Challenge: Overcoming Major Hurdle to World Cruise: Convincing the Wife !

[krafthaus]

Originally Posted by category4jay

BTW where did you charter in Del Mar De Cortez??

In the Sea of Cortez we chartered from The Moorings in La Paz. But they have closed that operation now unfortunately and there is very limited bareboat charter options in that area.

We've chartered from St. Lucia in the Caribbean and sailed both south and north from there and back. That was very enjoyable.

BVI's have many options, but we've never gone there.

[ksanders]

I know I'm getting in on this thread late in the game but here it goes...

Guys, most of your wives are not going to go cruise the world with you. That is just a plain and simple truth. Nothing you do is going to change it.

Here's the tactic I've taken...
I hope people understand, but I have only one life to live, and if I die without fulfilling my dreams, I still die.

I have made my plans clear to my wife over the years. Not beating around the bush, but coming right out and saying it. I'm going to go cruising as a major part of my retirement.

My directness scares her, I know it does. She is a pretty happy boater, she just has been very reluctant to spend more that a few days at a time on board.

We have a large very capable Coastal Cruiser. It has all the amenities anybody could ask for. I have structured my/our life financially so that we will be very comfortable, and so that she will not have to give up her land based home.

She sees me preparing. Not all at once, but preparing all the same. I talk about cruising to her all the time. We talk about the places I plan on taking us. I leave magazines with cruising articles in places where she might read them. I've also made it clear that my dream of cruising is really exploring. The actual cruising is a pretty small portion of the time. I plan on exploring a town, a place, or an area for a couple of weeks or more, then moving the boat up or down the coast and doing it again.

As others have said, she has thrown up roadblocks over the years, but I've worked around them. Once two years ago she told me its either her of the boat. I said OK, see ya later and left. She called me a day later and asked when I was coming home. I saw it for the power ploy it was and called her bluff, and that's all it was, a bluff.

I have been very loving and calm about the fact that I respect her dreams, and that she needs to respect mine. I've offered to compromise, to cruise in stages, a month or two at a time, then come home for awhile.

Well, I think, and I truly hope that its working. We live in Alaska. She just the last couple of weeks ago suggested that I move the boat somewhere warm either this fall or next fall so we could escape our brutal winter for a month or so. She realizes we have a second home that I can position anywhere along a coastline, and move at will.

So, we'll see how it works. Either way I'm going cruising/exploring. If my lovely wife chooses to go then we'll do it as a couple. If she chooses to stay at home, if that's Her dream, I respect that and I'll go alone. I've worked at remote places and am only home for half my life, so we both know what its like to be alone. Neither likes it much, but we're used to it. Cruising alone would be about like it is now. I'd be home part of the time and gone part of the time.

I truly hope she comes along. She'll have allot more fun than she thinks she will.

[category4jay]

Originally Posted by ksanders

I know I'm getting in on this thread late in the game but here it goes...

Guys, most of your wives are not going to go cruise the world with you. That is just a plain and simple truth. Nothing you do is going to change it.

Here's the tactic I've taken...
I hope people understand, but I have only one life to live, and if I die without fulfilling my dreams, I still die.

I have made my plans clear to my wife over the years. Not beating around the bush, but coming right out and saying it. I'm going to go cruising as a major part of my retirement.

My directness scares her, I know it does. She is a pretty happy boater, she just has been very reluctant to spend more that a few days at a time on board.

We have a large very capable Coastal Cruiser. It has all the amenities anybody could ask for. I have structured my/our life financially so that we will be very comfortable, and so that she will not have to give up her land based home.

She sees me preparing. Not all at once, but preparing all the same. I talk about cruising to her all the time. We talk about the places I plan on taking us. I leave magazines with cruising articles in places where she might read them. I've also made it clear that my dream of cruising is really exploring. The actual cruising is a pretty small portion of the time. I plan on exploring a town, a place, or an area for a couple of weeks or more, then moving the boat up or down the coast and doing it again.

