What Would You Do If You Lost Your Partner?

[Teknav]

When you get to the point of feeling lonely, you need to rediscover yourself. If you are in good health, get a part-time job so as to maintain a healthy routine. Learn a new trade at a local junior college; deep tuition discounts for Seniors. Volunteer some of your free time at a local hospital. Exercise your mind by solving puzzles or advanced math problems. Exercise your body at a local YMCA. Since you're a sailor, learn to adapt to the wind of change in your life.

Never feel sorry for yourself! By Keeping busy, you'll never feel lonely. Good luck!

Mauritz
Got enough projects/ideas to last me several lifetimes.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by CaptForce

Thanks, I understand your comment. I would like to think that it would not be common.

It's a lot more common than you might think. Couples do couples things and singles do single things. Now suddenly you're not a couple anymore. And I think it happens to both men and women. Now this doesn't always happen and I truly believe that when it does it's completely unintentional.

Therefore, it behooves any of us who have friends and one of them dies to make sure we include the survivor in as many activities as possible.

The other situation where one really gets left out is divorces. You lose your spouse and often the majority of your friends.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Teknav

When you get to the point of feeling lonely, you need to rediscover yourself. If you are in good health, get a part-time job so as to maintain a healthy routine. Learn a new trade at a local junior college; deep tuition discounts for Seniors. Volunteer some of your free time at a local hospital. Exercise your mind by solving puzzles or advanced math problems. Exercise your body at a local YMCA. Since you're a sailor, learn to adapt to the wind of change in your life.

Never feel sorry for yourself! By Keeping busy, you'll never feel lonely. Good luck!

Mauritz
Got enough projects/ideas to last me several lifetimes.

You can't be busy enough possibly to offset that void that suddenly exists in your life, in your heart, and in your soul. Yes, activities help. Counseling helps, Family helps. Friends help. But there will still be moments you feel as if your insides were just ripped out.

I can't imagine how empty I'd feel. Angry too I suspect. And I would go on and would be active. But the only reason I would is that I owe it to her, that I've committed to her and she has to me. We've always honored any vows to each other and somehow whichever of us was the survivor would find a way to do it then.

[JPA Cate]

Originally Posted by keepondancin

This is what I am now dealing with. My wife of 45 years, passed unexpectedly a couple of weeks ago. First decision, is to make no decisions. I am thinking long and hard as to what to do. With my wife's increasingly limited mobility, I had made changes in the boat to make it very easy for me to sail. Close quarters maneuvering is my greatest concern. I can anchor by myself, picking up a mooring will be difficult but doable with some thought, but docking with wind and current issues will certainly be a challenge. We had sailed 10 to 20 thousand miles, cruised for 10 years, so we were just a reasonably well operating team. One thing I do have to add, is you can plan for, and project what you will do, but when you loose your life mate, you realize it is like nothing you could ever imagine. There are times I am sure I hear her calling me but she isn't there. The thought of the boat gives me comfort, and at other times seems like just one more unpleasantness I have to deal with. We treasured the solitude of a quiet anchorage, with beautiful sunsets, and now I dread the loneliness. It will be one day at a time, if the boat isn't the special place it has been for so many years, I will need to find another special place. Carol knew that at some point in time she very well may not be able to sail anymore. She would say, before we went cruising, "I want to be sitting in the rocking chair saying remember when, not I wish we had." We were able to say remember when, unfortunately we can't do it again. Peace.

Thank you very much for sharing. Some of those flowers are for Carol, too.

Peace & love.

[angelfish2]

Originally Posted by Prairie Chicken

....I'd hope some of our many cruising friends would be kind enough to get me on the water from time to time. However I do fear the dynamics that occur when a widow enters the mix. Widowers are usually welcomed; widows less so.

I'm afraid this is very common in all walks of life. However, I have noticed this to be even more prevalent in the sailing world.

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

...Never think that as an unattached woman you will not be considered a threat. Lots of folks feel threatened by lots of *stuff* and one has no control over their hangups...

Unfortunately, this is true, also. Single women are looked at as being threats to the married gals. I have talked with solo women sailors and they have a real problem with companionship "out there". Often times, they can not hang out with couples and end up with male single-handers. That might be OK for a while, but it might get a bit...ummm...boring after a while. (Sorry, guys, no insult intended. )

[Prairie Chicken]

keepondancin, my condolences to you. I can't begin to imagine how difficult it would be.

I do agree with the poster above who says the first thing to do is nothing. We watched my mother-in-law make a number of significant changes, moves, etc. following the loss of my father-in-law. Many turned out to be mistakes which she later acknowledged. She undid many of the wise plans he had put in place for her that first year. I've vowed to make no serious decisions during the first year unless they are ones which I've carefully considered and decided upon well before hand.

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by SmartMove

MarkJ makes a great point about making sure ownership is joint. Smart Move is legally owned by an LLC and my husband and I are equal owners. I assume that would cover us here in the Caribbean but I should look into that a bit more.


Robyn

Equal owners is not good enough. We are equal owners, both listed as such onthe registration papers. Aside from that we carry a notarized paper that states:

In the event of death or incapacitation of the Captain XXXXXXX, the First Mate XXXXXX, immediately assumes the position of Captain, with all the rights, privileges and responsibilityies associated with that position, including, but not limitied to; sailing the boat or having the boat transferred by third party to any destination of her choice and/or sale of the boat.



