Another post about relationships...

[SVTwilight]

Congratulations on being 25 and already being able to live aboard on your own boat! There are people on this forum that are three times your age and still trying to figure out how to do that!

You have conquered the hardest part, so relax and enjoy. The rest will come.

:-)

[a64pilot]

Maybe it's just my age, but I can't conceive of dating a Woman because she has a boat, or nice car or whatever.
I can conceive of not dating one cause she comes with kids or large debt etc.

[AmericanVagrant]

In the past I have been suspicious of motives, and from time to time that is still the case. But honestly, it's no way to live. I do my best to take people at the value of their actions, though without fail my own creeping insecurities and curiosity have me conjuring ideas about the social metaphysical.

I'm a live and let live kinda guy, if people take advantage of me for my boat then well, I suppose they must have a compelling reason to do so and frankly, I hope it makes them happy. I can neither control nor reliably detect what motivates a given individual - so I'll just keep on making decisions for myself (such as sailing with guests), and assume they're doing the same for themselves.

[redhead]

Hello! Fellow sailor of the female persuasion here. In my experience there are two types of people drawn to sailboat in general (and it's not gender specific)

A)The type who look at pictures in magazines or in movies of million dollar boats floating in gin clear water and can [U]absolutely[U]see themselves doing that.

B)The type who is drawn to the sea and will absolutely make any compromise necessary to get out there - perhaps a small boat, perhaps some discomfort, no mega buck jobs, budget to stay within the limits of a pension.

C) The type who have been incredibly lucky, either in life or career and have enough to go first class and absolutelyrealize how lucky they are.

Of course (disclaimer coming) there are exceptions to each and I have met many.
Not looking to hijack the thread here, just laying my base line.

There are probably 15 out of the 50 liveabaord boats here with singles on them. As far as I know only one is female. She keeps a very low profile but seems happy and friendly but not attached. I don't know her well enough to ask. A lot of the single men keep migrating to my boat because my husband is very sociable and I cook well. I can tell you that 100% of them are in the same boat as you. They don't trust the motives of the women they meet. Either they want that glossy magazine cruise, or they're looking for an adventure and then return to their "real" lives, houses, bathtubs, whatever. Or they're looking for someone to fall in love with and then wean them away from the boat back to a land life. Over and over. Many of them are pretty cynical.

I think if I were single I would mainly socialize with sailors. I do as part of a couple anyway. Women who truly love boats are as rare as hens' teeth and any single sailor, worth his salt, will gravitate toward said single sailor chick. Like any passion it draws us together. We are off the grid in so many ways, including the normal ways to meet other singles that understand what it is we're doing. When a woman who loves boats arrives at our marina, the smoke signals start rising and the smell of testosterone is in the air.

I think that just by asking the question you're aware of the pitfalls, but there are a ton of good people out there. Although it may be hard try not to paint everyone with the same brush.

Good luck.

[Juho]

Take your suitors out to the sea when the weather is not expected to be the best possible. If you enjoy their company still after one or two challenging days at sea, they might be good company also for a longer period. That's a good and tested old trick.

[alctel]

Living on a boat is definitely a boon to dating, in my experience. I'm not sure what that other guy was talking about.

In my life I've always been lucky enough to attract the type of women who like that sort of thing, and are adventurous. Perhaps permanently looking like I just fell out of a hedge helps in that respect!

In the end though, it really comes down to who you are as a person. Everything else is just frills.

edit: I will say one thing - I have trouble figuring out how I am eventually going to 'settle down'. I like my own space too much, and Gudge is so much 'my' space - so much of my energy, blood and time is in it, that I'm worried that if I ever find someone to live with then she'll/I will never consider it 'our boat', it'll always be 'my boat'. I guess the only answer to that is to get a new boat, but I'm rather attached to mine!

Problems for the future I guess.

[daw_two]

I wonder if there's enough demand for a sailor's dating forum.

I'm a new sailor "live on-board want to be" who has been single for about 4 years. My youngest daughter is 12. Due to co-parenting and my current location I realize I won't be living on-board for at least 6 years. Yes, I have put the 6 year plan into play.

I tell all my perspective dates that I hope to be living on a small sailboat in 6 years. You would be surprised what that does to the perspective dates. HA!

So. Is there a need for a sailor's dating forum?


PS --- I know of at least 4 women who would live on a sailboat with me.

[Sea Dreaming]

Don't get ahead of yourself! Right now you are expressing fears but perhaps not reality.

No matter what relationship you desire, plutonic or romantic, there is always time to take time to get to know someone before making emotional commitments.

