Wife Hates Sailing Help!

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by tat

Sub, mate, ditch the boat and all sailing forever. Tell your wife she is right, that it was something you had to go through as an existential experience in order to make personal development, She will admire your strength to face the Truth, and that you listen to her and consider her, prize her over other things.

Then you buy a van and tour happily. Get, say, a mwb ford transit (the smallest possible this is, necessary for parking and passing, etc....big is bum), brand new, with single passenger seat, no bulkhead, parking sensors and rear camera, and a high top. Fit it out like a boat, lockers down the side, one for her, one for you, and tv an toilet. It will all fit in. Just a hob and sink.

She actually does have a point, a good point, sailing is pretty crap. Vanning is amazingly better, See the light.

Make it good. And the both of you together in it (the dream).....got to be worth it. Move on to the next level....vanning.

You will be the hero, and it will all be better than boats and water. Just change tack completely.

https://youtu.be/hN5X4kGhAtU

Why, of course... it's so obvious. Why didn't we all get this message before wasting our lives sailing? It is gonna be hard to make up all that lost time when I should have been RVing.

If only I had had access to the wisdom of CF 40 years ago...

Jim

[tat]

Ha, ha, ha , jim, I think there is a part of you, in your wisdom of life, which you surely have, is really wondering if you should have done more RVing. Understandable, there is some good times to be had with a van.

But, to re-frame it: Sub is in a position. He loves his wife, but she doesn't like sailing, which is her prerogative. It could even split them. But sub is where he is, and better to face it head-on, like a man, and bite the bullet, giving sailing up for her, his woman and love; a man who is big enough, a man who walks tall in this world, a man who can look defeat square in the face and take it on the chin, all for his woman, and who can re-configure things to suit all, because he has the guts, the strength, to have her happily by his side, and if that is what it takes then that is what it takes.

[Bulawayo]

Originally Posted by tat

Ha, ha, ha , jim, I think there is a part of you, in your wisdom of life, which you surely have, is really wondering if you should have done more RVing. Understandable, there is some good times to be had with a van.

But, to re-frame it: Sub is in a position. He loves his wife, but she doesn't like sailing, which is her prerogative. It could even split them. But sub is where he is, and better to face it head-on, like a man, and bite the bullet, giving sailing up for her, his woman and love; a man who is big enough, a man who walks tall in this world, a man who can look defeat square in the face and take it on the chin, all for his woman, and who can re-configure things to suit all, because he has the guts, the strength, to have her happily by his side, and if that is what it takes then that is what it takes.

Tat, there is the other side of that particular coin; if she loves him then she can try that bit harder. That sort of suggestion is not going to resolve the issue.

However, reality suggests that marriage should not be a question of staring defeat in the face and of being a man and bearing it ....it is more about compromise when there is a difference of opinion. It should not be turned into a war. There are many suggestions as its easy to give others advice, but these need to be tempered - that can only be done by the recipient. We are not privy (and dont need to be) to the precise details. We dont know the financial details, nor his wife's version of what she is uncomfortable about. Perhaps if she sailed on a different boat, etc may make all the difference. My wife didn't like "tippy" boats as she originally phrased my last mono-hull. After she went on a friend's cat she offered to give it a try and we built from that. Now she chooses to live on board.

[hamburking]

Originally Posted by Bulawayo

....it is more about compromise when there is a difference of opinion.

My boat is named COMPROMISE (for real!).
I sail alone and the wife sits at home.

[Bulawayo]

Originally Posted by hamburking

My boat is named COMPROMISE (for real!).
I sail alone and the wife sits at home.

As long as it works for the two of you, no-one else should comment. For me, my wife has been sailing with me everywhere for over twenty years and the thought of her not being there is like not having one of my limbs.

[Shawn67]

My wife has never been comfortable around water. When I got back into sailing about 10 years ago I knew I was going to have to ease her into it.

Few things that worked for me:

1) I knew she was concerned about sailing from a "what if I do it wrong" perspective. As such she has never really sailed the boat. She accompanies me on our boats but I am single handing them. I haven't pushed her to learn as she isn't interested in it. She is starting to take the helm for small times but isn't yet comfortable with that. I suspect as my kids are learning how to sail my wife will end up picking it up too.

2) Don't scare the wife. Sail the boat to the degree that she is comfortable. First few times out in our Flying Scot (when I was sailing it very very flat) she was a white knuckled sailer as everything was new and strange. By the time I was getting ready to move up to a bigger boat we had first time sailers on the Scot who were white knuckled. My wife was making sandwiches and telling them not to worry " this is a very stable boat." By then she also enjoyed planning across the bay at 10 knots.

