HELP! Serious Poll Replies Needed - Sailboat from former marriage.

[Cruising Couple]

Originally Posted by oldragbaggers

There is another aspect to this. Sue didn't like the boat and she didn't like to sail. So the boat was probably a bone of contention to a degree between your husband and Sue.

Maybe one of his fondest dreams when he divorced Sue (or she divorced him) was that now he would be able to find THE woman, the one that would finally share his dream and be everything (i.e. the sailing partner) that Sue wasn't.

Along comes you. So now do you want to be everything Sue wasn't, the sailing partner he longs for, or do you want to join Sue and become another wife that makes that thing he loves, the boat, a point of contention, again.

I see this as an opportunity for you to shine, to be everything she refused to be. The sailing partner he wanted and didn't have.

A boat is a material object, albeit a beautiful and wonderful material object that people can be passionate about, but a material object nonetheless. It does not have Sue's spirit in it. And it doesn't sound from your description that she contributed any spirit to the boat except a negative one anyway.

I would love that boat. I would love sailing it. I would love the feeling that I was able to give him something that she denied him, and that I was the one that was sharing his dream.

Screw Sue. Enjoy the boat.

(And yes, I am a woman and my husband and I were both previously married, so I understand the compexities of your situation. But that is what I would do.)

Thank you Becky. You are so kind. I needed to hear this. Tears.XO

[Richard5]

I would get rid of anyone who wanted to paint my teak interior. Beautiful wood deserves to shine! (It's a joke! Well, not about the inherent beauty of teak brightwork-that's no joke.)

The wife of one of my contractor buddies found a solution. He continued to 'promise' this or that would be finished on their home. She had enough so she solicited another contractor through one of her husband's vendors. That contractor came over and finished the various projects while hubby was out working. It actually worked out well for everyone. OP, hire a professional to install low voltage interior lighting.

[SailFastTri]

Originally Posted by NiceBoat

I am familiar with your posts because I have been a member under another screen name for several years. I brought this to Cruiser's Fourm, because I wanted valid advise from cruisers who understand the life of sailor's and know how attached we become to our vessels. I might add that I have received exactly what I came for. Moreover, I am not asking my husband to give up his boat. That I could do all on my own and I could make it happen, but that would be quite unfair, as it would have been emotional manipulation.
What I have learned it that this is his "happy place." Even though we work entirely too much to sail as much as we would like, he just likes to go see her from time to time and "fiddle around." We spend a great deal of money for him to have that privlidge (marina rental, electric, insurance, etc..), but if it is that important to him, then so be it. However, I just am not happy sailing on her and so be that .... it makes me sad and I cannot control that as much as I've tried. So we have to compromise. My Cruiser's Forum .... because only true sailor's "GET IT" -- that's why! One day, when we retire, we will buy our yacht and we will sail off into the sunset. In the meantime, I have learned this is the compromise and I learned that for free, here on Criuiser's Forum from people who are smart and some who are just smart asses. And .... it did not cost us $180/50 minutes. Happy Now?!

All your answers to Don prove he nailed it!

I dont see this as any different than accepting that he had a life before you. Add another vote to the "get over it you're being a controlling insecure person" camp. Sorry, I'm calling it like I see it.

This is why dogs pee on poles.

BTW changing the name is no big deal even if it's CG documented. Here's a link for the "how to" USCG National Vessel Documentation Center, FAQ Page

[Navicula]

I have been married for 28 years........never been divorced.......so I dont see the problem here............I will say the answer lies with a counselling service......

[engele]

Originally Posted by NiceBoat

Don .... do you sleep in the bed of your wife's former lover/husband? Just wondering

This is I think your problem. If your husband owned a house that predates your marriage would you force him to sell if you didn't? Be realistic. If you like to sail but want another boat, it will cost you a ton of money just to get over some internal emotion issue. If you love and trust your husband, then get over it.

[SailFastTri]

Originally Posted by NiceBoat

You would never be so fortunate as to spend time with me.

You're high maintenance.

[atoll]

i thought the boat was somewhere the husband went to get away from the wife!
obviously the reverse psycology from hubby is working perfectly!

[Ex-Calif]

Sorry for th thread drift...

I divorced over two years ago. My ex was the world biggest demon and sucked all the oxygen from any room she entered. The diviorce was contentious and I lost a lot.. What I didnt lose was my boat, my therapy and the one distraction that kept me sane during this horrible period of my life. My ex didnt like the boat and didnt sail but in her mean spirited way she tried to make the boat sale part of the divorce settlement, not just for her half of the assets, but to deny me the boat. I work hard and pay my bills. I dream of finding the right woman and sailing away into the sunset at some point aft our working lives are over.

I met a woman who appears great. She is s sailor and a career person and I think I have found the one. She knew my history and knew about the boat. She also has an ex that she remains on friendly terms with. I understand that even though I have almost nothing to do with my ex. After we married things were ok but the boat soon became a serious issue. She says it reminds her of my ex and my life before and the boat must go. I am crushed. I feel I dont know this woman and she doesnt know what I went through to keep the boat.

