The Joke Thread

[hummingway]

New Years being nigh I thought a would post a few of the warnings they left off the bottle.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-** powers.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

[PatrickG]

Reminds me of an awesome warning I found on a recent visit to the Cape. Good to keep in mind!

[atoll]

Originally Posted by PatrickG

Reminds me of an awesome warning I found on a recent visit to the Cape. Good to keep in mind!

woggo's drunk in the middle of the road that brings back memories.........

[atoll]

Originally Posted by hummingway

New Years being nigh I thought a would post a few of the warnings they left off the bottle.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-** powers.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

yeah i know this problem

Caution about drinking and driving this Christmas

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many scotches and some rather nice merlot. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

[Sailor g]

Middle Age Texting Codes

Thought some fellow CF'ers may want some new Texting language to share with friends. ROFACGU!

http://www.gcfl.net/archive.php?funny=6132

[delmarrey]

This is for all the germ conscious folks
who worry about using cold water to clean.

A friend, Bill went to visit his 90 year old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan

After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
the next morning Bill's grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.


However,
Bill noticed a film like substance on his plate,
and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get 'em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'


For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again,
Bill was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them.
Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon,
Bill was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving,
his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

Bill yelled and said,
'Grandfather,
your dog won't let me get to my car'.


Without diverting his attention from the football game
he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

[lookoutnw]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

This is for all the germ conscious folks
who worry about using cold water to clean.

A friend, Bill went to visit his 90 year old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan

After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
the next morning Bill's grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.


However,
Bill noticed a film like substance on his plate,
and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get 'em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'


For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again,
Bill was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them.
Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon,
Bill was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving,
his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

Bill yelled and said,
'Grandfather,
your dog won't let me get to my car'.


Without diverting his attention from the football game
he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

Like they say , There ain't nuttin cleaner than ahound's tooth! But right after he is licking his???

[avb3]

Was in a 7/11 a while back, lots waiting and coming and going. The young feller behind the counter was really into his individualism. About 6 different colors in his hair, hackle and feathers hanging out all over the place and more metal in his face than I could count.

Anyhow, people are snickering and chuckling about the young fellows looks and i'm yapping to this older feller behind me. I get to the counter and start staring at the young man. You know the stare when you're drunk, head to the left and to the right like you're trying to figure something out? I took a page from Jimmy Flynn's joke book.

The poor young feller was getting uncomfortable with my staring and slowly he asks - Can... I... help... you?

Couldn't resist. Told him I got drunk 20 years ago, had sex with a peacock and i'm trying to figure out if he's my son. Well that was it, the place went up, had to pick the old skipper behind me off the floor and people were walking out.

[T1 Terry]

This one is cut and paste from another forum, it's boat related and good for a laugh, I left his name off for reasons that will become obvious as you read it.


I know boats, he says…..
I am in the market for a boat upgrade and have been looking around for a month or so.

I had looked at several boats and had a test drive of one. Today was my turn to test drive another new one as a comparison

To protect the innocent, the names have been changed.
All else is legit as it happened. Remember, I wasn’t driving


Arrived at the dealers at the prearranged time. All the safety gear was loaded on board and off we went to Darwin Harbour East Arm ramp to launch the unit.

Did the usual checks and we were off. Warmed up the motor and went out thru the channel near the island

We were about 1.5 kms from the ramp I said it looks like it’s a bit bow high.
‘Driver’ said “It might just be the height of the motor. If it’s too high we just lower it a bit.”
Me “How do you test that “
‘Driver’ “Just give it a hard lock turn and if it cavitates, it’s too high”
MC “Ok give it to her’ I grabbed the rails in anticipation
The ‘Driver’ lowered the speed and did a tight turn, not full lock – the side rail/chine dug in as we his a bit of chop.
The boat went up on its side and ‘Driver’ then turned further into the turn instead of correcting the ‘oversteer’

‘Fuggin Hell’ I thought. Fark.
As quick as a flash, ‘Driver’ went straight over the gunnel quickly followed by yours truly.
All happened seemingly in slow motion

We were both in the drink.
‘Driver’ bobbed up first and I followed soon after a few m away
‘Ohhh **$@’ we both said in unison .
Next thing the boat roared back into life again, farted and cavitated till the prop got traction and quickly disappeared in a straight line into the distance.

I remember thinking to myself “gee that thing rides well from this angle” then reality kicked it – Im not in it!!!! Life jackets etc. are safely on board.

Ok we are now both alone in the water, in the middle of the harbour with the tide running out!

So we decided to swim for a marker buoy around 500m away. Slowly treading water and aiming at the buoy but it was getting further away as the tide was taking us out

The former ‘Driver’ says “**$&, we’re not going to make it, I cant swim that far” he says.
Me “we’ll be ok, just tread water and the tide will take us close to the buoy” (all the time I’m shitting myself about the bitie/stingy things I've seen in the harbour)

Then I saw the boat (formerly occupied by 2 people) started to do a big turn and headed back towards us. I thought ‘that would be right, survived this only to be chopped up by the prop”

We saw a couple of boats around a km away but they kept going, oblivious to our plight.

After what seemed like hours (probably ½ hr), a boat loomed in the distance a boat was getting bigger and bigger. We could only see the splashes coming from the hull. My hat had floated when we went over.
I was using my hat as a paddle in my hand and it was going well. We waved our hats around and then the new boat turned and headed directly towards us. They picked us up and we went looking for the test boat.