As others have said, she has thrown up roadblocks over the years, but I've worked around them. Once two years ago she told me its either her of the boat. I said OK, see ya later and left. She called me a day later and asked when I was coming home. I saw it for the power ploy it was and called her bluff, and that's all it was, a bluff.

I have been very loving and calm about the fact that I respect her dreams, and that she needs to respect mine. I've offered to compromise, to cruise in stages, a month or two at a time, then come home for awhile.

Well, I think, and I truly hope that its working. We live in Alaska. She just the last couple of weeks ago suggested that I move the boat somewhere warm either this fall or next fall so we could escape our brutal winter for a month or so. She realizes we have a second home that I can position anywhere along a coastline, and move at will.

So, we'll see how it works. Either way I'm going cruising/exploring. If my lovely wife chooses to go then we'll do it as a couple. If she chooses to stay at home, if that's Her dream, I respect that and I'll go alone. I've worked at remote places and am only home for half my life, so we both know what its like to be alone. Neither likes it much, but we're used to it. Cruising alone would be about like it is now. I'd be home part of the time and gone part of the time.

I truly hope she comes along. She'll have allot more fun than she thinks she will.

Thats a fantastic post Kevin. Its obvious to me that you are in control of your future..whether she is with you or not on your boat. I spent five summers (six salmon seasons) in Alaska so I know you already have a woman that is a little stronger than most just by virtue of the fact that even lives there year round. Stunning but rough country up there. Keep working on her. Sounds like she's coming around. Thanks again.

[category4jay]

Originally Posted by krafthaus

In the Sea of Cortez we chartered from The Moorings in La Paz. But they have closed that operation now unfortunately and there is very limited bareboat charter options in that area.

We've chartered from St. Lucia in the Caribbean and sailed both south and north from there and back. That was very enjoyable.

BVI's have many options, but we've never gone there.

Not quite sure why there are no real viable charter options in the Sea of Cortes but you are correct it does not appear there are. There are fabulous waters there and I have been boating and traveling there for 30 plus years. If the Moorings could not make it work though than there must be a reason.

[ksanders]

Originally Posted by category4jay

Thats a fantastic post Kevin. Its obvious to me that you are in control of your future..whether she is with you or not on your boat. I spent five summers (six salmon seasons) in Alaska so I know you already have a woman that is a little stronger than most just by virtue of the fact that even lives there year round. Stunning but rough country up there. Keep working on her. Sounds like she's coming around. Thanks again.

Thanks very much!

A big part of the problem we as potential or wannabe cruisers face revolves around the simple fact that in a decades long relation, both the man and the woman grow, and change, and mature and often not in the same directions.

That is not bad, it is just a fact of life. I read over threads like this and I wonder how many people end up giving up on their dreams because their life partner does not share that dream. How many people die with their dreams needlessly unfulfilled?

There was a post earlier in this thread that basically expressed the idea that married people should only live shared dreams. Well, thats just not reality for most of us. I am married to a real flesh and blood woman that has her own dreams, and wants and desires. I have my own dreams and wants and desires as well.

I feel that as long as either of our dreams don't keep our partner from living Their dreams...Then I can have and do mine, and she can have and do hers. Some things we will share together. Some things we will do separately. Boating we do together much of the time, but I spend allot more time on the boat than she does. Cruising might be the same way. Time will tell.

I'm trying to say something here, and its not coming out exactly how I wanted it to, so here it goes. This is to the guys whose wives do not want to cruise with them...

Do not let anybody stop you from living your dreams. Do not ever stop your mate from living their dreams. You can still be married, and still in love and not spend every living moment with your wife (or husband). Because in the end you will be less in love. You will harbor more anger and resentment if you do not live your dreams, and the exact same goes for your partner.

[rgscpat]

Jay, does your wife know other women who boat? That might help her comfort level. If you are in Arizona, you might already know that there are a lot of women participating in different kinds of sailing in the Arizona Yacht Club and other groups; one of them will be our vice commodore next year.

