Retiring with a landlubber

[tbodine88]

Yesterday, the wife and I, or mostly just I started talking about what we (or I, I guess ) wanted to do in retirement.

I have a west wight potter on which she seldom goes sailing with me.

I have a couple of ambitions. One is to sail from Minnesota to the Delta on the Mississippi, the other is to sail along the Intracostal from Texas and out to Bimini Bahamas.

I mentioned the Mississippi trip. and she is unhappy. She'd like instead to Cruise down on a paddle wheeler or Viking river cruises which change the plan from my nickle and dime method (I hope) to a gold plated one.

Are there any old salts who have remained with their landlubber spouses who have successfully made the transition from a land locked life to some sailing time while remaining together? For you see I still love my wife dearly.

[belizesailor]

She is unhappy because you want to cruise down the Mississippi or because you want her to go with you?

Nothing wrong with pursuing separate interests separately in my book. For me there are some things I prefer to do solo (some sailing, fishing, hiking...)

How about moving somehwere coastal so that each of you has ready access to what each likes?

[tbodine88]

I think she is unhappy with the "separate" part of the plan.

[JPA Cate]

Mr. Bodine,

Please take this with a grain of salt, I don't know you or your wife, and this is based on my observations of people. If your wife is say, about 60 yrs. old, and the boat you propose for the trip is the WWP, I would not expect her, who has no love for the boat, to want to subject herself to that level of discomfort for "your" holiday trip.

Quite possibly, she might become more interested if you look at it from her point of view: her dream there has someone else doing the caretaking work, a little perceived glamour, and all comfort. It's up to you to figure out how to provide enough of a compromise where she might be interested. You guys need to figure out some bottom lines in a friendly way.

The benefits (besides the $$) of going on your own boat include the ability to stop longer in places you like, the opportunities to explore other rivers along the way, and I'd think that would be more fun for both of you than a glitzy showboat.

However, it is the boat that is the rub. Maybe you guys could get a (gasp!) motor boat that she feels safe and comfortable on? Or a slightly larger sailboat that she would feel safe and comfortable on? Maybe you could offer to do the cooking?

What I'm getting at here, is that you will want to propose something that will be fun for her, too, that will make her feel pampered, too, the way she thinks the riverboat tour will pamper her. At least that's my take on this. Ymmv.

On edit: you might consider asking her what it would take to get her to consider the trip on the Mississippi on your boat. Not knowing her, it's hard to imagine what would do it for her. It could be as simple as a comfortable new mattress or as difficult as a quid pro quo: if she does it for you, then you gotta do something for her that makes her heart go pitty pat as much as the idea of this trip does yours. Also, she may be afraid because it is a small boat. FWIW, we've met people who've circumnavigated in 20-22 foot boats, but they were, imo, better sailing boats than the WWP's.

Ann

[ohdrinkboy]

My wife and I have discussed this for our case. I'll be buying a bigger boat than we have now regardless of her coming along.

We've settled to a point where she needs to be land based. She might fly down and spend a week or two with me somewhere she wants to see.

Life is a compromise.

This will actually allow me to go smaller and cheaper. I'll likely get a boat about 34'.

Hope you find a suitable solution.

Fair winds,
ODB

[Badsanta]

Check out the AGLCA. Lots of info. Take her to one of their gatherings. I took my wife and she is now excited about this. Close to shore and people. Baby steps, but in the right direction.

Sent from my SM-G860P using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

[Bulawayo]

My wife initially disliked sailing until I took her onto a cat. The transformation was remarkable. I also made certain my wife had some of the little luxuries taken for granted on land like a washing machine.

Originally Posted by tbodine88

Yesterday, the wife and I, or mostly just I started talking about what we (or I, I guess ) wanted to do in retirement.

I have a west wight potter on which she seldom goes sailing with me.

I have a couple of ambitions. One is to sail from Minnesota to the Delta on the Mississippi, the other is to sail along the Intracostal from Texas and out to Bimini Bahamas.

I mentioned the Mississippi trip. and she is unhappy. She'd like instead to Cruise down on a paddle wheeler or Viking river cruises which change the plan from my nickle and dime method (I hope) to a gold plated one.

Are there any old salts who have remained with their landlubber spouses who have successfully made the transition from a land locked life to some sailing time while remaining together? For you see I still love my wife dearly.

[dochip]

Tom:

My wife of 33 years and I had a similar fork in the road about how much time together on the sailboat was happy. She explained that she was tired of "camping," which was what it felt like for her on the 1987 Bayfield 32C we owned at the time. We subsequently sold that boat and last year bought "Windstar," a 2005 Catalina 350 and now spend much more time together sailing then we did before. Windstar is luxurious by comparison, has things like hot and cold running water and a nice head and shower, a practical galley and importantly: roller furling on both jib and main as well as an autopilot, which make handling the boat much, much easier for both or either of us. And she sails beautifully.

