Spouse hates my boat

[Idylles15.5]

Been there and your crazy if you sell what makes you happy after you worked your ass off so you could retire early. Your not old either. I had a girlfriend and I thought she was the one at the time. She knew I grew up on boats my whole life with all my brothers and sisters. Anyway I bought a home for the two of us and showed her as a surprise. Ya know what my loving girlfriend said? If you sold your boat we could get a better house. I said oh thats nice, the one thing that makes me happy and gives me pleasure i should sell so you can have a bigger house. I hung in there for a little while, but could never forget she said that. It was over. If you sell your boat you'll eventually blame her and hate her for being a selfish bitch, which she is. I'm sure you have done plenty for her. Move on and tell her to get lost. You'll have no problem meeting a nice women who was probably taken for granted by some jerk, who would love a nice guy in his young fifties to take her sailing, put on some Frank or Mike Bubble, have a bottle of wine and a delightful afternoon. Don't for one minute think your life is over at your age and your trapped. Tell her to lighten up get her own hobby or get lost. Or you could just invite her down to the boat after you have invited a bunch of young ladies and there friends to hang out on the boat in the marina, and maybe she'll realize she doesn't have all he power. Don't sell your boat. You'll never forgive yourself and your relationship will go to hell anyway. Good sailing thats for her.

[vf84sluggo]

Reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw on a pickup truck: "Got a bass boat for my wife. It was a good trade."

[savoir]

The world of boating is wide and varied. Why not search for some class of vessel that you both like ?

[stillbuilding]

Each to his/her own private passions. You deserve yours as much as she needs hers. If cannot work with that for whatever reason the politely and amicably move on.


Sent from my iPhone using Cruisers Sailing Forum

[hblask]

My wife and I are winding down careers and downsizing hoping to sail off into the sunset in a few year, and we talked about this.

Her view: your wife is nuts and irrational. First, to take away something that you've loved for that long is totally selfish and childish. What is the problem with you having your own hobby? Why is that bad?

Second, to let it go this long is a big problem. If she really hated it that much, the ultimatum needed to come before the first piece of sandpaper or the first paintbrush touched your boat. It's a bit late for that now.

I wouldn't have been as harsh, but I suck at relationships, so I'll defer to my wife, who basically says your wife is horrible for even expecting this.

[Celestialsailor]

Originally Posted by a64pilot

Catch 22, can the wife and you'll probably have to sell the boat to pay for it.
Keep wife and have to sell the boat?

Seek counsling, professional not internet, sounds like a control issue to me? Maybe counselor can show her the boat is not competition


Sent from my iPad using Cruisers Sailing Forum

Counseling only works if both parties are honest during the session. Wife#2 (the sequel) and I went for a good year. As it turned out, she really wanted out of the relationship and I obliged.
When we met (on my sailboat), all she could say is how she wanted us together, grow the kids (hers) and take off sailing. 6 years later..."you have the boat and thanks for the house". 6 years after that, she lost everything....go figure.

Originally Posted by s/v Beth

I wonder what would happen if you came home and said "Honey I am really going to miss you"
If she has to change you to live with you you will never be happy.
Have you presented ultimatums to her? This sounds like revenge to me. She is POed and it probably has nothing to do with the boat.

Sounds like control to me. I'd bet if it was another hobby, the results would be the same.
My current and most happy relationship is one of disinterests in one another's lifestyles. She is totally into horses and I sailing. She misses me when I'm away as I do also. She loves to come visit me when I am in a port. At home she takes care of all the bills since I was financially established when we got together. We had been together 12 years ago but her kids were young and I moved to Hawaii. We have a good, long, solid history together....no games like the op is experiencing.

Originally Posted by Julie Mor

I can only relate in the area of how my dad and his wife were. He was Captain Bly, ready to take his boat anywhere. She did her best to be a good crew member. While she took the trek from Chicago, through the Great Lakes, down the ICW and spent a year cruising the Bahamas, her best moment was when the boat was beached and they had to tow it to Ft. Lauderdale.

There they met a sailor who had a neighbor looking to sell their house on a finger of the ICW and she never stepped foot on that boat again.

Some may see a dream quashed. Others could totally relate with her. Had my dad been a bit more flexible, who knows how long they would have cruised. Most likely, she was never meant for life aboard.

