Why Do Cruising Couples Quit

[JPA Cate]

Panama James,

I remember there was a pharmacist in NZ who prescribed me ephedrine plus an antihistamine (not benadryl,) but I can't remember what the other drug in that combo was.

However, Stugeron works better for me than that combo did, so I would suggest that you try to locate some there in Panama (you can't get it in the States afaik), or consider getting it in Mexico. It makes a world of difference for us. Also, the suggestion to start it 24 hrs. before departure is a good one--in fact it only works well that way for one of our friends. I can take it just before we leave, that morning, and will be okay, but over the years I have also taught myself a lot of little tricks that help my body deal with it. Incidentally, even as a child, I used to get motion sick, so the search for the right drug for me has been a long one. Odd attribute for a long term sailor, eh?

_______________

Of long term sailors who stop cruising:
elderly parents whom they want to care for
Age & physical infirmities
And, for some, there are other things they want to do and see
Some segue into the barge scene when a physical infirmity makes sailing impossible

Of short term cruisers, 2 or 3 yrs, at most.
Both partners are not equally enthusiastic.
It's more work and less mai tais in the sunset.
The boat is too complex and requires paying others to fix it, so costs are far higher than anticipated.
Some people only plan on 2 or 3 yrs., never wanted it for a lifestyle, just a holiday.

Jim and I are atypical in that we picked each other with this sort of life in mind. I may also fit into the tomboy model. I used to work on my own car, after my first husband was out of the picture. I took my kids backpacking. Of course, there wasn't much money, and I did it because I couldn't afford something else. But we did it.

I think backpacking/bush-walking is good training for a sailor. It teaches you that while your body may be uncomfortable, you can handle it; and it teaches about water conservation, and to not be too picky about what you need for sustenance. A different mind-set from gourmet meals every night, goose down comforters on the best quality bed, and so on. It fosters self reliance, too, which does a woman good when it is her time to be on watch. You have to be the sort of a guy who likes a strong-minded woman, though, or you'd be getting run over all the time.

To the guy who was concerned about being productive and making a contribution:
I've seen this play out both ways: sometimes they focus on the cruising community and put their efforts there, and sometimes need to get back to the intellectual stimulation they had before. For some, it takes the shape of working in their field in a consultancy in another country. It probably depends on how the dream matches the reality, and who "the fates" put in their space for them to relate with as couples.

Ann

[Livia]

Originally Posted by Saleen411

Many cruisers are couples who have invested HUGE amounts of time and money to make their "dream" a reality. Then for one reason or another, some have eventually given up on the "dream" and gone back to life on shore

We have been cruising for a bit now and most people I meet cruising had the dream to "go cruising" not "go cruising forever".

So, when they stop cruising, they have successfully made their dream happen, not quit.

[SV THIRD DAY]

Originally Posted by Saleen411

Evidently that is what some are doing.......amazing to me. I have nothing but respect and admiration for these folks as VERY few people in the world are willing or able to do this.

Actually....I think the Sell it all and go are the minority!
What I see as the typical cruiser these days (on sail or power) is that they still have a house or condo and cruiser part time during the prime time of year and then store the boat during the hot months and go back home to visit friend, family and travel by land.

This gets to the definition of cruising of course, but I see nothing wrong with having one foot in both worlds and there are a LOT of cruisers doing just that, which is doing what works for them.

But there is this myth and mindset that when people end their cruising dream they are failing or bailing out or quitting. It's like if you ever come back you are a failure....and that is bogus. 1yr, 5yr, 20yr Cruise.....take what you want and can get and be happy.

[sailorboy1]

Originally Posted by Livia

We have been cruising for a bit now and most people I meet cruising had the dream to "go cruising" not "go cruising forever".

So, when they stop cruising, they have successfully made their dream happen, not quit.

Excellent point

[Greenhand]

Originally Posted by Livia

We have been cruising for a bit now and most people I meet cruising had the dream to "go cruising" not "go cruising forever".

So, when they stop cruising, they have successfully made their dream happen, not quit.

This is what I wanted to say. This question is posed every few months, always as quitting, never as moving on to other adventures. We haven't even set out yet and we already talk about what we will do when we decide we are done cruising!

