The Joke Thread

[Coops]

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-


"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a huge failure because of the following:


1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Coops.

[D&D]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce
Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife
at all..'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds
since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my
husband's
advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[Emerald Sea]

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me , son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

The son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the **** out of them first!"

[Paul Elliott]

Here's a really funny/painful fake interview with Team New Zealand's Dean Barker, titled Dean Barker admits he should've capsized the boat when he had the chance.

[Coops]

A miner, who just moved to Kalgoorlie from Bendigo , walks into a bar and orders three pots of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The barman approaches and tells the miner, "You know, a pot goes flat after I pour it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The miner replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Queensland, the other is in Tasmania . When we all left our home in Victoria , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The miner becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pots and drinks them in turn.

One day; he comes in and only orders two pots. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The miner looks quite puzzled for a moment, then light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though.."


Coops.

[Coops]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?", she asked.

"Hunting Flies", he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?", she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.





Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

Coops.

[Coops]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

Coops.

[Coops]

Penguins
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then they kick him in the ice hole.


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you??

Coops.

[T1 Terry]

Fifty shades of........

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again......
back and forth... back and forth..... in and out......

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed....

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted.....

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"


T1 Terry

[carstenb]

A cop was patrolling at night at a local lovers lane. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on.. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir "

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And
her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover
sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at
night in a lovers' lane. And nothing obscene is happening! "What's your
age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

[carstenb]

The 5 Secrets to a Perfect Relationship...

..1 It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks, cleans & has a job.

..2 It's important have a woman who can make you
laugh.

..3 It's important to have a woman who you can
trust and doesn't lie.

..4 It's important to have a woman who is good in bed
and likes being with you.

..5 It's very, very important that these four women
don't know each other.

[carstenb]

Man is driving on interstate when he pulled over by the police around 3 a.m.

Cop: License and Registration please and may I know where are you going at this time of the night?

Man: I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking cigars, gambling, poker, and staying out late.

Cop: Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?

Man: That would be my wife.

[SKIPPER2C]

I saw a man take a leek in the produce department of a grocery store, right there in front of everybody! And nobody challenged him or said anything at all.

(not being English, I thought this to be HILARIOUS.)

[Sun and Moon]

The Difference Between Heaven and Hell

In Heaven,
The English are the police
The French are the cooks
The Germans are the mechanics
The Italians are the lovers
and the Swiss run the trains.

In Hell,
The English are the cooks
The French are the mechanics
The Germans are the police
The Swiss are the lovers
and the Italians run the trains

[Coops]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled,
"we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled,
"we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled,
"we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."

Coops