Communication is critical. And honesty comes as part of that. Set ego aside. Talk about fears, concerns, and hopes and dreams. And listen.

This was a nice read. That said....not everyone is this open minded. A Phyc prof told me that our personalities are shaped between the age of 0-6 years of age. we spend the next 70 years trying to correct all the BS we learned from bad teachers.

[ntscout]

Originally Posted by Idylles15.5

Been there and your crazy if you sell what makes you happy after you worked your ass off so you could retire early. Your not old either. I had a girlfriend and I thought she was the one at the time. She knew I grew up on boats my whole life with all my brothers and sisters. Anyway I bought a home for the two of us and showed her as a surprise. Ya know what my loving girlfriend said? If you sold your boat we could get a better house. I said oh thats nice, the one thing that makes me happy and gives me pleasure i should sell so you can have a bigger house. I hung in there for a little while, but could never forget she said that. It was over. If you sell your boat you'll eventually blame her and hate her for being a selfish bitch, which she is. I'm sure you have done plenty for her. Move on and tell her to get lost. You'll have no problem meeting a nice women who was probably taken for granted by some jerk, who would love a nice guy in his young fifties to take her sailing, put on some Frank or Mike Bubble, have a bottle of wine and a delightful afternoon. Don't for one minute think your life is over at your age and your trapped. Tell her to lighten up get her own hobby or get lost. Or you could just invite her down to the boat after you have invited a bunch of young ladies and there friends to hang out on the boat in the marina, and maybe she'll realize she doesn't have all he power. Don't sell your boat. You'll never forgive yourself and your relationship will go to hell anyway. Good sailing thats for her.

Damn, dude, you just sent me a mega dose of backbone. I like the way you roll.

[Idylles15.5]

I just finished a complete resto on my 15.5. I'm finally ready to roll, thought it would of been years ago but as I'm sure you found out it takes more time and money then you think, and I'm in the business lol. I have had a girlfriend now for five years, met her bartending in my marina. Loved the boat all excited to go, and we live together, but now that it's a reality and the boats done, she's like, well your gonna take off sailing anyway. Hello???? That was my plan when we met and I was up front and honest about it the whole time. I have a nice 51 ft German Frers and now it's mint, but even my boat doesn't have enough room for all her Tori Birch shoes and crap. They just don't get it. She gets freaked out if one horse fly bites her while were on Block Island. I know she'll never make it in a storm or in the rio dulce getting attacked by bugs. They don't understand that they can't just get off. Anyway, I'm going. I'm not waiting until I have all the money in the bank and everything is perfect. By then I would be 65 or 70 and how the hell would I climb up a mast then if the **** hit the fan. My brother is very wealthy and ultra conservative and always gives me ****. I told him I would rather enjoy life now while I can. Whats the point of having all that money you saved when your to old to do ****. Besides when your and old fart no matter how much money you have or how big your house is, you'll wind up in three rooms of your mansion. The kitchen, the one with your recliner and TV and your bedroom, so whats the point of saving it all when your to old to enjoy it. I can sit in a chair broke too when I'm 80 lol. Keep your boat you put so much time into, enjoy the fruits of your labor and follow your dreams. You have one shot at this life ****, no do overs. I promised myself I'm not going to look back when I'm older with any regrets and say I wish I had done this or that. Get out there and thats where you'll meet some women with the same interests as you. You better not sell that boat. Don't do it MAN lol. Whats better then a cup of coffee at 6am with te sun coming up and it all nice and quiet. HMMMMMM? Maybe a smoke too lol. Well thats all I got.

[Tx J]

Originally Posted by ntscout

ok, so long time lurker, not much of a poster. Really need some advice on this.

I have an older boat that I have completely restored to like new condition. Surveyor says it is in bristol condition. I absolutely adore this boat and have put so many hours into researching, restoring and using it. Recently got my 100T Captains license as well.

Here's the rub, my wife hates my boat, the slowness of boat travel and the ocean. Not only that, but she hates it when I want to use the boat by myself or go somewhere with a group of boaters. I love boating, have had boats all my life (two boats before marriage even) except when kids (and their horses, braces, education etc) depleted all available funds.

It is not a money issue - I retired early with no debt and money in the bank. I am not sure what kind of issue it is but the long and short of it is that I have been given an ultimatum about my "obsession" and told to sell it because it is damaging the marriage.