Along the way, I asked how they knew to look for us. She told us that they were fishing away on a spot a few kms away and this ‘fugging lunatic was coming straight at us full noise”
The boss said to her hubby, geez I hope they turn soon. Then the boat went past them they could see there was no one on board so they started looking for the MOB,

After a short trip, we found the boat beached about 10 m out of the water up a mud beach.
They dropped us off with some water and headed back fishing.
‘Driver’ says sorry etc..
I said “oh that’s ok, it’s not your fault. Hang on, it was your fault” (just to make him feel good)

The tide was about an hr from dead low so we waited a few hrs for it to turn and give us some water under us.
Another boat came past and asked if we were ok. “Got any water” – they gave us a few litres and headed off. As they left they told us to keep away from water because there was a ‘fugging big croc’ just around the corner. He had smashed up their crab post and chased them while they were fishing, so they moved spots.

A few ph calls later (the phone was still on the boat along with all of the other safety gear) the dealer came to our rescue and we managed to skull drag the stranded boat back into the water.

Absolutely no damage to the hull because it was still on the plane when it hit the mud/sand. It just left a small keel mark up the sand. Small ding on the prop was all that was visible

Finally got the boat going again and got to do my test drive -After 5 hrs in the harbour
I was back on dry land.

In 30 odd years of boating, I've never worn a lanyard cut off but this was a wake up

[lookoutnw]

Originally Posted by T1 Terry

This one is cut and paste from another forum, it's boat related and good for a laugh, I left his name off for reasons that will become obvious as you read it.


I know boats, he says…..
I am in the market for a boat upgrade and have been looking around for a month or so.

I had looked at several boats and had a test drive of one. Today was my turn to test drive another new one as a comparison

To protect the innocent, the names have been changed.
All else is legit as it happened. Remember, I wasn’t driving



In 30 odd years of boating, I've never worn a lanyard cut off but this was a wake up

I got launched once from a Lazer II, on a lake luckily. I was solo. Lucky it was not too big of a lake. Back then too many fools like me didn't wear life jackets. Some are not around to talk about it though....

[David_Old_Jersey]

I Prayed This Morning

I'd been having a difficult time of it. Anguish, frustration, despair, grief. It was all getting on top of me.

A tear passed down my right cheek. I could no longer bare it, I clasped my hands, exasperated, and said, 'Please, God! Please!' as another tear popped out and followed the path of the first.

'Lord, I beg you, please!'

I then felt a sudden release. A relief ran through my body as if a weight had been lifted off me. I felt an elation, a euphoric joy. 'Thank you.' I gasped, 'Thank you.'

I slowly got up and turned around, wiping my brow.

There, the thickest, most solid looking log I have ever produced lay, heavily, at the bottom of the toilet bowl.

[delmarrey]

Oh boy!
Writings from off the dunny walls.

[Nikolina]

So a Jew, Hindu and a lawyer are riding in a cab. Of course it breaks down in front of a farm house. They ask the farmer if they can spend the night seeing how late it is. The farmer has no problem with that but only has enough extra beds for two (sorry no farmers daughter here) so someone will have to sleep in the barn. They draw straws, the Jew picks the short straw and heads to the barn. Twenty minutes later there's a knock at the door, its the Jew. "What's wrong" they ask? He replies " There's a pig in the barn its not kosher, I can't sleep in the barn". The Hindu says "I'll do it". so he heads for the barn. twenty minutes later there's a knock at the door, it's the Hindu. "What's wrong" they say. "There's a cow in the barn there sacred in my country, I can't sleep in the barn". "Okay I'll do it" says the lawyer. he heads for the barn. Twenty minutes later there's a knock at the door, it's the pig!

[Nikolina]

At Cabelas, a women wants to buy a fishing pole for her son. She takes one off the rack and heads to the counter. The clerk behind the counter is blind! She says I don't know if you can help me, I want to buy a fishing pole for my son but know nothing about fishing? He says put it on the counter, she lays the pole on the counter. The blind clerk picks it up feels it from one end to the other turns the reel and says "this is perfect for your son and it's only twenty dollars"
I'll take it, she pulls out her credit card and drops it on the floor, to which the clerks says "Oh master card". She bends over to pick it up and accidently passes the gas (farts). Thinking that the clerk won't notice because of other people walking by she hands him the card. He rings it up and says " that will be $34.50". She says "I thought you said it was twenty dollars". He replies "It is twenty dollars for the pole, 11.00 for the duck call and 3.50 for the bear repellant!"

[Nikolina]

This has to be said with your best Irish accent!

Paddy O'Brien just won the Irish lottery, oh the joy! Now accordin to Irish law you had to answer three question in front of a live audience before you could collect the money. Only havin ta get one answer right to win!

It was the big night Paddy all dressed in his finest. The announcer came out and introduced Paddy to the audience and explained the rules. "All right then Paddy are we ready ta play" Paddy nods his head. "First question Paddy" says the announcer. "There's a small plant, or a leaf if you will, that grows here in Ireland if you find one with four leaves on it it will bring you good luck, Paddy what is it called". The audience is silent, Paddy pauses for a moment, and says sternly "I DON'T KNOW"

"That's all right Paddy two more questions, second question, Paddy are you ready". Paddy again nods his head. The announcer says "Paddy in Ireland there's a famous stone, and it's said that if you can bend over backwards and kiss that stone it also will bring you luck. Paddy what is that stone called".
The audience was silent, Paddy pauses for a moment, and says while gritting his teeth "I DON'T KNOW".

The announcer says "It's Okay Paddy we have one more question Paddy and if you can answer this you will win the lottery' Paddy are you ready for the last question" Paddy again nods his head. "Paddy, here in Ireland, when we see a rainbow. At the end of that rainbow Paddy there's a pot. The pot is filled with somthin. Paddy, for the love of Saint Pete and all that is right what is the pot filled with?" Again the audience is quiet, Paddy pauses, squirms in his chair and while sitting on his hands and says with defiance through his teeth " I DON'T KNOW". At this point a man in the back stands up and yells "Thats right Paddy, don't tell em nothing"