[oldragbaggers]

Originally Posted by Greenhand

This is what I wanted to say. This question is posed every few months, always as quitting, never as moving on to other adventures. We haven't even set out yet and we already talk about what we will do when we decide we are done cruising!

This just plays into the recurring theme here that the only successful "real" cruisers are the ones who cross oceans and plan to do it forever.

[monte]

And here.
http://www.moq.org/forum/Pirsig/cruisingblues.html

[RTB]

We are in the "Sold It All To Go Cruising" bunch, and beginning our third year now. There are some really great posts here already, by people that have been out there for many years. Those are the ones I usually pay close attention to. People like Jim and Ann Cate. So, I wasn't going to post, but hey, I need the post count to get my 5 stars...

Since our first two years are still quite fresh in my mind, I'll try to add some helpful thoughts.

My wife and I have been married since 1971. Really, other than a few blow -ups, we get along great. I think, the longer we live aboard this boat together, the closer we get. We are very similar in what we like. We have always gone on vacations that included sandy beaches, and saltwater. CanCun, Cozumel, Turks & Caicos, Padre Island, etc. So, why not live on a boat?

In previous years, I hung out on another forum that no longer exists. I learned so much there, and that is when the whole thing hit me....to sell off our stuff and go cruising. I got a lot of encouragement from my new internet friends. We both began following blogs, where people were doing exactly what we were thinking about doing. I wonder how many people that read what we write on these forums would ever consider this type of living, if they couldn't read about it?

The first year was the most difficult. Not bad, but challenging in so many ways. Maybe we did take a bit of time getting comfortable with each other, living on a 36' boat 24/7? We both needed to learn new things, especially how to handle situations on the boat. I needed to learn (still learning) how to teach her how to do things, regarding boat handling and navigation. It's easy to hurt feelings, when either doesn't understand what the other is trying to get across. This gets easier the longer you are together on the boat, and the more experience you have together. We quietly anchor with silent hand signals now, as an example.

We've not experienced any serious boat problems in 5,000 miles, so that has been no concern (yet). We also have not experienced any seriously scary weather underway offshore, other than a thunderstorm or two. We have however experienced many an uncomfortable anchorage. Those long nights are no fun. We had a big storm hit us in George Town, Bahamas one night. The wind turned 180*, and built to over 40 knots. I peeked up through the forward hatch over the v-berth to be greeted with 5 lightning flashes and booms within a nano-second. Honestly, I didn't know if we were about to die at any second, and thinking "I want my mommy!" If we survived, would we drag into the rocks? Well, I didn't sleep much that night, along with too many others. Sometimes, you do wonder "what was I thinking?" I could be in my old bed, all safe. I believe (for me at least), the biggest challenge is dealing with the daily stress of staying safe. It's always on your mind. Hopefully, that lessens as time goes on.

Sure, cruising is a lot of work. Jugging fuel and water is a chore, and definitely not the glamorous side of cruising. I've had blood in my urine after jugging 60 gallons of water from shore in Eleuthera. It was a tough gig, with a bit of walking, and managing a ladder from the dock to the dink. Luckily, neither of us has been injured yet, but could happen very easily. The walks for provisions can get old, but you and all the other cruisers get used to it. And actually, it is great exercise and just becomes part of the life.

The bottom line is, there are many reasons that cruising couples quit. They probably all have different reasons. In the end, something balanced the scale in favor of quitting. But, I bet they have some great memories and stories to share.

Ralph

[oldragbaggers]

Originally Posted by monte

And here.
Cruising Blues and Their Cure by Robert M Pirsig

Wow..... well worth the read.Thanks for sharing.

[Sandero]

Originally Posted by RTB

We are in the "Sold It All To Go Cruising" bunch, and beginning our third year now. There are some really great posts here already, by people that have been out there for many years. Those are the ones I usually pay close attention to. People like Jim and Ann Cate. So, I wasn't going to post, but hey, I need the post count to get my 5 stars.........
The bottom line is, there are many reasons that cruising couples quit. They probably all have different reasons. In the end, something balanced the scale in favor of quitting. But, I bet they have some great memories and stories to share.