Looking for help understanding this. Almost cried today when I faxed the signed listing over to the broker. Now I am lost, I don't have any other hobbies or interests. I almost feel like a close friend has died.

What does a sailor without a boat do? Where to go on this?

(assuming this situation is close to as it is presented):
You shouldn't be dealing with a yacht broker, you need to be talking to a good DIVORCE lawyer! ASAP.
You're being manipulated and played by an extremely controlling person. Run, don't walk, away, ASAP.

"Now I am lost, I don't have any other hobbies or interests."
It is only going to get worse. Much worse. Wake up before it's too effen late.

You've apparently provided well for your family, you should be looking forward to a well deserved and reasonably happy retirement period before you croak; and she wants, nay, DEMANDS that you give up your major lifelong interest? WTF? Just because she demands it? When you are finally able to fully enjoy things?

Life's too dang short for this carp. Git gone, ASAP.

Now I'll go back and read from comment #2 on, just couldn't resist jumping on this.

[Sailor Bob 350]

A sailing buddy of mine got divorced because, in her words, "the boat got more rubbing than I did."

Perhaps her remedy is severe, but be honest, are you an innocent victim and her a crazy woman? Not likely. I'd venture an honest assessment would show she is a boat widow, and that you spend far more time and money on the boat than her.

Her ultimatum is an act of desperation. She has no husband now, so why not go for broke? And you want to commit boating suicide, to punish her and become a martyr.

If you look for it, you can see in her eyes the woman you fell in love with. She is in great pain and anguish over losing you. But she is still that great woman you fell in love with.

Why not put the boat on the hard for 6 mos and give your wife the keys, so you can focus on courting her again? Once you return to a loving relationship you'll work out something about boat time, and it will be so easy you will laugh!

I'm no counselor, but being happily married to my HS sweetheart for 40 years shows I know what I'm talking about. And yes, we've had to work out some things about my sailing addiction, but it all turned out great for both if us.

PS if you don't take your wife out to dinner for a weekly "date night," you are missing out on the greatest relationship tool there is. Try it for 3 weeks, you won't believe what a difference it makes!

[SailFastTri]

I have a great relationship with my wife and would give up almost anything for her (even the boat), and I'd be the last person to tell you to ditch a relationship if it's satisfying and solid.


However, you will never make her happy if this about power and manipulative/selfish behavior... Today it's the boat and tomorrow might be something else. The real question is: Is she just feeling displaced by the boat? It's a thing not a person, so if you get rid of the thing what else in the relationship is behind this? Does she just want out of the relationship?


My advice is to tell her if she agrees to get counseling together (not the Internet type) and if you both agree after 6 months of counseling that the boat is the issue then you'll sell it.

[olaf hart]

In my experience most women need something to bitch about in a relationship.
If you keep the boat, you are doing both of you a favour.
That or put a ridiculous price on it so you can say you are selling it, but no one wants to buy it.

[JPA Cate]

IMO, the OP needs counseling, because he has let someone else have so much power over him that he has become miserable. What he may be looking at is an emotional spousal abuse situation where it is the husband who is being abused.

It is possible that his wife is one who lives for control. In that case, he should prepare for a vindictive divorce. I know someone this happened to. It was horrid to watch it unfold, and even the children were damaged.

I think counseling for him could really help him, and I devoutly hope that he will soon get it.

Ann

[Celestialsailor]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

It is possible that his wife is one who lives for control. In that case, he should prepare for a vindictive divorce. I know someone this happened to. It was horrid to watch it unfold, and even the children were damaged.

If a vindictive divorce is on the way, it might be a good idea to sell the boat for $1 to a friend and buy it back forthe same after the dust settles.

[Brob2]

Originally Posted by SailFastTri

I have a great relationship with my wife and would give up almost anything for her (even the boat), and I'd be the last person to tell you to ditch a relationship if it's satisfying and solid.

However, you will never make her happy if this about power and manipulative/selfish behavior... Today it's the boat and tomorrow might be something else. The real question is: Is she just feeling displaced by the boat? It's a thing not a person, so if you get rid of the thing what else in the relationship is behind this? Does she just want out of the relationship?

My advice is to tell her if she agrees to get counseling together (not the Internet type) and if you both agree after 6 months of counseling that the boat is the issue then you'll sell it.

I think this sums up the best advice you have heard and will hear.

And you both have my best wishes.