Reluctant Wife

[Celestialsailor]

My second wife was all about growing the kids and taking off. So when we married, I sold the 34' sloop, bought a house and my nose to the grindstone. Financially she put very little into our life together. I paid for 90% of everything. When it came time to buy a boat and teach her "the ropes", suddenly the brakes went on. I did not understand it at first but every time a sailing lesson came up, she was aways busy. Not soon after her famous quote was..."Thanx for the house but I'm not into the "boat thing". It was obvious to me the whole thing had been a set-up from the start. She ended up with the house in the divorce and I sold the boat and bought and sold real estate until 2005 when I saw the housing end in sight. So, I got everything paid off and bought another boat.
Her on the other hand, having acquired a house that I essentially paid for, had no sense of ownership having not had to work for it, lost it after borrowing against it repeatedly. So yes, I have given up the dream to make life comfortable for someone else. In the end water seeks it's own level and all worked out.
Stay true to your dreams, it's all you really have.

[psneeld]

Originally Posted by David_Old_Jersey

........but reading between the lines (aka making stuff up? ) I rather suspect that the real answer is worse than being scared. far worse .

She likely views being stuck on a boat 24/7 forever as a mix between root canal work. and watching paint dry. whilst living somewhere the size of a walkin closet.....take away the sun, and all that kinda loses a lot of it's attraction.

Imagine if she was proposing moving halfway up a mountain in Idaho (do they have mountains there? ), so she can live her dream of growing Lentils. 24/7. forever.............you might actually enjoy the annual vacation doing that (a few weeks or even a few months), the Lentil thing might not be quite so interesting for you as it is for her , but would be other stuff to do and the first big plus is you are doing it together . The second big plus is that you are not doing it 24/7 forever .

Perhaps not what you want to hear, but perhaps something you have to deal with. Maybe suggest a compromise of 3 or 6 months a year floating around in a boat somewhere (does not have to be somewhere hot, hot, hot)....not being 24/7 forever means the boat does not have to be so expensive. Could even look into a partnership, especially if you (her!) would prefer the less sunny months.

I think you are on to something there....

The Skin Cancer thing is crap as most women will retire and sit by the pool or beach as much as sitting in the sun on a boat.

The other is nesting...just can't see that flying from home or flying from a layover port to see the kids is the same thing. They don't see renting 5 or so motel rooms for a couple days every year to get the family together for holidays. They don't see "their touch" in making the new boat a "nest".

The real issue is you want a sailboat. Try a trawler...kinda softens that walk in closet look...

[Sailor g]

I understand how you feel. I am in the same boat so to speak - only it's my husband who is tired of the boat thing. He is a young 71, I'm 57. We have been on the boat for 5 years and cruised the first 2. Then we came back to earn money to go cruising again permanently since I would be retired. He always loved it- but he is a bit of a control person who hated leaving the boat at anchor since something could happen So maybe it wasn't as fun for him as me- I am pretty optimistic and don't dwell on the 1 in a million chance of something happening.

But it's also his M.O. to want a change after about 3-5 years. We met in Las Vegas, next moved to a cabin in Utah with horses and then the boat. Even after we discussed what we would do if something happened to the other (so you had freedom of choice) he said he would probably head back to Mexico (Ensenada) with the boat. Then out of the blue he decides he's done.

He is tired of crawling on the floor to do work or in crazy positions- which I can get- but he won't even hire it out. I am at work all day doing extra to earn $ for our goal- but I help all I can. I'm pretty handy. So now to leave the boat we got tweaked perfectly? I am frustrated and so broken hearted at the idea of selling my boat/soul. I adore life on a boat (even working on the head is better than anything on land). But what are your choices? Leave your spouse? Or go on and do your best to try to adjust to a different life? I guess it depends on your relationship. Myself- I will adjust to a new life and try to charter once in a while. You never know where your new adventure can lead you. Best of luck. I hope you have a good life- wherever it leads you. Gloria

[casual]

Have the same situation,Wife Loves Bahama sailing no fear of anything resonable even went thru a Hurricane aboard.Won't under any circumstance share my latest desire to cross the Atlantic in a well found 38 ft boat.So,I,said stay home I'll go alone ,her response OK.

[s/vPainkiller]

That's a tough situation. I feel for you. I guess my gut reaction is that it's kind of unfair on her part to allow you to toil under the false assumption all these years that she was willing to go along with your dream. I doubt that this is a sudden realization on her part. I bet that this has been her feeling all along, and her "reasons" are just excuses. She sounds like she just doesn't want to do it. Period.

