Challenge: Overcoming Major Hurdle to World Cruise: Convincing the Wife !

[janice142]

Another point you might consider is bringing up the children (girls?) away from the influences of modern "civilization" and getting them away from media hype and more. Take a look at the television programs your young ones watch (you too!) and decide if any of the folks you invite into your home via cable TV are people you'd have over for drinks and a barbecue.

Quite frankly, NOW is the time to go -- before your eldest becomes a teenager so wrapped up in the world of peers that your guidance is no longer welcome or wanted. Boat Kidlets are incredible individuals and grow into adults you'd want to be friends with. They tend to be independent, capable, polite, and interested in the world that surrounds them.

This could be an opportunity to forge a closer relationship with the children, teach them your values -- provide them with an education they can't possibly get in any school. We can talk cultures, ways of life, et al, but experiencing same from your own home? That is a gift.

And as for the boat, yes, go for stability -- and a catamaran is a far better choice than a monohull in that regard, plus it will give you more room too. Perhaps you also might consider a power boat; I like the dependabilty of an engine to get me where I'm going and the storage space is good too. Mine is cozy yet I have everything aboard I want including a sewing machine (for quilting -- not for sailmaking!) and lots of books, DVDs, silk floss for cross-stitching, oil paints -- and more! This is my home so having my goodies is comforting.

Tonight it's rainy, but from my dinette table I can see a moon poking out from behind the distant clouds, and the only sounds I hear are the raindrops on the cabin topsides, my fan and the strokes of my typing on the keyboard. For me, the silence is to be treasured though when I get up I'll turn on the radio with my USB attached and will be listening to music.

And yes, I eat from fine dishes. If one breaks I'll buy another. It's not all plastic cheap stuff. This is my home and I am content. It's not camping when it's your home IF it's more than adequate. I like nice things and if your wife does too, she's going to need assurances that this move to a boat won't be a step back....

I'd go with lifestyle stuff more than "sailing to distant shores" ... it's not a big step from marina hopping to dropping the anchor for a swim, enjoying a fish cooked on the grill, staying put over night and starting out the next morning after another swim. If you like the area, stay longer. Along the eastern seaboard there are tons of great stops (pick up a Waterway Guide -- any year is fine/this is just a wish book at this point) and you'll find information about places of interest, museums and such. There is so much to see and learn along the waterfront, and sharing that with your family is an awesome idea.

Still, she might be reluctant because of YOU... when things go wrong, how do you handle it? Are you a Captain Bleigh or relaxed and easy-going? If she asks for help, are you there for her, or is it a "chore"? If you're unpleasant as a dirt dweller, I can't imagine how nasty/grumpy you'll be in a small boat. At least on land if you're on a grouchy tangent she can get in the car and go someplace.

Yes, boating is great, but it is not for everyone. There are mistakes I've seen that doom even the best of relationships. For instance, there was the guy who bought a trawler his wife said she didn't like/want. It was a bargain and he LOVED it, so he bought it. Well, the wife loved cooking and the galley was atrocious. Worse, there was no way short of a major refit to make it better. She couldn't open the oven door without stepping into the companionway. To get food to the aft deck for entertaining, she'd have to go up three steps to the salon, outside thru the side door then up two more steps to the eating area. This was for every meal. Guess how long it would take me to get tired of the rigamaroll?! AND, she told him she didn't want that boat. They lasted about a year before she went into a condo and the boat went for sale. Could they have been long term cruisers? I'm not sure, but one thing I am certain of was she said NO and he "knew" it was a great boat and she'd "learn to love it" -- she didn't.

Then there are the guys who pull into the anchorage or dock and spend their time berating their wife or yelling during the tense moments... it's ugly to watch/listen to, and I can't imagine how awful it would be to be the target of such a rampage. Ugh.

Anyway, I hope your wife comes on board the whole boating idea... it can be an incredible lifestyle, and certainly, even if only short term (say a two year trial period) can grant the children an experience they will long remember and treasure. So, my advice, long winded as it is, would be to

#1) Focus on giving the kidlets this experience
#2) Offer it as a temporary two year expedition -- not a permanent change...

Note: I don't think one changing of the seasons is enough for a realistic look at life aboard. Two gives you time to work out the kinks (there will be some!) and relax into the experience.

#3) Start learning about boats... go to Boats for Sale, New and Used Boats and Yachts - YachtWorld.com and start looking. You're not going to shop yet, but you need to see what is available and the features you want as you decide what it will take to make a home afloat a pleasure boat.
Don't forget power boats!!! '
#4) Investigate home-schooling options... E.D. Hirsch has a series of Core Education books that should be helpful in that regard. And you are volunteering to teach too, right?
#5) Become a library user, and get cards for the kids as well. Take them to the library with you while you research books on boats and living aboard. There are ton of books out there, and quite frankly you don't need to buy them all though I expect some will strike such a bell within you that you'll want to own your own copies!
#6) Be kind to your wife and remember "Happy wife, happy life""

[zeehag]

there are 3 CRUISING families here in mazatlan from usa with kids in near teen years--all the kids are well balanced and smart. seems cruising agrees well with children--is just the grown ups who disagree with that premise.