Because I was the first one of us to get a Yachtmaster Ocean (she now also has one) I ended up being listed as the Captain. With this paper, my wife can do exactly what she wants with the boat (don't forget - there are other heirs).


Think of the possibility of the skipper being washed overboard and the mate shows up in harobur sans Captain - Big problems to start, compounded by inheritance issues.

By the way - both of us would keep the boat and continue sailing

[sailorboy1]

Both my wife and I are listed as owners on our documentation, but guess I need to check into whether both my wife and I can be listed as "Managing Captains" on our US Coast Guard documentation.

[zeehag]

a friend of mine lost her husband in l a cruz de huanacaxtle, nayarit,mexico, just before thanksgiving,k 2012..... she was only able to remove boat from mexico because she was and is on the document as co owner. there is no place on the documents i have received for my boat for captain name..just owner.

[rw58ph]

My wife would sell the boat, days after I pass away, and travel. The only reason she lives on the boat is to be with me. I would also eventually sell the boat after I got my life back together. However, we will probable sell the boat before either of us pass away as we have owned it for 19 years and been a live aboard for 17 years.

I am retiring this July, and we don’t have a clue where we want to live or due for the rest of our lives, so we are going to travel for the next year or so. The boat will sit unused for 8 to 9 months of the year like most PNW boats. So justifying the cost of ownership, $1,200/month, is going to be hard. We both do not want to be permently tied down. If we sell the bolat we will rent and be liquid/mobile.

[belizesailor]

Originally Posted by angelfish2

I'm afraid this is very common in all walks of life. However, I have noticed this to be even more prevalent in the sailing world.


Unfortunately, this is true, also. Single women are looked at as being threats to the married gals. I have talked with solo women sailors and they have a real problem with companionship "out there". Often times, they can not hang out with couples and end up with male single-handers. That might be OK for a while, but it might get a bit...ummm...boring after a while. (Sorry, guys, no insult intended. )

I've noticed this too, especially in the expat/cruising community. It astounds me how insecure otherwise intelligent, capable women can be...and how nasty & petty they can be when they feel threatened.

Really ladies, its 2014, can't you do better than that?

[SmartMove]

Thanks Carsten that is a good heads up. We were going to dissolve the LLC this year because there is no need for it anymore and it causing some confusion when clearing in. However, I did believe it would protect my assets in the boat.

When clearing in I do list myself as co-captain on the advise of some long time cruising friends of ours. Clearly, we need better supporting documentation.

Thanks, Robyn

[SmartMove]

Originally Posted by keepondancin

This is what I am now dealing with. My wife of 45 years, passed unexpectedly a couple of weeks ago. First decision, is to make no decisions. I am thinking long and hard as to what to do. With my wife's increasingly limited mobility, I had made changes in the boat to make it very easy for me to sail. Close quarters maneuvering is my greatest concern. I can anchor by myself, picking up a mooring will be difficult but doable with some thought, but docking with wind and current issues will certainly be a challenge. We had sailed 10 to 20 thousand miles, cruised for 10 years, so we were just a reasonably well operating team. One thing I do have to add, is you can plan for, and project what you will do, but when you loose your life mate, you realize it is like nothing you could ever imagine. There are times I am sure I hear her calling me but she isn't there. The thought of the boat gives me comfort, and at other times seems like just one more unpleasantness I have to deal with. We treasured the solitude of a quiet anchorage, with beautiful sunsets, and now I dread the loneliness. It will be one day at a time, if the boat isn't the special place it has been for so many years, I will need to find another special place. Carol knew that at some point in time she very well may not be able to sail anymore. She would say, before we went cruising, "I want to be sitting in the rocking chair saying remember when, not I wish we had." We were able to say remember when, unfortunately we can't do it again. Peace.

Dancin, I am very sorry to hear about your loss. Thank you for taking the time to share on this thread. Hugs to you!

Robyn

[SmartMove]

Originally Posted by belizesailor

I've noticed this too, especially in the expat/cruising community. It astounds me how insecure otherwise intelligent, capable women can be...and how nasty & petty they can be when they feel threatened.

Really ladies, its 2014, can't you do better than that?

I have not personally witnessed this in the cruising community, but it does not surprise me. After my divorce years ago, I became persona non grata among MY married friends -- I was crushed.

Robyn

[Teknav]

It all depends what kind of friends you have. Some friends should be labeled as "acquaintances" only. A true friend, will donate a kidney for you if you ever need it; these type of friends are GEMS and are very rare to have.

As for "all purpose" friends, their conversation will give it away at what to expect...in terms of jealousy. For example, if most conversations discuss clothes, food, children's toys, bowels movement, surgeries, pregnancies that lasted 20+ months, all purpose bitchin' about anything and everything...jealousy level will be extremely high. As a widow/widower/divorced, you will definitely be perceived as a threat to the spouse/existing relationship.

If your friends talk about ideas, construction details, surgical procedures, engineering advances, medical advances, aviation designs...jealousy level will be very low. These are the friends to find and keep, but you must be as challenging to maintain their intellect acumen.

Mauritz
Turkeys can't soar like eagles!