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Old 26-01-2014, 15:41   #3136
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Re: The Joke Thread

Me too, I actually gave up.

Coops.
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Old 26-01-2014, 16:02   #3137
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by glenn.225 View Post
This will keep your mind sharp for math.

The problem with time and timezones. [VIDEO]

So how does a gps know the time????
Oh wow - thanks for sharing lol!

I'm a bit of a rant afficianado I guess you could say, and that's the best rant I've heard in quite some time!

Cheers for that!
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Old 26-01-2014, 23:56   #3138
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"The Golden Years!"

Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys.

They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all.

"Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your bloody car."

This is what they call, " The Golden Years!"

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Old 27-01-2014, 07:04   #3139
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Re: The Joke Thread

This is totally unrelated to yachting, but then again... I know a number of yacht owners that can relate to this.

The International Sign for Marriage...
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Old 27-01-2014, 07:28   #3140
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Re: The Joke Thread

Marriage in the wild
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Old 27-01-2014, 09:06   #3141
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Re: The Joke Thread

Ok, "GO BOATING NOW" as a female CPA, that is just rude.
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Old 27-01-2014, 09:07   #3142
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Re: The Joke Thread

"Motion 30" I like it -- that is soo true.
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Old 27-01-2014, 09:27   #3143
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Re: The Joke Thread

She got the kids, the house, the lawnmower, and the car....

All I got was the boat

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Old 28-01-2014, 02:01   #3144
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by capt-couillon View Post
She got the kids, the house, the lawnmower, and the car....

All I got was the boat

You must had a great lawyer, since you got all the good stuff
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Old 28-01-2014, 08:05   #3145
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by capt-couillon View Post
She got the kids, the house, the lawnmower, and the car....

All I got was the boat

Dodged a bullet on that one, she got the lawnmower.
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Old 28-01-2014, 08:53   #3146
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Re: "The Golden Years!"

Quote:
Originally Posted by kjames View Post
Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys.

They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all.

"Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your bloody car."

This is what they call, " The Golden Years!"

Something similar to this happen with my wife. We have a Camry and Tacoma. She normally was driving the truck to work b/c of the gas milage (shorter distance). One day she took the car b/c I needed the truck. She stopped to get some food on the way home. When she came out she couldn't find the truck and got frantic and went back in the store. The store employees called the police. When they arrived she realized she was driving the Camry.
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Old 28-01-2014, 09:15   #3147
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Re: The Joke Thread

Hey, I can hide my own Easter eggs!
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Old 28-01-2014, 09:23   #3148
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Re: "The Golden Years!"

Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
Something similar to this happen with my wife. We have a Camry and Tacoma. She normally was driving the truck to work b/c of the gas milage (shorter distance). One day she took the car b/c I needed the truck. She stopped to get some food on the way home. When she came out she couldn't find the truck and got frantic and went back in the store. The store employees called the police. When they arrived she realized she was driving the Camry.
Now that's funny!!!!!!
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Old 28-01-2014, 12:56   #3149
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Re: The Joke Thread

Here's something to think about.


I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-five).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...



He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a siht?
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Old 28-01-2014, 14:54   #3150
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Re: The Joke Thread

They're Back!
Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with computers. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility..
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
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