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Old 25-02-2014, 22:51   #3256
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Re: The Joke Thread

And in that spirit, I present one that one-ups the wordplay:



(Apologies for the embed fail)
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Old 26-02-2014, 06:29   #3257
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Re: The Joke Thread

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy had to say about Canadians during a recent appearance at Caesars in Windsor:

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from
September through May,
> You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
> You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
> You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,
> You may live in Canada .

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere
South of Detroit for the weekend,
> You may live in Canada .

If you measure distance in hours,
> You may live in Canada .

If you know several people
Who have hit a deer more than once,
> You may live in Canada .

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C'
In the same day and back again,
> You may live in Canada .

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow
During a raging blizzard without flinching,
> You may live in Canada .

If you install security lights on your house and garage,
But leave both unlocked,
> You may live in Canada .

If you carry jumper cables in your car
And your wife knows how to use them,
> You may live in Canada .


If you design your kid's Halloween costume
To fit over a snowsuit,
> You may live in Canada .

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km --
You're going 95 and everybody is passing you,
> You may live in Canada .

If driving is better in the winter
Because the potholes are filled with snow,
> You may live in Canada .

If you know all 4 seasons:
Almost winter, winter, still winter,
and road construction,
> You may live in Canada .

If you have more miles
On your snow blower than your car,
> You may live in Canada .

If you find -2 degrees 'a little chilly',
> You may live in Canada .

If you actually understand these jokes,
and forward them to all your friends,

> you definitely are Canadian and proud to be.
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Old 26-02-2014, 07:24   #3258
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Re: The Joke Thread

You could say the same things about Alaskans Gord. Of course we are just your northern cousins, we aren't really Americans.
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Old 26-02-2014, 09:28   #3259
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man cries & groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have new plastic surgery technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. They cost roughly $1000.00 an inch."

Then the man smiles & perks up!

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out; & if you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man again smiles, & agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops in the kitchen."
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Old 28-02-2014, 11:30   #3260
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Re: The Joke Thread

For all of my grammatically correct friends ...

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.”

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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Old 28-02-2014, 15:34   #3261
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Re: The Joke Thread

Subject: Mistakes Happen
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
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Old 28-02-2014, 15:42   #3262
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Re: The Joke Thread

Sitting in the club the other day and overheard a couple of other blokes saying they would not feel safe flying in a plane if the pilot was a female.

What a pair of sexists I thought, It's not as if she would have to reverse the thing

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Old 28-02-2014, 15:46   #3263
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Re: The Joke Thread

A jet is making its final approach to St. John's Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into St. John's Newfoundland. I want to thank you all for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the "ROCK".


He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.


The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Rock?' 'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap, then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'


Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.


Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.


The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.....He's gotta land the plane and take a **** first.

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Old 28-02-2014, 15:50   #3264
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Re: The Joke Thread

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.”

“Now ... We have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!


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Old 28-02-2014, 15:51   #3265
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Doctor told me that SEX was the best way to lose weight.
I said look Doc,I don't think 2 minutes every 3 months is gunna shift this.

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Old 28-02-2014, 15:52   #3266
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Re: The Joke Thread

"Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"















She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

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Old 28-02-2014, 15:53   #3267
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Re: The Joke Thread

Paddy weighs 20 stone so doctor puts him on a diet....

I want you to eat normal for two days then skip a day...eat for two days and skip a day...continue this for two weeks then come back, you should have lost 5lb.

When Paddy returned the doctor was shocked as Paddy was 4stones lighter....'thats amazing ' said the doc, 'tell you be Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day... 'What from the hunger? asked the Doc...................

no....paddy replied....from the ****in skipping


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Old 28-02-2014, 15:54   #3268
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Re: The Joke Thread

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman sitting in a pub.
The Scotsman says "are'nt women stupid my wife just bought a car and she can't even drive"
thats nothing says the Englishman "my wife's on a diet and she's not even fat"
thats nowt says Irishman "my wife's taken 30 condoms to Ibiza and she hasn't even got a ****!


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Old 28-02-2014, 15:56   #3269
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Re: The Joke Thread

I love Ebay, it's brilliant.

Just sold my homing pigeon for the eighth time this month...

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Old 28-02-2014, 15:59   #3270
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Re: The Joke Thread

Paddy called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest" Paddy said, "But that would explain the suitcase!!"


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