The Joke Thread

[BandB]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

I've never run into a pretend valet thief, but I sure remember all of the times my wife couldn't remember where she parked her car in the huge parking lot. It's a good thing the horn honked and the lights flashed from 6 aisles over when she hit the alarm button.

Wifey B: Remember when the fast food joints were giving away all those stupid balls to put on your antenna? Then you'd just have to your car with the orange ball on the antenna. Well, except soon half the cars in the lot had them. My hubby forgets where we parked because he doesn't know all the entrances and stores. Like for me it's easy, we parked outside Macy's very near the entrance that takes you to the food court.

One time SUV's were easy until every other person had one of them. And a sports car you sure better remember because not like you'll ever be able to see it.

I think Vegas has had the most of the pretend valet's. That has to be sickening to go back, see no valet, step inside and ask and find out they don't have valet parking.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Tayana42

I find it easier to parallel park using a midships spring line.
S/V B'Shert

Wifey B: Cars need thrusters.

Or all four wheels that turn.

[BandB]

Wifey B: Walked into Denny's the other day. Hostess says, "for dinner?" I said, "no we're just here for the tour." Get a sign.

Wifey B: Walked into Best Buy and went over and started looking at the various televisions while looking around hoping a salesman would show up today. Salesman walks over, "Looking at tv's?" I said, "No, we're just seeing if you get the same channels we do at home." Get a sign.

We're walking along the beach one day and an older couple is approaching. The lady looks over and very politely asks, "Like the beach?" I replied, "No, we've been very bad and were sent her as punishment." Get a sign.

Ok, hubby really did this one. We're at a mall in Hialeah. As my hubby hands the beautiful young cashier his credit card on a quite sizable purchase, she asks him, "Can you identify yourself?" Without hesitation he asks "Do you have a mirror?" She pointed to the one on the wall. He walked over and looked in it, walked back and said, "Yep, that's me." All her co workers were breaking up and she didn't get it at all so he just handed her his driver's license. As we left, one of the other girls said, "I'll explain it to her."

And last, we were with one of our best friends Carmen the other day. We were at a fast food counter and it was obvious English was not a strength there so Carmen ordered in Spanish. The boy looks up at her, well perhaps with poor concentration as she could easily get a teen boy distracted from the task at hand. He says as he rings the order up, "Oh do you speak Spanish?" In her flirtiest, cutest and acting ditzy, she giggles and smiles back, "Oh, is that what that was?" Get a sign.

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by BandB

Wifey B: The popular thing in downtown renovation seems to be to eliminate it though. Either lots or widen and have pull in. I think they've figured out people can't park parallel. I admit downtown Charlotte had some. I've seen it, but fun to pull your chains. Still it's drastically reduced. I'm sure some in our area, just can't immediately think of it. So little on the street parking here of any kind. Lot's of valet parking. Of course then there are the pretend valet's who take your keys and car, never to be seen again.

Which area of paradise would that be?

It must really be paradise because only Heaven and Paradise could be parallel-parking-free.

[Therapy]

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered
champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I
am celebrating.'
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the
woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he
added: 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last
year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs
again.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become
fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!

[Therapy]

GREEK LEGAL SYSTEM - DIVORCE CASE HEARING!

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in

Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge
that since she had brought the children into this world,
She should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge
Asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair
and replied: "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending
machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to
me or to the machine?"

[Therapy]

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

[Therapy]

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Rhapsody-NS27]

Originally Posted by BandB

Wifey B: Walked into Best Buy and went over and started looking at the various televisions while looking around hoping a salesman would show up today. Salesman walks over, "Looking at tv's?" I said, "No, we're just seeing if you get the same channels we do at home." Get a sign.

I've actually been wanting to do this one to the salesmen for a long time. Or come up with some other comment when they come up asking "Can I help you?"

What's funny is when I go to Best Buy or Walmart and there's people asking about TV service. They try to start off by asking what carrier you currently have for service, but when I tell them I don't even have a TV, they get a surprised and confused look on their face and say, "Oh! Um... Ok" and walk off to their next target.

-----

I'm reminded of a joke, that's probably on an earlier page of a family who went to a pet store. The kids are looking at getting some rabbits and with the kids nearby asking one of the clerks if they know any good recipes for the rabbits or what would be the best seasoning. The look on the face of the kids would be priceless.

[Sailor g]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody-NS27

What's funny is when I go to Best Buy or Walmart and there's people asking about TV service. They try to start off by asking what carrier you currently have for service, but when I tell them I don't even have a TV, they get a surprised and confused look on their face and say, "Oh! Um... Ok" and walk off to their next target

That is so much fun. l love when callers call or I'm in a store and they ask about home improvements or home goods- then you tell them you don't have a house. Sometimes they push it and ask about a rental-so I finally say, "I don't live in a house". That really blows their minds.

[Sailor g]

Originally Posted by Therapy

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

LOL!!

[BandB]

Wifey B: Cop to hooker walking along the street. "Where are you headed?" Hooker: "Haven't decided. Did you have somewhere in mind?"

This one is typical for father and daughter. Father seeing beyond short skirt and low cut top asks sarcastically, "You don't think you're going out like that do you young lady?" Daughter: "Do you think I'm just parading around like this for you?" Get a sign

Or mother to daughter, "You're not going to school dressed like that are you?" Daughter: "Of course not mom. I'm cutting school and going on a date instead." Get a sign.

Mother to daughter with extremely short skirt. "Do you think anyone wants to see your .ss." Daughter, "Duh, yeah. Why do you think I'm wearing this." Get a sign.

Mother finds joint in daughter's room. "Were you planning on smoking this?" Daughter. "Of course not mom. I just brought it home thinking you'd like it." Get a sign.

Reporter to basketball player. "Have you always been tall?" Player stares back. "No. I was once only 21" tall." Get a sign.

We pulled into a parking lot and the attendant asks "Are you wanting to park?" My husband says, "No, we thought we'd just drive around in here a while." Get a sign.

Another time same question, My hubby asks, "Do you have any makeout parking zones"?

[El Pinguino]

"If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they'll have disappeared..."

[El Pinguino]

Originally Posted by Therapy

Which area of paradise would that be?

It must really be paradise because only Heaven and Paradise could be parallel-parking-free.

Parking? I just stop and get out........

[socaldmax]

As I have grown older.....I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Lance Armstrong.....I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Drive By.....A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!

The Agony of Aging. On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended.....I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his private part with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Video Scam.....Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute.....Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?"; "Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"