20 years ago when my husband was teaching me he found it to be exhausting and I found it to be soul suckinglingly depressing being corrected every minute. After I learned a bit, he was able to go below for a nap (and actually nap instead of pretending) while my mood improved 100%. We survived, but it wasn't pleasant and caused a few arguments. OK, more than a few.

The goal is for both of you to get out there, having a ball. The whole point, for me at least, is that moment when you turn off the engine and the boat catches the wind and you take off in silence. There is nothing in life that can beat that. And if you can find someone else that loves that moment as much as you, well, what's better than that? Good luck!

[Mike OReilly]

When my spouse and I began our sailing life we both took the first level keel boat cruising course together (CYA Basic). This was a week-long liveaboard course. Following this we agreed the next courses would be done individually. And so she went off and did her Intermediate and Advanced courses without me, as did I.

Doing them individually meant we both grew our own skills independently of each other. This worked well for us. Sure, it costs money, but I wouldn’t begrudge the cost FutureStories. It will give your spouse her own independent skill set. And I bet she’ll come back and be able to teach you a whole lot of stuff you only think you know .

[Tillsbury]

My ex-wife went on a female-only Day Skipper course (a week on the boat with three others and a female instructor). She found it extremely useful, and of course no chance of any guys taking over the “hard” parts. Very much recommended if you can find one nearby.

[JPA Cate]

You know, Vinni wrote in her original post that the wife will benefit from the husband's encouraging her. Oh, yes, Vinni, the encouragement is so helpful, no matter where the relationship falls on the equality side of things, and, IMO, for both genders. We can all use encouragement.

Encouragement is way more useful to an individual than doing *it* for them, because if you do it for them, they don't learn how to do it for themselves. Encouraging them leads to self confidence, which is an all 'round benefit.

Early on, someone mentioned a woman who didn't want to have anything to do with learning to said, or do maintenance. If she just doesn't respond to encouragement, then you may be stuck with her attitude, you aren't the only one. Just like men, women differ in what they are attracted to or willing to accept.

However, to me, encouragement, coupled with giving the partner the space to do it, and ask for help if needed, that's key. It requires a very high level of intrapersonal trust. For that reason, sometimes separate lessons works very well for both partners.

Ann

[redhead]

Originally Posted by JPA Cate

You know, Vinni wrote in her original post that the wife will benefit from the husband's encouraging her. Oh, yes, Vinni, the encouragement is so helpful, no matter where the relationship falls on the equality side of things, and, IMO, for both genders. We can all use encouragement.

Encouragement is way more useful to an individual than doing *it* for them, because if you do it for them, they don't learn how to do it for themselves. Encouraging them leads to self confidence, which is an all 'round benefit.

Ann

Yes Ann, and the room to make mistakes. I need to be able to mess things up two or three times before I do it right. Then let me do it right five times and I'll know it for life. So the best teaching moment might not be one where it must be done right now and right the first time.

We had a terrible time learning this lesson. I would complain he never taught me, then he would turn at a critical moment and shout "OK you'll learn it now before we (insert disaster of your choice)". Guaranteed failure and bad feelings on both sides.

Now we choose a time when it's not a critical mission, I watch him do it and he explains as he does it. I then proceed to screw it up a couple of times (no I'm not putting myself down, I'm telling you this is the way I learn), then when I do it right once, I do it a couple of more times, then I've got a new skill forever. No muss, no fuss, no cuss.

Teaching a skill is not easy. Learning a skill is not easy. Doing either one successfully is pretty rewarding.

[rognvald]

By the responses, it is obvious we are living in the Y2K with the usual "male bashing" mantra so popular today. I recently read an article about a current movement in our US educational system to encourage/promote boys beginning in grade 1 to be less masculine and assertive aiming at a more gender-neutral human. So, are we to dismiss the last 6 million years of hominid evolution and the effects of testosterone/estrogen that has shaped the differences between male and females and proceed along the latest hip-hop philosophy of role-playing? Or, do we respect these differences and factor them into our division of labor aboard a boat? I have sailed with the same female for the last 30 years. I have my roles; she has hers. It works. Are there conflicts afloat? Yes. And, there are also conflicts on land. But they are usually typical male/female conflicts that have nothing to do with boating and everything to do with the fact that males and females see the world through different eyes. Simple. And, everything I can do with the exception of Celestial Navigation and boat repairs, she is fully capable of handling and has done so many times throughout our journeys. So, my opinion is if you're having a problem with the male/female on your boat . . . you picked the wrong partner. It has nothing to do with boating. Good luck and safe sailing . . . Rognvald

[dwedeking2]

Didn't know being a decent person to someone learning something new was gender-dependant.

Though I always paid for my wife to learn a hobby from someone else. She always takes my corrections to personal (which she admits) so it's just more productive to have someone else teach her the basics. For no particular reason to-date it's been another male.