What are your wife's dreams and what experiences does she want?

I'm not the least little bit sure that dirt living is automatically best for kids, but it is what people think they know.

[Prairie Chicken]

It's time for an alternate perspective.

My husband sailed, boated, and did all things water in his youth. I had never been on a sailboat until after we were married. When his work took him to Algeria we lived ex-pat status in Mallorca, a yachting Mecca of Europe. We knew this contract was coming up so both of us got our CYA captains papers so we could charter. Once he was working in the desert I was left alone for a month at a time ... and found the sailboat we wanted to buy. Deal done--while he was in the dessert. That was 21 years ago & it has been wonderful. We kept the boat there after the Algerian contract ended & vacationed on her every year with plans that when we retired we'd have the time to really go somewhere.

But .... now we have the time but the Captain doesn't want to go anywhere. He's very comfortable on the island he knows like the back of his hand. He has no desire to go anywhere else, see anything new. I would LOVE to see more of the Med ... but I know I'll never have the opportunity.

Don't get me wrong. I've loved what we've done, and where we are. I'd just like to have gone further. So it's not just you men that don't get to go as far as your dreams.

[weavis]

Originally Posted by Prairie Chicken

It's time for an alternate perspective.

My husband sailed, boated, and did all things water in his youth. I had never been on a sailboat until after we were married. When his work took him to Algeria we lived ex-pat status in Mallorca, a yachting Mecca of Europe. We knew this contract was coming up so both of us got our CYA captains papers so we could charter. Once he was working in the desert I was left alone for a month at a time ... and found the sailboat we wanted to buy. Deal done--while he was in the dessert. That was 21 years ago & it has been wonderful. We kept the boat there after the Algerian contract ended & vacationed on her every year with plans that when we retired we'd have the time to really go somewhere.

But .... now we have the time but the Captain doesn't want to go anywhere. He's very comfortable on the island he knows like the back of his hand. He has no desire to go anywhere else, see anything new. I would LOVE to see more of the Med ... but I know I'll never have the opportunity.

Don't get me wrong. I've loved what we've done, and where we are. I'd just like to have gone further. So it's not just you men that don't get to go as far as your dreams.

My father was military for 20 some years. We traveled all over the world. When I got to be of age, I traveled all over the world.

My mother wanted to keep traveling. My father said he had done all the traveling he wanted to. He said that if that was what she wanted, go for it.. It was and she did. America, Europe, Africa.

She asked me about a place in Mallorca to buy, and so we got a small apartment on the south west coast. She would go off every 6 or 8 weeks and stay for a couple. I had to book to use it!

She and my dad made plans to sell their house, buy a smaller one in the U.K. she would buy a bigger apartment in Mallorca and I said I would buy her out and keep the one we had.

My mother then proceeded to have a major stroke which entailed specialist care for her near total paralysis. She died a few years later without getting to do any of the retirement things she had planned.

I kept the apartment. My dad who had never traveled as stated, or gone to Mallorca prior to her death, agreed to go with one of my sisters and her young children for 2 weeks after the funeral.

On their return I asked him if he had liked the Island and being there. He was quiet for a second and said that it was really nice, the apartment was lovely........ and that he realised that not making the effort to share it with my mother was a mistake. He was glad that I had stood in for him.

It wasnt lack of love or caring, it was just age and tiredness and a change of pace that he wanted. I know he felt that he could have done more, and regretted it till he passed away.

Funny old thing life.

[janice142]

Originally Posted by weavis

(snip) asked him if he had liked the Island and being there. He was quiet for a second and said that it was really nice, the apartment was lovely........ and that he realised that not making the effort to share it with my mother was a mistake. He was glad that I had stood in for him.

It wasnt lack of love or caring, it was just age and tiredness and a change of pace that he wanted. I know he felt that he could have done more, and regretted it till he passed away.

Powerful words... "It wasn't lack of love or caring..."
And all too true far too often.