My feeling is that people come with baggage. We all have pasts and I hid nothing of my past or my dreams. I fell like everything in my life needs to change in order to fit this woman's idea of what a marriage and relationship is about. I just think having me shohuld show that I am committed to her and that my ex is not a factor, she has mentioned things like repainting the boat and in fact painting the teak (who paints teak) - but I doubt this will solve the issue. It seems more like a control thing.

She also says the boat is a big waste of "our" money and that I should sell it. She says we can bum rides on other peoples boats for now. I am afraid if I sell I will never have a boat again. I dont trust this situation.

Now she tells me that she wont sail on the boat and if I sail I do it on my own but she is ok with it. I dont think this is healthy. Not sharing such a big part of my life starts us on the path to being separate people.

Am I crazy and should I just sell the boat?

[sailorboy1]

hey maybe just new sheets! we can all agree on this I think

lets lighten up

[sailorboy1]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

Sorry for th thread drift...


Now she tells me that she wont sail on the boat and if I sail I do it on my own but she is ok with it. I dont think this is healthy. Not sharing such a big part of my life starts us on the path to being separate people.

Am I crazy and should I just sell the boat?

Come on now Dan. You know the answer here!

[boden36]

Ex-Calif,
My theory is if you had it before she came along, it was part of the package, and she's stuck with it!!
Maybe a little counselling would be helpful in resolving her issues.

Regards,
Richard.

[Khagan1227]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

Sorry for th thread drift...

I divorced over two years ago. My ex was the world biggest demon and sucked all the oxygen from any room she entered. The diviorce was contentious and I lost a lot.. What I didnt lose was my boat, my therapy and the one distraction that kept me sane during this horrible period of my life. My ex didnt like the boat and didnt sail but in her mean spirited way she tried to make the boat sale part of the divorce settlement, not just for her half of the assets, but to deny me the boat. I work hard and pay my bills. I dream of finding the right woman and sailing away into the sunset at some point aft our working lives are over.

I met a woman who appears great. She is s sailor and a career person and I think I have found the one. She knew my history and knew about the boat. She also has an ex that she remains on friendly terms with. I understand that even though I have almost nothing to do with my ex. After we married things were ok but the boat soon became a serious issue. She says it reminds her of my ex and my life before and the boat must go. I am crushed. I feel I dont know this woman and she doesnt know what I went through to keep the boat.

My feeling is that people come with baggage. We all have pasts and I hid nothing of my past or my dreams. I fell like everything in my life needs to change in order to fit this woman's idea of what a marriage and relationship is about. I just think having me shohuld show that I am committed to her and that my ex is not a factor, she has mentioned things like repainting the boat and in fact painting the teak (who paints teak) - but I doubt this will solve the issue. It seems more like a control thing.

She also says the boat is a big waste of "our" money and that I should sell it. She says we can bum rides on other peoples boats for now. I am afraid if I sell I will never have a boat again. I dont trust this situation.

Now she tells me that she wont sail on the boat and if I sail I do it on my own but she is ok with it. I dont think this is healthy. Not sharing such a big part of my life starts us on the path to being separate people.

Am I crazy and should I just sell the boat?

Let me get this straight, you wife wants you to get rid of your boat, that she knows you love and love to sail, so she can feel better because she doesn't care for the boat?

Just me, but that is pretty selfish on her and on the Original Posters part as well.

I don't know about other people, but I get attached to things I picked out, worked on and feel as though part of me is in my SSR and my boat. If my wife asked me to sell either, I would be more than very upset and she knows it.

I'm lucky though, my wife understands my thinking on the subject and while both are "objects" to her, she knows they are part of who I am and wouldn't ask me to get rid of them to make herself feel better.

Keith

[monte]

isnt ex calif's wife the original poster???

[Boracay]

Having more than one or two ex girlfriends and an ex wife I can see where you're coming from.

Particularly with wives I thought that the "rule" was that nothing of the ex remains. I've still got a few photos and one nice rug that never see the light of day and probably never will. It's not a point of negotiation.

So while financially and logically the boat is great, emotionally it's got to go. The big question is how.

Emotional attachment can be so strong that some people will die rather than give something up. We're currently getting rid of everything save a few trinkets to go cruising and as each item goes I can feel the pain. But the future is not about objects, it's about freedom.

So at some point, if you really like sailing, and your husband won't budge maybe he's got to be the one to go.

So the big question is really can you build a new life by yourself, or would you rather be somewhat unhappy where you are?

[engele]

Originally Posted by Don Lucas

hey maybe just new sheets! we can all agree on this I think

lets lighten up

Reasonable compromise. The OP seemed concerned about the bunk, so maybe for Christmas he could have a new mattress made for her as well. Combined with a name change on the boat, maybe some new windows and a change of cushions, all should be well.