Spend time with people who interest you but maintain a little distance. As you get to know them they will reveal their motivations. Dont be quick to jump in. Just leave a little room to figure them out.
When someone is just seeking your stuff its usual pretty obvious in a few weeks. No need to decide immediately is someone is trust worthy...they will earn your trust with their actions. If they prove to not be trust worthy, they are not right for you. Be confident in your assessment and let them go without guilt.

Its no harder to meet people now than it was in grade school but adults are more discerning in their company. Your own standards will dictate how much you are willing to put up with for company. Choose wisely. Realize that its ok to be alone for a bit that tangle with anyone who does not have your best interest at heart.

[Dougtiff]

Being a single Male, I have experienced that a relationship ends when I announce that I am going to go cruising, even though I invite my partner to join me, I'm in my 70,S and mostly date Women in their 60,S, who are retired, etc.. and have time to join me, but seem tied down with homes, grand children, etc.., realize I'm not alone [look at all the single Men cruising single handed].

[Shrew]

We're in an time where many, many people your age are still living at home or heavily dependent on their parents financially. Owning your own boat is huge compared to your peers who can't even afford to own their own phone.

Living aboard a boat as a single 20 something lady speaks volumes about your personality. These are aspects of YOU not your boat that are intriguing. Don't confuse what piques interest when you mention boat.

If you're REALLY, unsure, then don't mention the boat and arrange to socialize with people in common area away from the boat.

[a64pilot]

Originally Posted by Shrew

We're in an time where many, many people your age are still living at home or heavily dependent on their parents financially. Owning your own boat is huge compared to your peers who can't even afford to own their own phone.

I hadn't thought about that, but suppose it's true. I've always thought the prevailing thought of people living aboard by the average non boat owner, "what, you can't afford a house?" I know it is for my age group
I believe there are more 30 yr olds living with their Parents now than at any time since before WWII.
I believe the number was higher in 1940 and 1941, but that changed quickly after Dec.

[gamayun]

Originally Posted by Juho

Take your suitors out to the sea when the weather is not expected to be the best possible. If you enjoy their company still after one or two challenging days at sea, they might be good company also for a longer period. That's a good and tested old trick.

Tried and true

[SV Sailfish]

Originally Posted by hamburking

My wife told me to sell my boat last fall. Then she left me. Now I've got no boat and no wife. I think she wanted me to sell the boat to make me less attractive to other women. Or maybe she just didn't want me to have any fun. Who knows. My life is in the toilet now.

I am facing the direction of Kingston, Ontario, have removed my cap and am bowing my head in a moment of silence. I feel your pain brother, yes I do.

Because I married your wife's twin sister.

[barnakiel]

Simply never tell anyone you have a boat. Build new relationships on a neutral ground. Join a welding course. Guys and girls in the course will be rather indifferent to the welding rod you are wielding and the mask you are wearing.

If you are 25 and very attractive, they are likely into you. Why would anyone care about a boat???

Except maybe if you have one of those new 100'+ Oysters.

Cheers,
b.

[JPA Cate]

Originally Posted by beatlebug

I know there was a post a little while ago about not being able to date because they found their social life was hindered by being on a boat and they couldn't find people to be okay with that lifestyle. I feel weird about this because I feel like for me it is the opposite. I feel like I am less trusting of guys because once they know I have a boat, I feel like they use me for it. Not necessarily just guys, but sometimes friends, female and male alike. I am 25, so maybe it is just my age group not being used to the awesomeness of having a boat...

Or a partner for that matter... I don't move around that much, I am a 'home-base' kind of live aboard. Maybe as I grow older I am becoming morning cynical of other. Idk. Thoughts?

Hi, there, BB, long lasting, fulfilling relationships require maintenance and input of energy from both partners when life offers challenges. They are not "happily ever after."

I feel like I am less trusting of guys because once they know I have a boat, I feel like they use me for it.

The way out of this dilemma is to pinpoint how you let yourself be used. As mentioned above, it might be something as simple as not setting limits. Another aspect to consider is what factors within you (how you developed, what your experiences have been) make you vulnerable to being used. Maybe someone else's expectations for you are also at play.

but how can you tell if people are more into you than into the idea that they have a friend with a boat?

The way I used to do that is to see whether they're hitting on me 'cause they're horny, or if they enjoy my company. Look for ones who sincerely put you first. Real friends come help at haulout time, not offer excuses. Remember, you set the stage, you set the limits.

If you like taking folks sailing, what Juho said, the ones who come back after being frightened or cold, those ones are possibly good value, too.

Finally, yet another comment: you have the boat, but is it what you really want? 'Cause part of me doesn't get it that you just don't take it out and enjoy it, without others, if others present a problem.

Life is for enjoying, during the living of it.

Ann, long term cruiser