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Old 06-11-2013, 14:36   #2791
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Re: The Joke Thread

Best page of jokes yet.

Thanks all.
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Old 08-11-2013, 23:26   #2792
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Re: The Joke Thread

I learnt that the American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists
advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a
misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea
shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled,"Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians
said,"Oh,grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, and the
Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the
Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new
face on the matter".

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
****ed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the decision up to all
those assholes in Washington !

Coops.
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Old 09-11-2013, 01:59   #2793
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Re: The Joke Thread

STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!

T1 Terry
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Old 09-11-2013, 02:00   #2794
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Re: The Joke Thread

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Wyoming – Bert always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he
buys them and wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house
and says to his wife: ‘Notice anything different about me?’
...
Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks Back
into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a
little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’

Margaret looks up and says, ‘ Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging Down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again
tomorrow.’

Furious, Bert yells, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’

‘Nope’, she replies.

‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’

Margaret replies… ‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.

T1 Terry
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Old 09-11-2013, 02:07   #2795
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Re: The Joke Thread

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'

'Yes.'

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

“DUNNO?!?” responded the parrot “I lost me grip on the perch and went tumbling onto the floor of my cage. It hurt so much I let a few words slip out that maybe I shouldn't have and all I heard was a scream and the door slam!”

T1 Terry
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Old 09-11-2013, 10:03   #2796
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Re: The Joke Thread

I think I heard that one when I was in grade school. Still too funny.
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Old 09-11-2013, 10:26   #2797
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Re: The Joke Thread

FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS:

CATSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results
December 2012 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA :

Terrorists Discovered: 0
Transvestites: 133
Hernias: 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases: 3,172
Enlarged Prostates: 8,249
Breast Implants: 59,350
Natural Blondes: 3

It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.
Thought you'd all like to know.
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Old 09-11-2013, 10:38   #2798
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Re: The Joke Thread

I always ask for the pat down, I just like the attention.
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Old 11-11-2013, 04:01   #2799
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Re: The Joke Thread


I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital ICU,

Tubes entering different parts of my body,

Wires monitoring every function,

A gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
I heard her say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'
I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'























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Old 11-11-2013, 04:13   #2800
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Re: The Joke Thread

How to hunt elephants
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
Go to Africa.
Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
During each traverse pass,
Catch each animal seen.
Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it.When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

Coops.
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Old 11-11-2013, 04:13   #2801
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Re: The Joke Thread

It’s all to do with perspective....


Helen and Leanne are out having a coffee and catching up.



So, how was your evening last night?



A disaster! After getting home, Kevin wolfed down in four minutes the dinner that had taken me all afternoon to prepare, granted me three minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep two minutes later. Nightmare! And you?



Oh, mine was incredible. Graeme was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and chatted until late. It was wonderful.



Meanwhile, Kevin and Graeme were at the pub



So, how was your evening last night, Kevin?



Incredible! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife. You?



A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when Helen arrived I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful! The dinner was fine but was so expensive I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f***ing candles to avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another hour to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing ....... total disaster!!
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Old 11-11-2013, 04:18   #2802
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Re: The Joke Thread

Thanked 3,535 Times in 1,502 Posts
Its amazing what you learn.. when I went to the middle east I had a wonderful experience..

I heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time...decades in fact..

So I went to check it out. I went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

I watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, I approached him for a chat.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m from Australia, if you don't mind sir, what’s your name?

“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”


“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Jews and the Muslims.”

“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”


“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”



“Like I’m talking to a ****ing brick wall!"

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Old 11-11-2013, 04:19   #2803
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Re: The Joke Thread

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem..


I have two female parrots,


But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,

'Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,

'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .

That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,

'this may very well be the solution.'


The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked,

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

And exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!'

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Old 11-11-2013, 04:22   #2804
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Re: The Joke Thread

During a recent Australian floods a man and his wife were perched on top of their
House. As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old
Hat floating in their neighbour’s yard.

Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went
Downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back
Against the current.

They watched as it did this a number of times.

"Do you see that hat?" said the wife in amazement. "First it goes
Downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream
And then it comes back again."

"Yeh that’s Doug," replied her husband. "On Friday I heard Sheila tell him
that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn this weekend."

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Old 11-11-2013, 04:25   #2805
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Re: The Joke Thread

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

E Bay Scam
My penis enlarger I ordered on E Bay arrived this morning.
(the robbing bastards)
45 ****ing dollars for a magnifying glass!

Saw a fat bird walking down the street today with a t-shirt on saying "I love HIP HOP".
I think the letters C and S had fallen off.


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