[larryb]

This method has worked well for me in the past. "Coming aboard or staying ashore?" Best asked after the boat is fully stocked and equipped for an extended cruise, engine idling and only one dock line left to untie. It worked well the first time. If it works as well on my current wife as it did my first, I will never 'try' living ashore again.

"It is good to know your limitations". Dirty Harry

[Sailor_Jerry]

I'm glad I found this thread. I have technically already been around the world. Unfortunately, I only really saw the worst parts of it (thank you US Navy haha). Now I really want to sail around the world, but not just for the circumnavigation merit badge. I really want to just sail from place to place taking it all in until I've seen it all or I'm too old to keep it going. My wife on the other hand, wants to get a nice stucco cookie cutter house filled with a bunch of shiny stuff, and sit there until we both die at the same exact time. Now, when it comes to sailing, she is particularly adamantly against the whole idea. She gets sea sick, claustrophobic, anxiety, scared of sharks, you name it. We have two kids (5 and <1), and we agree that they should be raised in a stable land-based environment. So my plan for the next 18 years is to (aside from honing my sailing skills and saving up fat stacks of cash) convince my wife to get over it. I am in the beginning stages of the long-con, but here's the rough break down (hopefully someone finds it helpful or maybe has a suggestion).

1) Take the wife sailing for a couple hours in either a lake or a bay with little to no chop.
2) Teach my kids about sailing, hope that they love it.
3) Convince the wife to do a short trip to a nice place. (I'm thinking Marina Del Ray to Catalina for the weekend).
4) Keep this up for a while.
5) Go boat shopping. Let her pick out basically any little nick-nack that she wants for the boat (Let her nest, she loves that kind of stuff).
6) Once we have the boat I'm thinking go up the west coast for a couple weeks at a time, do the baja haha...stuff like that.
7) Hopefully by the time the kids are grown she'll be ready to go...otherwise....

[weavis]

I married a woman who promised to go where I went.
She didnt follow through.
She needed to stay home with mummy and daddy.

She been married to someone else for 20 years now, living in the same house as mummy and daddy. I moved on and flew and sailed and lived abroad. It was a fair swap. She couldnt live the life we planned and I felt it was opposed to the agreement we had. She knew that... and still blamed me. whatever.

My experience, and the experience of my friends is that its a rare woman who will give up land for a nomadic life. Better to decide what you can live with happily. It will alter your marriage if longing and feeling trapped is in your heart. One of you will get bitter and resentful. Can you live with coastal or Lake cruising? Big decisions ahead.

Good luck with that.

[forsailbyowner]

Ive seen many couples where the wife reluctantly went along with the idea then the wives would hijack the dream in a covert manner. I knew one couple where the husband wanted to retire on the boat and live in 3rd world countries where his pension would allow a decent standard of living. Everytime he got close his wife would "have" to fly to texas because her mother was dieing. this happened a lot of times. She would spend them into the poorhouse on these trips and he ended up selling the boat after a few years. Seen the same scenario play out over and over with different actors and different methods.

[Coops]

Originally Posted by weavis

I married a woman who promised to go where I went.
She didnt follow through.
She needed to stay home with mummy and daddy.

She been married to someone else for 20 years now, living in the same house as mummy and daddy. I moved on and flew and sailed and lived abroad. It was a fair swap. She couldnt live the life we planned and I felt it was opposed to the agreement we had. She knew that... and still blamed me. whatever.

My experience, and the experience of my friends is that its a rare woman who will give up land for a nomadic life. Better to decide what you can live with happily. It will alter your marriage if longing and feeling trapped is in your heart. One of you will get bitter and resentful. Can you live with coastal or Lake cruising? Big decisions ahead.

Good luck with that.

As you are aware, now if not then, promising to go with you is not at all the same as wanting to go with you.

Coops.

[Andrew Troup]

I'm not aware of a single case of one spouse 'winning over' or 'retraining' the other which ended with happy "adventuring on the seven seas".

The successful cases I can think of, both spice had unquenchable thirst for a on the s s.

Before they ever met.

(Maybe not specific to the ocean adventuring, on reflection, but to something equally irrational, uncomfortable, insecure and unpredictable)

[weavis]

Originally Posted by Coops

As you are aware, now if not then, promising to go with you is not at all the same as wanting to go with you.

Coops.

I am aware that things change, people change and situations change. In my case, the future had been discussed PRIOR to marriage and in great detail. I am also aware that people say a lot of things they dont really mean in order to get what they think they want without regard for the consequences on the relationship.