That said, all you can do is offer a compromise. Maybe a smaller house and smaller boat. Or a short term cruise like you said rather than long term. If you can't convince her to go under *any* circumstances, then you have to decide if you are willing to give up on your dream. The ball's then in your court. She certainly can't blame you for wanting to pursue something that she knows you have dreamed about for decades. Is that fair of her?

Scott

[Laffangurl]

Well, some interesting input as always :-)
HAve to agree with the most important thing here is finding out what is really giving her the doubt-so you can look for realistic solutions. You say she enjoyed couple weeks at a time, she understands what the sailing part is like...if she would feel comfortable doing closer to home trips, smaller trips, why not? You'd still be on a boat and perhaps she'd be more comfortable.
If its really about the kids, there's plenty of technology to keep in touch these days, and is it possible to include int he budget up front regularly scheduled trips home to see them? If she knows aheadh of time its possible, may help to alleviate that stressor.

Address each concern with a reasonable solution and hopefully you can both get to what will make you happy, gotta talk it through though, good luck!

[psneeld]

Originally Posted by Laffangurl

Well, some interesting input as always :-)
HAve to agree with the most important thing here is finding out what is really giving her the doubt-so you can look for realistic solutions. You say she enjoyed couple weeks at a time, she understands what the sailing part is like...if she would feel comfortable doing closer to home trips, smaller trips, why not? You'd still be on a boat and perhaps she'd be more comfortable.
If its really about the kids, there's plenty of technology to keep in touch these days, and is it possible to include int he budget up front regularly scheduled trips home to see them? If she knows aheadh of time its possible, may help to alleviate that stressor.

Address each concern with a reasonable solution and hopefully you can both get to what will make you happy, gotta talk it through though, good luck!

Have been searching for several years for the cruising partner gal...if they are nesters...no amount of tech or trips will satisfy them if they live near their kids to begin with.

[foggysail]

I sympathize with your wife! She is smart enough to realize that even a big sailboat is tiny compared to the pleasures a house offers. But you have experience now, even maybe more than you had with your first wife. So do you believe you're going to get out of this on the cheap side??? Bucks man, big bucks!

When this spat is over you will either have compromised with wifey, or you will be alone, broke....boat, sure, maybe something old, veryold in the 24' range living on an anchor, maybe in Florida that we currently read so much about here in the forums.

Think about it.

[David_Old_Jersey]

Originally Posted by Celestialsailor

Financially she put very little into our life together. I paid for 90% of everything. ...........

..........."Thanx for the house but I'm not into the "boat thing". It was obvious to me the whole thing had been a set-up from the start.

Ouch

Lot of that about..........

........and 99% of them would be genuinely offended to be labelled a whore .

[Laffangurl]

Originally Posted by psneeld

Have been searching for several years for the cruising partner gal...if they are nesters...no amount of tech or trips will satisfy them if they live near their kids to begin with.

I hear ya, but he asked for the girls' opinion, and I live near and dear to my kids to, and that would work for me...so, keep looking, not everyone will be the same!

[psneeld]

Originally Posted by Laffangurl

I hear ya, but he asked for the girls' opinion, and I live near and dear to my kids to, and that would work for me...so, keep looking, not everyone will be the same!

Oh....good news... I'm in the take her south for the winter trial period after my seasonal job...

But the OP's married trying to explain or find the reason his wife locked up tight. David Old Jersey hit on the why would anyone in their right mind want to move aboard a sailboat? and I hit the other...it doesn't matter on how big a boat, how glamorous the lifestyle, how anything if she is a nester...he's gotta get that out of her or kiss long term cruising/liveaboard goodbye.

[mrohr]

Girlfriends sail, wives don't.

Read that here on CF, but that is not how I learned the truth of it all.

[Laffangurl]

And my point was not to make any assumptions guys, but that gonna depend on the real reasons, therefore communication needed to see what the best solutions are...ie the eternal optimism that there actually ARE solutions...

[maytrix]

Why not try to do a 50/50 solution.

Get a house in an area that is seasonal and be on the boat in the high season so you can rent your place. Then use the boat that time. You can either store the boat somewhere for the rest of the year or perhaps put it into charter.

[Celestialsailor]

Originally Posted by psneeld

Have been searching for several years for the cruising partner gal...if they are nesters...no amount of tech or trips will satisfy them if they live near their kids to begin with.

I have also found this to be true