The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[toddster8]

Originally Posted by GordMay

I asked my researcher friend, what would happen if I try to swim in containment pool, of a nuclear reactor. He said, "Um, you would die pretty quickly ..."
"...from multiple gunshot wounds."

No kidding. Where I used to work, if you got over the first fence, there was a zone patrolled by attack dogs. If you got past the dogs and over the second fence it was a "shoot to kill" zone. Before you got anywhere near the building. Oddly enough, you had to walk along the dog fence to just to get into the library.

[AKA-None]

When I was at nasa Langley my badge would get me anywhere and there was nothing I couldn’t see

Except the junkyard

Which was inside a warehouse

[Greatest Lakes]

Taking people intoa nuclear power plant for the first time is usually an interesting experience. Interesting sets of rules as soon as you exit your vehicle, and you are watched both in person and by cameras your entire visit. Weirded out the last guy I went in with so much, he didn't notice the guy operating the x-ray security stuff was also wearing an M4... one of the nice things about having the plants here, is the beaches down the current have water temperatures a few degrees higher.

[Sand crab]

A Ukranian brewery named one of their beers Putin Dickhead after the annexation of Crimea. Now they are using those same bottles for molotov cocktails.

[boatman61]

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

A group of physicians are duck hunting.

The general surgeon spots a duck flying from the marsh, aims his rifle, shoots the duck in one shot, and turns to the others and says "I just shot myself a duck."

The intern sees a duck, aims his rifle, leads the duck with his first shot, trails it with his next shot, and hits with his third. He turns to the group and says, "It was too small for a condor, too big for a sparrow. I think that it was probably a duck."

The radiologist sees a duck, aims a shotgun, hits the duck, and turns to the group. He states "I just hit a flying animal. It may be a duck, pheasant, or quail. Possible flying squirrel. Cannot exclude a pterodactyl at this point. I think I should shoot it again, but with a scoped rifle next time."

The emergency physician spots a duck flying the marsh and aims a huge, automatic combat shotgun, unloading two full magazines into the air, as the other physicians take cover behind him. After the tremendous noise ceases, the intern uncovers his ears and shouts, "What the hell was that?" The emergency physicians turns around and says, "I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure that I hit it."



Q: What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
A: One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

[GordMay]

I woke up this morning coughing badly.
I think I may have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it’s hard to say.


I don't find health-related puns funny anymore, since I started suffering from an ‘irony deficiency’.
I went to the library, to get a medical book on abdominal pain. Somebody had ripped the appendix out.
For years I was against organ transplants. Then I had a change of heart.
Statistically: 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.
I saw a sign on the lawn, at a drug rehab center, that said 'Keep off the Grass.'
You can hear the blood in your veins, if you listen varicosely.

[carlosproa]

Originally Posted by GordMay

A group of physicians are duck hunting.

The general surgeon spots a duck flying from the marsh, aims his rifle, shoots the duck in one shot, and turns to the others and says "I just shot myself a duck."

The intern sees a duck, aims his rifle, leads the duck with his first shot, trails it with his next shot, and hits with his third. He turns to the group and says, "It was too small for a condor, too big for a sparrow. I think that it was probably a duck."

The radiologist sees a duck, aims a shotgun, hits the duck, and turns to the group. He states "I just hit a flying animal. It may be a duck, pheasant, or quail. Possible flying squirrel. Cannot exclude a pterodactyl at this point. I think I should shoot it again, but with a scoped rifle next time."

The emergency physician spots a duck flying the marsh and aims a huge, automatic combat shotgun, unloading two full magazines into the air, as the other physicians take cover behind him. After the tremendous noise ceases, the intern uncovers his ears and shouts, "What the hell was that?" The emergency physicians turns around and says, "I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure that I hit it."



Q: What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
A: One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

Great joke!

[carlosproa]

Originally Posted by tkeithlu

Let me introduce you to Schaffer's, a local Philadelphia beer until the late 1960s, when it gained wider market share by advertising itself as the indiscriminate beer guzzler's beer. I could buy it for $3.33 a case in returnable bottles back then. Seriously. Their advertising jingle went

"Schaffer's is the one beer to have, when you're having more than one."

Come to think of it, it did leave a sort of wet wool taste in my mouth...

Drank it!

[mikereed100]

A blind man wanders into a women's biker bar by mistake.
He hollers to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls silent.
In a husky voice the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind man says, 'Well not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

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[D&D]

> The US Marines found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

> They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of
> $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

> The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

> The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

> The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

> The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'

> It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.

> But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

> The medical officer arrived at the barracks and instructed the sergeant-major to 'drop 'em', which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant's penis and began to work back. 'Dear Lord,' The medical officer suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your balls?'

> The old sergeant-major calmly replied, 'Afghanistan.'

[MicHughV]

A new Yorker buys a farm in Texas.
One day his neighbor, an old time Texan shoots a duck flying in the air.
The duck lands on the New Yorkers side of the fence.
The Texan strides across the fence to retrieve the duck.
The New Yorker sez" whoa, buddy, dat's mah duck, he landed on my side of the fence, so it's my duck!"
Texan replies "no sir, that's mah duck, I shot it, so it's mine"
They argue back and forth for a while but don't seem to find any resolution.

Finally, the Texan sez " lissen here in Texas we have a rule, iffen we can't find common ground, we each kick each other in the nuts, and whom ever takes the longest to get up, loses the duck"
The New Yorker thinks this is a fine plan.
The Texan, swings back his pointy cowboy boots, to behind his head, and lets fly. The New Yorker flies thru' the air, and lands in a writhing clump 50' from where they are standing.
It takes several minutes for the New Yorker to get to his feet to regain his composure.

Finally he musters to strength to face the Texan, and sez" ok, my turn now"

Texan sez " it's okay buddy, you keep the duck....."