2A) Rule 2 applies on new boats. Moving from the Scot to a keel boat was like starting over. The boat felt very different and my wife had to learn the motion of the new boat. As such I again had to gradually build up to it. Happened again moving from a Compac 23 to a Sabre 28. Point out the inclinometer to show the angle of heel is much less than it feels.

2B) Reef early, reef often.

3) Affect management is key. If I am concerned, she is concerned. Stay calm, cool and collected and she is too.

4) Keep the wife comfortable. If it is hot on the boat get a bimini. Try cool cloths, cold beverages, food, cushions... whatever it takes. My wife was having migraines on the water. Turns out the cheap sunglasses she always bought really sucked. A pair of Maui Jim's, that my wife was horrified at the cost, stopped the headaches completely.

5) When we started sailing with our kids rule 2 reset again as now she was also trying to get comfortable with having the kids on board and keeping them safe.

She is now at the point she wants to invite some of her friends to go sailing which I am thrilled about. All of the above applies to kids as well. I have two and both love sailing. That also helps encourage the wife to spent more time on the boat too.

Slowly working toward doing more than day sailing and weekending....

Shawn

[tat]

Originally Posted by Bulawayo

Tat, there is the other side of that particular coin; if she loves him then she can try that bit harder. That sort of suggestion is not going to resolve the issue.

However, reality suggests that marriage should not be a question of staring defeat in the face and of being a man and bearing it ....it is more about compromise when there is a difference of opinion. It should not be turned into a war. There are many suggestions as its easy to give others advice, but these need to be tempered - that can only be done by the recipient. We are not privy (and dont need to be) to the precise details. We dont know the financial details, nor his wife's version of what she is uncomfortable about. Perhaps if she sailed on a different boat, etc may make all the difference. My wife didn't like "tippy" boats as she originally phrased my last mono-hull. After she went on a friend's cat she offered to give it a try and we built from that. Now she chooses to live on board.

Yes, I take your point, and can see what you mean, and you may just well be right, BUT, boats and water is an extreme thing, and I can well see how even if someone could get to like it, it would still fall far short enough to ever turn their heads. We are all like this about some things. Take opera, for example, there is absolutely no way on earth that I could ever get to like opera enough to be able to enjoy it. And maybe it is just that I need to follow my own path to have a fulfilled life, not someone else's path, even with the best will in the world. People have their own paths and you have to find a path that you both want to travel, naturally want to travel, not be swayed to follow someone else's path. It is just how people are, and i think we have to assume that this is the case here. I just think it is wrong, it is extreme. It can quite easily just not be 'up someone's street'. Out on the water? What you got? Nothing. Get to a marina? What you got? No transport. For some people it really can be pants, not their bag, and understandably. I think this may very well be the case with Sub's wife, and if she could be reading this this she may very well say, 'Yes, Yes, Exactly, Exactly'.

I think, in this case, that something should be chosen which suits them both from the off. Time is short. Happiness is precious and should be held onto at great costs if necessary. I bet Sub could be happy vanning, so what is the difference if he gives up boating.

Sub, if you are reading, I say close the boating chapter and start writing a new chapter about vanning. Have a fresh start. Have a whole new do. Accept that she cannot ever dig boating. It's only boats and water. And a change is a good thing, a richer experience of life. Don't try to get her into boats, just find something that you are both passionate and excited about. ASK HER WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO.

[robert sailor]

I just asked my wife what she likes to do and she didn't miss a beat when she answered..."shop for shoes" so my friend Tat this boy will not suck it up and shop for shoes However I do agree that in a marriage there is nothing wrong with each of you have your own things to do as long as there are a few things you have in common.

I'm fortunate in that my wife is really game for almost anything, she is really my best pal plus she is a decent sailor.

[tat]

Originally Posted by robert sailor

I just asked my wife what she likes to do and she didn't miss a beat when she answered..."shop for shoes" so my friend Tat this boy will not suck it up and shop for shoes However I do agree that in a marriage there is nothing wrong with each of you have your own things to do as long as there are a few things you have in common.

I'm fortunate in that my wife is really game for almost anything, she is really my best pal plus she is a decent sailor.

Well, that is good and I am pleased for both of you, and if that arrangement can work for Sub then good for him, too. But if it is more serious, which it could be, then I hope that he would be able to give up boating if that is what it took for them to be together happily. It's just my one take on the subject, and so only as to be weighed with all other suggestions. Only Sub knows. But if it came to it I hope he would be able to be able to close the chapter on his boating, because there are other things in this world, and that has to be remembered. And that is all I have to say, I suppose, simple as that, just a way of looking at the matter. Boating isn't the end of the world, and neither is shoes, she could always drop the shoes and offer you handbag shopping