This Just In !!!

[Sailormann]

(Boca Bay - Guadeloupe) Researchers at the University of Florida released the results of a ground-shaking (literally) study today. They believe they have definitively answered the question "Is it better to sail a monohull or a multihull ?"

The academics - a group comprising 3 sports medicine experts, a bio-chemist, 2 nutritionists and a kinesiologist - studied a group of 631 people who spent large parts of their lives on sailboats. Of this group 312 sailed monohull boats, and the remaining 318 people were owners or crewmembers on various catamarans and trimarans.

The study subjects were weighed and screened for psychological suitability. In addition, those who self-identified as members of the multihull group were assessed to ensure they possessed sufficient reasoning and spatial theorem processing capability to understand what they were doing.

Diet and types / frequencies of physical exercise were tightly managed by research support workers, for a period of three years, while the sailors went about their normal sailing activities. Regular exertions required to sail and live aboard the various craft were not restricted, and participants were encouraged to conduct themselves as if they were not under observation.

After the three year test period was completed, the following raw data was obtained:

For the group of 312 Monohull sailors: average body-weight had declined slightly, limbs were trimmer and more lithe and supple, teeth were better, smiles were brighter and a General IQ test revealed an average increase in score of 13 points. Individual data was above the average save for one subject who badly skewed the data. Her weight gain had been in excess of 140 lbs and her levels of mental acuity had declined to the rough equivalency of a thirteen year old Arkansan native. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that this individual had in fact become enamored of a certain multi-hull skipper, and had been covertly joining him for extended periods.

For the group of 318 Multihull sailors: 47 were not measureable, as their bipolar craft had suffered severe cases of bickering and fighting by the opposing hulls, and in each case, the hulls both got into extreme tiffs and headed off in separate directions. Sporadic reports of dazed Americans sitting astride slender hulls of questionable buoyancy continue to arrive from all parts of the globe.

A further 11 participants had perished horribly, as their flimsy rafts were flipped and pitchpoled in heavy weather, trapping their semi-sensate crew just inches from pure, clean air.

The remainder, a total of 260 people were found to be either extremely corpulent, or radically malnourished. Analysis reveals that the obese had stockpiled as much food as their limited buyoancy would allow, and then, after taking on water in addition to stores, had refused to leave the dock when they saw how low in the water their craft were sitting.

Rather, they prefered to sit in the slip, sipping endless high-calorie Pina Coladas and barbecuing high-fat pieces of questionable flesh, prior to slathering it with processed condiments and wrapping it in between "guaranteed soft and tender" pieces of white bread before they stuffed it into their gaping craws.

Their proximity to the nearest Winn Dixie ensured a constant supply of bad meat, chemical drink mixes and odoriferous sunbolck.

Malnourishment had set in for the balance - brave, yet far more foolhardy folk who had actually departed from the jetty. Unable to carry sufficient provision without saying auf weidersehn to the waterline, they had basically starved at sea while making vain attempts to release their boats from irons, and then compounding the problem by attempting to sail close on the wind in a desperate race for provender.

The US Department In Charge of Stating the Obvious has announced a new campaign targeting sailors and their associated cohorts. Tentatively titled "Friends Don't Let Friends Sail Multi's" they will be blanketing the ariwaves and printed pages with gripping, terrifying images of the results of "Multihull Madness", in an attempt to stamp out this dangerous pastime.

Indications are that the capaign will be particularly concentrated in areas such as Florida and Texas, where a large number of people with new money and old bodies tend to congregate.

The Governments of China and India however, have enthusiastically welcomed the publication of the research findings. "This could serve as a key component of our unending battle against the spectre of overpopulation" said a highly-placed member of the Chinese cabinet.

"Just think, the state could provide each of our less productive citizens with a genuine, Lagoon 36 knock-off and achieve great populairty and a thinning of the undesirables in one stroke"

Indian officials were more recalcitrant, refusing to speak on the record, however it is likely that they believe the Indian Ocean could be a definite asset were they to institute a program similar to China's.

[senormechanico]

Do I detect a hint of jealousy?