Its not like I came home and said "Hey babe, I bought a boat and got a job in Australia" out of the blue...... although I did come home and say, "Hey babe, I DID get that job in Australia and theres a boat in it too..."

Even after 20 years.......... I do miss that boat........

Such is life.

My advice, for what it is worth in the situation, Is get a comfortable boat, go local and get everyone to enjoy themselves with no pressure. Sailing is sailing.... world cruising is a different goal and wants building up to when everyone is happy with a a good boat and pleasant times and confident in you as skipper, you as dad, you as the leader of dreams....

"Hi honey, Im quitting my job, selling the house, we are moving on to a boat and sailing to Tahiti.." are the words she loves romantically to hear, on a film she paid $10 to watch....... not when the buyers on ebay come to collect her furniture....

My situation was not a surprise to the ex. She lied to herself and to me.

Yours CAN be a reality if approached in stages....... or you can just have a really nice boat and go sailing every week with some lovely extended cruises at weekends and holidays...... Its not Moet Chandon but is a rather nice Chateau neuf de Pap.

Dont knock extended coastal cruising ... its fun, you get to have a great boat, meet good people, like us for instance.... er.. ok scratch that, AND you get to keep the house.

[robert sailor]

Pretty cute these "water soluble marriages".

Women are natural nesters and if isn't children it will be Grandchildren so you really have to find yourself someone on the unique side if you want to go cruising. It may be with the one you're with now or you may have to go searching, if a life afloat is what you want. It's also not fair to be married for years and then spring the "we are going cruising" line on your wife either so its a trade off unless you have been really clear from the get go. Some women are just more adventurous than others so if you have a willing mate right now you best treat her very good because they aren't that many out there. And in case your curious, I'm one of the lucky ones!

[janice142]

Well Jerry, I propose YOU change your sights from sailing to boating: power boating. Sail boats tend to lean and because you've already said your wife is uncomfortable with the whole safety/shark scenario, why not shoot for power boating?

It does not have to be expensive, and a power boat is more home like (open, airy, great visibility) than a sailboat. I sit down and can see out, looking over a harbor, or a cove, or even an anchorage full of sailboats.

Make sure you are fully cognizant that having a sailboat means maintaining two sets of propulsion (sails and engine) and most sail boats I see in coastal areas are running an engine. As long as the engine is on, why not have a more comfy platform?

I'm not saying for you to give up your sailing desires. However I am saying go power boating first with a reluctant wife/little kids. There will be more areas the children can play, and they will be more secure inside a boat than on an open deck.

Also, I'm not suggesting a go-fast speed boat. As a trawler owner, I prefer going places slowly which is more economical too. And you could still have a nice sailing dinghy....

Navigation, boat handling, etc. can all be learned but getting the wife to like it? Make sure your experiences together are terrific. And feel SAFE. Slowly going some place beautiful is a great idea.

The whole wind in your face and seeing the water slide by the hull doesn't have to be accomplished aboard a sailboat. Think about a small cabin cruiser with a dinghy the children can play in (and at five yours can learn to row a boat -- I did before that)

Side Note: I was conceived (Dismal Swamp Canal), born (Florida) and raised aboard a 40'er so have no problems with boating and children. As a matter of fact, I'm a proponent of life afloat.

Make it fun, make it safe, only in pristine weather with calm seas, etc. Aboard Seaweed I am in no hurry because I'm already where I want to be. When I leave here (new engine install is nearly complete) I'll be looking for "Smooth" to a "light chop" and nothing more. No bragging rights, no scary sea stories, just lots of pleasant days underway, and many more at anchor waiting for that perfect weather forecast.

And a power boat is much more like a house. There's more room for personalizing -- even girly stuff. For instance, the curtains in my galley are lace, albeit with a lace motif. I like them, and yes, as a matter of fact I am nesting nicely.



Good luck. It is a wonderful life and gentle persuasion and nudges may get you where you want to be.

[Prairie Chicken]

Jerry, I suggest you concentrate on the kids. Start with lessons, then a small boat. If they learn to love sailing you can move up to a bigger boat. At least you'll have crew ... and mothers do like being with their kids. If you strike out with the kids though ...

[IdoraKeeper]

There is an old saying, " better to ask forgiveness than permission". I would not have a boat or a motorcycle if I asked permission. Just never ever drag some one along who does not want to be there. Let them be themselves, you be yourself and play the cards you are dealt.

[Greenhand]

Perhaps a better question would be: what are some options that we could explore for a happy, healthy compromise?

Luckily, many posters have answered that question.

[rockDAWG]

Originally Posted by category4jay

Challenge: Overcoming Major Hurdle to World Cruise: Convincing the Wife !

Just leave her at home, and post female crew wanted ad in the forum. Send the female home or put her in the hotel when your wife flies over to meet you when you get to your destination. Problem solves and you will be grinning ear to ear.

This is a common practice for us. IF you check out the crew wanted section. There are so many female wanted posts.