Jokes

[Dave the Canuck]

[GordMay]

A large American hospital planned to buy up a number of medical practices. As their existing legal staff was already quite busy dealing with lawsuits, the hospital decided to hire a new lawyer to handle the contracts with the medical practices. The top hospital administrator decided to interview some young lawyers.
"I am sure that you are aware that our hospital has acquired a considerable reputation regarding the integrity of its dealings with our physicians." the administrator began with one of the first applicants, "We require that special person whose integrity matches that of our venerable institution. " He leaned close to the young lawyer, "Mr. Harper, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the young applicant, "My life is the definition of the word honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my parents lent me thirty thousand dollars for law school, and I paid back every last cent the minute I tried my very first case."
"I'm impressed. What sort of case was it?"
The lawyer looked down at his shoes and admitted, "They sued me for the money." The administrator smiled and said, "You'll fit right in here--You're hired."

[Dick Pluta]

It was a very busy day at the Pearly Gates and poor Saint Peter was almost worn out from all the work of greeting newcomers to Heaven. Jesus wandered by and, taking pity on the poor fellow He said "Pete, you look like you could use a break. Why don't you go and get a cup of coffee. I'll cover the Gates for a while". The first person to arrive was a very confused looking, very old man. Jesus said "Welcome to Heaven, my friend. We just have a few questions for you before we issue your robe and cloud. What's your name?". The old man replied "Well, I'm not sure it would translate very well, but in English, I think you would call me Joseph". Jesus smiled and said "Well, Joe. Welcome to Heaven. It's good to meet you. You know, Joseph is one of my favorite names. I've got a soft spot for guys named Joe. What did you do for a living?". The old man thought for a while and replied "Well, it's been a while and I don't remember things so well, but I think I worked with my hands, maybe something with wood.". This really got Jesus' attention and he asked " Well Joe, were you married? Did you have a family?". The old man replied "Well, I was married and I had a son, but he really wasn't my son." Jesus looked at the old man for a long time and, finally said "Father?". The old man looked back, for a very long time and replied "Pinnochio?".

Dick PLuta
AEGEA

[KCee]

In quantum mechanics, the Heisenberg uncertainty principle states by precise inequalities that certain pairs of physical properties, like position and momentum, cannot simultaneously be known to arbitrary precision. That is, the more precisely one property is known, the less precisely the other can be known. In other words, the more you know the position of a particle, the less you know about its velocity, and the more you know about the velocity of a particle, the less you know about its instantaneous position.

[osirissail]

I thought that uncertainty thing had to do with a cat in a box . . . or was that Pandora's.

[fishwife]

The cat is alive, or is it?

[Mariness]

Pandora let the cat out of the box.
Schroedinger locked it in.
Never much cared for Schroedinger, personally...

[mintyspilot]

Originally Posted by osirissail

I thought that uncertainty thing had to do with a cat in a box . . . or was that Pandora's.

That was schrodinger's cat

Schrödinger's cat - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[FrankZ]

One of my favorite bumper stickers in a physics lab:

Heisenberg may have slept here.

[GordMay]

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop.
The cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am."

[Wonderinlost]

So my lady wanted 9 inches last night and to make it hurt. So I tagged her 3 times and knocked her over the head......

[Jaden44]

The blind man's interview.
A female TV interviewer asked a blind man from the live audience TV show, if he had always been blind.
The man explained that he had been born fully sighted but had lost his sight because of unfortunate accidents. “Go on” said the interviewer.
“Well I lost my right eye when I was nine when a friend shot me in the eye with an arrow while we were playing Indians”
“and I lost my left eye when I was sixteen when another friend shot me in that eye with a BB gun”
“That’s tragic” said the interviewer.
“Yes – I seem to have bad luck all my life” said the blind man. “Only last month I lost four fingers off my right hand when I had an accident with an electric circular saw “
“But what’s a blind man doing using a electric circular saw???” exclaimed the interviewer.
Oh, I wasn’t using the saw. -- I was just holding the wood and my wife cut them off” !!!!

[Irish rambler]

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.

It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
The cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered awhile this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were totally dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a very wise Vet," they said. "How on earth did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a far-away distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Scotland"

[avb3]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy.*
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.*
He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave or convert.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Bernie to represent them in the debate.*
However, as Bernie spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish; they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Bernie sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.*

Rabbi Bernie looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Bernie pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Bernie pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Bernie was too clever and that the Jews could stay in Italy.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.*
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.*

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.*
He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.*
I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.*
The Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.*
He had me beaten at my every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Bernie.
"How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Bernie.*
"First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger!
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Bernie. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

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[captain58sailin]

Too funny!