Steve B.
Former mono guy, now
Dragonfly 1000 owner

[44'cruisingcat]

So many big words - well done.

[Lodesman]

They only seem like big words because he's added syllables - take "ariwaves" for example

[N.M.I.ke]

I love unintentional irony.

Originally Posted by Sailormann

The academics ... studied a group of 631 people who spent large parts of their lives on sailboats. Of this group 312 sailed monohull boats, and the remaining 318 people were owners or crewmembers on various catamarans and trimarans.

If you're going to post something that insults the intelligence of people, you should at least make sure your numbers add up (or subtract down, as the case may be....)

Although I went to public school, last time I checked, if you started with 631 and subtracted out the 312 so called "smart" monohullers, you would end up with 319.

But what do I know? I aspire to own a multihull...

[Sunspot Baby]

Maybe that's why Polyniseans tend to be such large people. They sailed the broadest stretches of water on the planet in multihulls.

George

[TaoJones]

(Washigton) A three-year study of monohull vs. multihull sailors conducted at the University of Florida and just recently released, has subsequently been found to be invalid. Officials from the US Department of Redundancy Department have concluded that the team of six “researchers” had submitted false credentials in their grant request.

Dr. Wilson B. Wilson, PhD, revealed that the team was comprised of three interns from the Bay Area Laboratory Cooperative (BALCO) who called themselves “sports medicine experts,” two “nutritionists” who were actually shop stewards at the Swift meatpacking plant in Greeley, Colorado and spoke no English, a “kinesiologist” from Philadelphia who was, in reality, an assistant gym teacher and tutor at Lutheran Christian Academy, a high school whose transcripts are no longer accepted by American universities, and a “bio-chemist” who claimed to know the secret formula for Coca-Cola and just what KFC’s eleven herbs and spices are.

At an 11:00 AM o’clock in the morning press conference at the Department of Redundancy Department, Dr. Wilson, PhD, stated that GAO auditors had become suspicious when the six researchers couldn’t account for all the participants in the study. The kinesiologist claimed that the study’s 312 monohullers and 318 multihullers did, in fact, add up to 631 because the study was conducted in Florida.

A spokesman for the University of Florida said later that his institution stood behind the study’s conclusions, and denied that any of the grant money had in any way helped the Gators in their successful quest for three national sports championships in thirteen months. The spokesman went on to say that while it was true that each of the researchers had one leg significantly shorter than the other, and the group’s leader had only one eye and one testicle, those facts had nothing to do with the research team’s conclusion that a boat only needed one hull and shouldn’t sail level.

Meanwhile, the recently announced campaign sponsored by the US Department in Charge of Stating the Obvious entitled “Friends Don’t Let Friends Sail Multi’s” has been cancelled. The campaign had been targeted at Texas and Florida because media experts within the Department felt those states had a disproportionate number of people with new money and old bodies.

At press time it could not be confirmed that the funding for the aborted campaign would instead be used to launch a campaign tentatively entitled “With Friends Like Monohullers, Who Needs Enemies?” Rumor has it the campaign will target those in Southern California, where there is a disproportionately high number of people with old money and new bodies.

TaoJones

[Captain Mark]

But we did land on the moon... right?

[Benny]

Oh NO - the old fake moon landing debate starts up

[GordMay]

I cannot help but feel that TaoJones may be overestimating our collective (and my specific) intelligence.
Notwithstanding his enlightened speculation regarding the future intentions of the “US Department in Charge of Stating the Obvious”, the rest of us should know that these things will take their natural course, and that that which can be told, cannot be true.

[TaoJones]

. . . would I underestimate your intelligence! You are a treasure to this board, sir, and your wise and well-researched contributions are a joy to read. (Well, OK, there was that one about getting one's multihull tramp material at WalMart, but other than that . . . )

Me, I'm just a reporter of facts, and I knew Sailormann would appreciate an update on this fast-breaking story!

TaoJones

[Sailormann]

TaoJones - Excellent! Well Done!

[TaoJones]

. . . I admit to a little extra effort in composing that post, but I felt your hilarious thread-starting post deserved no less.

Best,

TaoJones