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Old 07-10-2014, 18:48   #4006
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Originally Posted by svmariane


(Original authorship for this "report" is under dispute.)

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

A final thought -“Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.
I've heard it before, but a good one. Shouldn't there be one about us Yanks blowing **** up? We are pretty good at it.
Let's ban together to ban sillycone....
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Old 07-10-2014, 21:11   #4007
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Re: The Joke Thread

A traveling salesman's car breaks down on a lonely country road, a little farmhouse in the distance the only sign of civilization. He makes for the house and sees a light on - so he knocks on the door. The middle aged farmer opens the door and the salesman explains his dilemma. The farmer invites the salesman in and introduces him to his drop dead gorgeous young wife. The farmer apologizes to the salesman explaining that the barn is too full and the other rooms are full of chickens so the only place for the salesman to sleep is in the bed with the farmer and his wife. No protests change the mind of the farmer.

The 3 settle down for the nite but not for long. Not long after the farmer starts snoring the young wife nudges the salesman and says, "hey, let's get it on". The salesman declines but the wife if cute as a bugs ear and won't take no for an answer. She finally says - "I'll pluck a hair off his ass, if he doesn't wake up the coast is clear. And so it goes. Not long after they are done, the woman starts in again with the salesman. He demurs but she persists. Another hair is plucked off the farmer's ass. And so it goes.

This goes on more times that nite than the salesman can remember. It was a blur of unimaginable coital bliss.

In the morning, sitting at the breakfast table, the farmer asks the salesman casually, "so, how was she?". The salesman is terrified thinking he's gonna get shot, or worse. He stammered some bland answer hoping the farmer wouldn't press. The farmer sighed and said, "look, I don't mind when it happens, I just would prefer if she didn't keep count on my ass!".
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
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Old 07-10-2014, 21:12   #4008
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Re: The Joke Thread

Doesn't that John Cleese story belong on the silly walk stream?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
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Old 09-10-2014, 09:39   #4009
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Re: The Joke Thread

I know it is tough looking for a new job.. but could not resist. Actual quotes I found today on a crew available web site with my smart remarks

Even though I grew up in Miami, my passion is traveling and experiencing different cultures.
Didn’t know Miamians were such homebodies.
i live in Edmonton so you can see why i would love to get out and see the world!!
Yes I heard Edmonton was boring.
I have 3 years experience in the buzzing world of Hospitality.
Bee hive hotels?
never drank irishman (rare specimen)
I am currently in Dominica, but tryinig to find a boat out of here ASAP
I have been to Dominica, I know the feeling
I have been sailing since I was 3 years old
That is pretty young even for dinghy sailing.
At the age of 9 I was given the choice to take either swim lessons or piano lessons. I could only take one. I chose the water.
That is good, when we bought our sailboat, first thing we did was get rid of the piano in the saloon.
I learned to swim before I could walk
Considering the state of our bilge pumps, that could come in handy
my main interest has been with sailing both cursing and racing.
You are the man I want to hire. Sometimes while racing, words just fail me and you could be a big help.
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Old 09-10-2014, 11:07   #4010
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Re: The Joke Thread

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560
monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of
course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake
with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle.

They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to
make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for
the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look
like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going
to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite
with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take
into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the
ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new
Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the
ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke
with the resulting blast.

They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a
couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and
the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used
for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on
the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second
fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave
their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps
coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The
shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black
Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on.
Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really
confused, and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have
gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.
----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the
bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots
standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on
their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by
illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the
first of those $560 a month payments!

And you thought your day was not going well?
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Old 09-10-2014, 19:54   #4011
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Re: The Joke Thread

You forgot to add the part where when the guys wife finds out what happened to the dog she leaves him, and thus the first country Singer was made...

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Old 10-10-2014, 16:10   #4012
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Re: The Joke Thread

If you want to read the original of this story, see Henry Lawson's 'The Loaded Dog', an Australian story from the 1880's.
Henry Lawson - the Loaded Dog. Australia - Down Under. All things Aussie & Doggy, Australian culture and strine

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Old 11-10-2014, 09:43   #4013
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Re: The Joke Thread

Another Dream Shattered

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Faithful are the Wounds of a Friend, but the Kisses of the Enemy are Deceitful! ........
The measure of a man is how he navigates to a proper shore in the mist of a storm!
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Old 11-10-2014, 10:48   #4014
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Re: The Joke Thread (Dem coonass duck dog)

Mais, my gran'pere is a pretty good duck hunter him, and gots a pretty good dog... One day dem banker feller what own his house, he say come on lets go hunt some duck.

Me gran'pere ain't got get hit up side o' de head wit' a wet mop, so he tell dem banker feller... you come on by de house zero dark thirty an' we go hunt some duck.

Dem banker feller show up, dey up load de pirogue, an my gran'pere say let's go. Dem banker feller he say... Where dem dog? Me gran'pere say.. Oh, we don' need dem dog. Dem banker feller say... Get dem dog you. So me gran'pere whistle up dem dog... PHYDEAUX! (I said he was a coon ass duck dog) gettin de truck.

Dey get out de bayou, and shoot em up a couple o' duck. Gran'pere he say... Phydeaux, go get dem duck.

Phydeaux he run cross de top de water... plip, plop, plip, plop, pick up dem ducks, run back cross de top o' de water, an jump inna boat.

Dem Banker feller don't say nuttin.

Dey shoot up a few more duck and send Phydeaux out again. Same jus' like before... Plip, plop, cross top o' dem water, and den plip, plop, back cross top o' dat water an jump in de boat.

Dem banker feller say... I didn't say nothin before, cause I thought it was a damn lie. Dat dog jump out de boat, run cross de top o' de water, run back cross de top o' de water an jump in de boat... HUH?

Me gran'pere say... Yeah, an dat' embarrass me more dan I can say.

Never could teach dat dog to swim.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time"
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Old 14-10-2014, 01:09   #4015
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Re: The Joke Thread

When somebody told me that I was delusional, I almost fell off of my unicorn.
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Old 14-10-2014, 06:09   #4016
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Re: The Joke Thread

For those that don't know about history . Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservative provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

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Old 14-10-2014, 06:14   #4017
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Angry Re: The Joke Thread

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim jihadist
fall into the Rio Grande River; he was struggling to stay afloat because of
all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat
because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and
abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County
Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think that I completely wasted two stamps...

"I love this country, it's the government I'm afraid of."
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Old 14-10-2014, 06:19   #4018
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Re: The Joke Thread

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And me......, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F----ng Mexican' !
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Old 14-10-2014, 08:09   #4019
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Re: The Joke Thread

Everybody got to have someone to pick on.... Being a "coon-ass" me, I like to pick on the Nova Scotian's.

Havin' a beer in a pub on Roberts Island (Nova Scotia) one day and I run in to dis feller way down in de dumps... I offer a beer, an ask "Comment ca vas?" (How you doin'?)

He point out de window at de houses up on dat hill an say, " See dem houses? I build half dem houses. Dey call me Doucette de house builder? .... NO!"

He point out de window again at all de dock on de bay. "See dem docks? I build most all dem dock. Dey call me Doucette de dock builder? ... NO!"

He point out de window one more time. "See all dem boats on dem docks. I build at least 20 dem boat. Dey call me Doucette de boat builder? ... NO!"

(Wait for it)

"But you f---k one goat!"
"It seemed like a good idea at the time"
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Old 14-10-2014, 12:48   #4020
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Re: The Joke Thread

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger.

The irony is that the BBC received not one complaint.
The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read......

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.
She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.
Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on
both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

When somebody told me that I was delusional, I almost fell off of my unicorn.
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