Ralph

Great to hear from you Ralph ~ fair winds and following seas

[RTB]

Originally Posted by Sandero

Great to hear from you Ralph ~ fair winds and following seas

Same to you. Thanks.

Ralph

[Harlequin]

Originally Posted by rwidman

This also means that if there's something you want to do before you die, you have to squeeze it in between the time you can afford to do it and the time you cannot physically do it.

Ron
HIGH COTTON

That kinda sums it up for me - cruise while you can, because life is short.

However, we have the luxury of being able to cruise part-time. Park up when we get bored or feeling 'cramped', and fly off on a hiking holiday. Or skiing, or whatever.

True, I've found that the wife is getting more into the time off the boat than on. Solution: I spend more time cruising with friends & others (eg Find-a-Crew) as crew. No pressure.

Of note, we don't subscribe to this 'sailing round the world' thing that so many seem hung up on. We've covered well over 20,000 nm in 7 years (so approaching a circumnavigation's worth) but all of it in Asia, S Pacific & Australasia. IMO if you enjoy cruising a particular region, why race around the world, making miles just for the 'stat'?

[savoir]

I'm against the " sell everything and go " routine. You should never burn your bridges let alone lock your escape hatch.

Instead trade down from your house to an apartment or townhome. Make it the cheapest one you can put up with. Places like that don't need much furniture so they are easier to manage. Spend 6 - 8 months aboard and go home for the rest. This makes getting bored/grumpy so much harder. You could also make your home port close to the original family home. Using RI as an example, it would be easy to cruise New England and Nova Scotia for 4 or 5 summers without getting bored.

This type of routine works for me. There's a good reason I'm not in RI right now.

[Saleen411]

RTB;1741815]We are in the "Sold It All To Go Cruising" bunch, and beginning our third year now. There are some really great posts here already, by people that have been out there for many years.

Yes, it's been great hearing from those of you that are actually out there doing it. Thanks Ralph...

Jerry

[Kenomac]

OK, I'll offer up our perspective which seems quite different than all the ones offered so far. This coming from a couple that gets along well and has done coastal cruising during our 20's on an O'Day 20 (my idea), then quit after 6 years, then my wife decided to again buy a boat when in our early 50's for more extended, mostly coastal cruising, so we purchased a Hunter 450 on which we lived 6 months per year for two years. Then sold the Hunter to buy our present Boat, an Oyster 53 which we now live on for 4-5 months per year, never staying in a marina.

Amenities are a HUGE consideration, let me elaborate. Back when both of us were in our twenties, the O'Day 20 was a perfect boat for extended weekend adventures up and down the California coast, even with 4-5 friends onboard.... believe it or not. Back then, we loved camping, so not having running water, hot water, electricity or any other convenience was not an issue. When we used the marine head, we needed to open the forward hatch to make room for our head to stick out above the deck when seated on the throne.

Jump ahead to when both of us were 50 and my wife decided to buy the Hunter 450. She did not like the uneasy, tippy motion of the boat... but loved the huge shower and galley. But our Hunter didn't have a generator, and needed to run the engine for semi-hot showers... so this worked out well for day sailing and short one week adventures, but mostly she was happy up to three days on the boat before the complaints began over not having hot water on demand, electric power 24/7, constant refrigeration etc. etc. In our 50's, my wife wanted basically a self-contained, very secure ocean going apartment.... otherwise, she preferred to just stay at the dock.

We bought the Oyster. We were also looking at Jeaneaus, Tayanas and Beneteaus all in the 54-60ft range, but the primary goal was to be self-contained and for her to feel safe while underway, even in foul weather. Basically, I'm trying to say that our needs changed over time, and both of us needed to be in agreement on the type of boat. One partner can't have camping in mind while the other wants to be self contained with a watermaker, shower... a modern house at sea. Both need to agree, otherwise one will eventually quit, then the dream is over. Don't underestimate boat choice.


On my wife's first day out on the Oyster, we set sail across the Bay of Biscay from Guernsey over to Spain.... no worries at all on her part even though we hit some rough weather. I got very ill two days out.


She's been all smiles ever since and shares all shipboard duties, taking a special interest in navigation. Both people need to be on the same page for the cruising thing to work out 24/7.