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Old 12-01-2014, 08:32   #3046
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Re: The Joke Thread

I was tearing up by the end... gawd I love being an Aussie.
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Old 12-01-2014, 08:54   #3047
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Re: The Joke Thread

Wait, you forgot to mention that other Australian province... Whats it called... oh yes New Zealand.
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Old 12-01-2014, 09:20   #3048
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by shorebird View Post
Wait, you forgot to mention that other Australian province... Whats it called... oh yes New Zealand.
Given they're 1500 miles apart , it always amuses me people think they're next door or something

Dave
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Old 12-01-2014, 09:48   #3049
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by goboatingnow View Post
Given they're 1500 miles apart , it always amuses me people think they're next door or something

Dave

So...slightly less than the distance from say, New York to Denver....
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Old 12-01-2014, 10:25   #3050
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Re: The Joke Thread

Closer than Hawaii.
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Old 12-01-2014, 11:43   #3051
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Re: The Joke Thread

Harry the eagle


One day, Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. Since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is .......... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....



NO, The duck didn't say THAT!



..Don't be SO disgusting!



The duck said....

'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MITHTAKE!!

T1 Terry
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Old 13-01-2014, 16:54   #3052
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Re: The Joke Thread

Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit panel van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the aerial antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Fiona, more than a little embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits, "Yes, I did."

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.

T1 Terry
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Old 13-01-2014, 17:20   #3053
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by T1 Terry View Post
Know as Butter face around these parts.
A top body, but her face

Miss Broadacre
Bodies not bad but packing 2 arses

2 bagger
Would require 2 paper bags over her head, just in case one broke

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Onion girl:
You are crying while she is stripping off...
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Old 13-01-2014, 23:29   #3054
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Re: The Joke Thread

Some of these seem a little too true

It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.


You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.


We have enough "youth".
How about a fountain of "smart"?



The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.


A Fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party


When blondes have more fun,do they know it?


Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.


LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL


Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.


Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.


If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you


Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.


We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.


Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.


Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.


Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.


Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi


ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.


The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population


"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in and first he is green,
then he turns yellow
and then he goes rotten."


"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
identify their corporate sponsors."


The reason Politicians try so
hard to get re-elected is that they
would 'hate' to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.

T1 Terry
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Old 14-01-2014, 10:34   #3055
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by ontherocks83 View Post
Sorry not to be a nerd but a 1911 only carries 7 rounds in a magazine and its a magazine not a clip. Funny joke though I'm definitely going to use that one next time I'm at the range
7 in the mag, one in the chamber
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Old 14-01-2014, 17:06   #3056
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by goboatingnow View Post
Given they're 1500 miles apart , it always amuses me people think they're next door or something

Dave
you should get more. for me it's a 400 mile round trip to the nearest boat toy shop so yes, 1500 miles is just next door .
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Old 14-01-2014, 20:21   #3057
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Re: The Joke Thread

^^^^^

We once met someone who thought the Auckland Harbor Bridge goes from Auckland to Sydney. Geographically uninformed Yank, it was.

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Old 14-01-2014, 21:21   #3058
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Re: The Joke Thread

An easy mistake to make.... after all Sydney is also known as West Auckland....

My previous should have read
Quote:
Originally Posted by El Pinguino View Post
you should get *out* more.
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Old 14-01-2014, 22:55   #3059
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Re: The Joke Thread

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?” She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "6." The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
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Old 15-01-2014, 09:02   #3060
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Re: The Joke Thread

Possibly a repeat, but I found it worth reading again:

∑ I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

∑ When chemists die, they barium.

∑ Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

∑ A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
is now a seasoned veteran.

∑ How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

∑ I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.

∑ This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian
club but I'd never met herbivore.

∑ I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

∑ I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.

∑ They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

∑ This dyslexic man walks into a bra.

∑ PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

∑ I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

∑ A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't
control her pupils.

∑ When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

∑ What does a clock do when it's hungry?
It goes back four seconds.

∑ I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me!

∑ Broken pencils are pointless.

∑ What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive
vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a
Liverpool.

∑ I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

∑ I dropped out of communism class because of lousy
Marx.

∑ All the toilets in London police stations have been
stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

∑ I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

∑ Velcro - what a rip off!

∑ Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
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