It was wonderful that you were allowed that time with your mom.

[Capt Phil]

I have been truly blessed with a partner who trusted me when I suggested we buy a boat, live aboard and cruise for as long as it's fun. Bought the boat many years ago and sailed her to Ensenada from San Diego, put her on the hard where I stayed while she returned Stateside for a few weeks. Too hard being apart so she returned and I awoke one morning to the sound of her sanding on the dock! Right away I knew we were meant for the cruising life. She made the boat our home on which we lived and cruised for about 6 years while I did deliveries. Got pasted on a trip across the Sea of Cortez and had a difficult time handling a 50 footer in a gale with only two of us so returned to San Diego sold the boat and took a land trip north to Washington State. Three weeks to the day after we sold our sailboat, she was sitting in the car while we drove towards Seattle and found an ad for a DeFever 54 and suggested we look at her. Long story short, we bought her, she turned it into the most beautiful live aboard you could imagine, cruised her nearly as far as Alaska then back down the coast to San diego and lived aboard her for another 6 years while I returned to the delivery business. Art DeFEver visited us one day and said she was in better shape than when she was luanched in Japan 30 years before! Only my ill health forced us off her and now, after 20 years together, we both longingly look at our photos of where we have been together, marvel at the wonderful life we have had and are more in love today than we have ever been. We made cruising our life and built our relationship around it as partners. She became at least as good a boat handler and driver as I, if not better and loved every minute of her time aboard... she still misses the cruising life. Don't dispair, just go for it! Phil

[Svdestiny]

Originally Posted by Capt Phil

I have been truly blessed with a partner who trusted me when I suggested we buy a boat, live aboard and cruise for as long as it's fun. Bought the boat many years ago and sailed her to Ensenada from San Diego, put her on the hard where I stayed while she returned Stateside for a few weeks. Too hard being apart so she returned and I awoke one morning to the sound of her sanding on the dock! Right away I knew we were meant for the cruising life. She made the boat our home on which we lived and cruised for about 6 years while I did deliveries. Got pasted on a trip across the Sea of Cortez and had a difficult time handling a 50 footer in a gale with only two of us so returned to San Diego sold the boat and took a land trip north to Washington State. Three weeks to the day after we sold our sailboat, she was sitting in the car while we drove towards Seattle and found an ad for a DeFever 54 and suggested we look at her. Long story short, we bought her, she turned it into the most beautiful live aboard you could imagine, cruised her nearly as far as Alaska then back down the coast to San diego and lived aboard her for another 6 years while I returned to the delivery business. Art DeFEver visited us one day and said she was in better shape than when she was luanched in Japan 30 years before! Only my ill health forced us off her and now, after 20 years together, we both longingly look at our photos of where we have been together, marvel at the wonderful life we have had and are more in love today than we have ever been. We made cruising our life and built our relationship around it as partners. She became at least as good a boat handler and driver as I, if not better and loved every minute of her time aboard... she still misses the cruising life. Don't dispair, just go for it! Phil

Phil that is wonderful, but how does that help the OP?

[category4jay]

Originally Posted by rgscpat

Jay, does your wife know other women who boat? That might help her comfort level. If you are in Arizona, you might already know that there are a lot of women participating in different kinds of sailing in the Arizona Yacht Club and other groups; one of them will be our vice commodore next year.

What are your wife's dreams and what experiences does she want?

I'm not the least little bit sure that dirt living is automatically best for kids, but it is what people think they know.

Unfortunately we don't have any friends who sail here in Phoenix. I do know there is an Arizona Yacht Club here that does a lot of Lake sailing. I've checked into it briefly.

I've tried umpteen times to ask her what her goals, dreams, and aspirations are without being too pushy but she can't or won't answer the question. All hinges on the kids. Im serious when I say she wants to move to wherever the kids(s) go to college even if its Ivy League for crying out loud.