I still want to travel on the boat more than my wife; but she runs a museum and I work from my laptop. So I'm taking baby steps into single-handing sailing and we talk lots about her driving or flying for three-day weekends to where I end up. I wish we could do it together all the time, but married life is compromise by definition.

There are no magic formulas, but constantly communicating honestly about our needs and desires - even when it's difficult - is all that one can do. And it is difficult at times even with your best friend, partner, lover, wife.

My relationship with my wife is more important than sailing, and I feel blessed that she encouraged me to buy the newer boat. We both got part of what we wanted. Is life perfect? Nope. But it sure is good.

Finally, I think all of us like hot showers and a bit of comfort especially as we grow older. And that's hard to do in a West Wight Potters. Maybe a bigger more comfortable boat would help. And in the current boating market there are lots of great sailboats available that don't require a "gold-plated" budget.

[seasick]

I second Ann T Cate's thoughts. A WWP for extended cruising is like living in a drippy pup tent.

My wife and I have sailed well over 150,000 miles together. Now in our 60s and she with serious health issues, I do the passages solo and she flies in for the calm lagoons.

River sailing mostly sucks. I live and sail on the Columbia River. Get a trawler and become a https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Loop"Looper." It's a great voyage covering some amazingly diverse country.

[Lepke]

I'm 67 and married once and divorced 29 years so take this with a grain of sand.

You can spend the remainder of your life living your dream or your wife's dream. Very few women like to live on boats for an extended time. The more comfortable the boat the better chance you have. That usually means a larger boat than you would need.

Much of my life has been on or near the ocean. Of the women I've dated and other people I have known, I only know 2 women that liked boat living over a longer period of time. Many in advance think they would like boat living, but I only know 2. They were both fisherman's wives.

[TrentePieds]

Listen to Ann Cate. And then pick up some further pointers be re-reading Tom Sawyer :0)!


My beloved came to the seafaring life at retirement age. Never set foot in ANY kinda boat before. Now I can't get her off the wheel. 8 hour tricks consistently, and every so often an "Oh, WOW! That was a big one! Is this sea state 4 yet? Is it?.. is it?"

It's all in how you break 'em in :-)

TrentePieds

[hamburking]

I agree with the consensus above...if you want the wife to join you, its time for a (much) bigger boat with some luxuries...like a shower with hot water and privacy, and a warm cozy bed at night.

Your very first trip should be to a boat show...let her fall in love with some beautiful boat, listen to what's important to her, and take it from there.

[Tayana42]

Take the riverboat cruise (she is right) then rent a sailboat to day sail when you get there. Or day sail down the river and stay at luxury hotels every night. Either option will be cheaper than buying a boat big enough for her to be comfortable.


S/V B'Shert

[oldragbaggers]

Mr. Bodine, I think you have gotten some very good advice here. From my personal point of view (female), I have been sailing with my husband for 34 years and have lived aboard boats as small as 24'. I love sailing and I love living aboard, I love small spaces and don't mind a bit of discomfort or inconvenience from time to time, but I would not under any circumstances be excited about the idea of cruising for any length of time in a WWP. At this stage of my life (I am 61 years old) a WWP would be a daysailer at best.

The fact that your wife is talking about a paddlewheel river cruise would suggest that it's not the cruise that she is opposed to, it's the boat. I will add my voice to those who are saying that you need to explore with her whether a bigger, more comfortable boat (or maybe even a power boat) would change her outlook on the idea of cruising with you. If the hangup is the boat then it's a fairly easy fix.

[JPA Cate]

Originally Posted by oldragbaggers

Mr. Bodine, I think you have gotten some very good advice here. From my personal point of view (female), I have been sailing with my husband for 34 years and have lived aboard boats as small as 24'. I love sailing and I love living aboard, I love small spaces and don't mind a bit of discomfort or inconvenience from time to time, but I would not under any circumstances be excited about the idea of cruising for any length of time in a WWP. At this stage of my life (I am 61 years old) a WWP would be a daysailer at best.

The fact that your wife is talking about a paddlewheel river cruise would suggest that it's not the cruise that she is opposed to, it's the boat. I will add my voice to those who are saying that you need to explore with her whether a bigger, more comfortable boat (or maybe even a power boat) would change her outlook on the idea of cruising with you. If the hangup is the boat then it's a fairly easy fix.

Point well taken, Becky.

Ann