[category4jay]

Originally Posted by Capt Phil

I have been truly blessed with a partner who trusted me when I suggested we buy a boat, live aboard and cruise for as long as it's fun. Bought the boat many years ago and sailed her to Ensenada from San Diego, put her on the hard where I stayed while she returned Stateside for a few weeks. Too hard being apart so she returned and I awoke one morning to the sound of her sanding on the dock! Right away I knew we were meant for the cruising life. She made the boat our home on which we lived and cruised for about 6 years while I did deliveries. Got pasted on a trip across the Sea of Cortez and had a difficult time handling a 50 footer in a gale with only two of us so returned to San Diego sold the boat and took a land trip north to Washington State. Three weeks to the day after we sold our sailboat, she was sitting in the car while we drove towards Seattle and found an ad for a DeFever 54 and suggested we look at her. Long story short, we bought her, she turned it into the most beautiful live aboard you could imagine, cruised her nearly as far as Alaska then back down the coast to San diego and lived aboard her for another 6 years while I returned to the delivery business. Art DeFEver visited us one day and said she was in better shape than when she was luanched in Japan 30 years before! Only my ill health forced us off her and now, after 20 years together, we both longingly look at our photos of where we have been together, marvel at the wonderful life we have had and are more in love today than we have ever been. We made cruising our life and built our relationship around it as partners. She became at least as good a boat handler and driver as I, if not better and loved every minute of her time aboard... she still misses the cruising life. Don't dispair, just go for it! Phil

Thanks Phil for the input. You have a great story Sir. I am envious! Someday God willing I will "just go for it.

[Capt Phil]

In response to SVDestiny, my little soliloquy was intended as encouragement to the OP to not pursue a singular dream but make it a partnership. If you start on your own, you will probably end on your own... better to join in the venture together on an equal basis, learning and experiencing through the adventure side by side. If one of you change your goals part way through, work it out... your relationship should be strong enough to lead you to the right decision. The sea can bring you together or drive you apart.
Perhaps because we both grew up outside the US and in rural areas, our reliance on each other overcame any lingering concern about our differences. We've talked about it (you have alot of time to talk on passages) and ended up thinking that it might be a cultural quirk that kept us together and enjoying cruising. Not to say any culture is better suited than another to the cruising life but together we found a balance very quickly and both drew our strength from the synergy we were able build. Phil

[JPA Cate]

category4jay:

I think you're quite right about feeling worried relative to your good lady wanting to move to your kids' college towns. IMO, this is right the time to let them go. You've done the best you could do to raise them; and it's now time for them to try their wings. Not all the kids make it. Nevertheless, your wife's presence isn't going to be the determining factor. What will, is their character, and their development. Y'all are out of the loop.

This period, when the kids are leaving the nest, is one of the very hard times for couples to survive. You've changed since they were born. You've followed different paths. And separating from your kids after a life devoted to looking after them can be emotionally very difficult. Your wife is facing losing her life's work, and she bore them into the world. This can be a huge deal for a loving, spirited woman. It's a big knock, and finding one's way through it can be hard. So, if you can manage to be really supportive for separating from the kids, that will help...some.

I don't know what her dreams for what comes next are, so can comment only generally about the next part... If you can make it so that she has fun when she comes on the boat with you, that's a start. You have history together, that helps for her. For her, it being fun, and feeling your love for her in combination with the sailing may be what pulls her in. It's best for her if she is drawn to it rather than feeling pushed into it.

We had visitiors today, nice folks, who have two kids still at home, and the lady is having a hard time drawing lines for them that will ultimately help them: Paying board and room. Getting them ready to leave the family homestead. If it were in my power, I'd convince your wife that it is in both your interests to discourage dependence of your kids once they're adults. Do not force them into juvenility (is that a real word?) rather than adulthood. She knows this is "right." It's just hard to do, emotionally. One misreads coddling for encouraging freedom of choice. (You think you're being "nice"; in fact, you're hindering them getting the independence they need.)

I hope you both work this one out to your satisfaction--it ain't easy, whether you're the boy person or the girl person.

Ann