Leaving Children Behind ?

[SurferShane]

Originally Posted by Feral Cement

How close are you to jumping off?

After a meeting with the school it looks like my plans will be delayed till she is at least ready to attend. No problems though, in the meantime I can do a bit of outfitting, get the daughter swimming properly and train her up as a deckhand (makes me feel a bit guilty about child exploitation, but sure is the healthy option in comparison to buying her an X-box and dumping her in front of a TV?). There are places either side of me where there are decent harbours, islands and/or protected waterways to explore. Hey, at least I found a job somewhere that observes international “Talk Like a Pirate Day”! http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html

[daddle]

I've left my child, a high school student, behind. For the past 4 years I've only been with her intermittently. Visiting every few months. She stay's with her mother, which she doesn't like much. We're very close. She was and is the world's most perfect daughter as far as I can tell.

Whose to say what is best? How can you ever know? It's your choice. Leaving will make a difference in your and her life. So what?

You've already said too much about your situation. It all irrelevant.

"It just doesn't matter. And 'So what?' if it does." Anon.

[SurferShane]

Originally Posted by daddle

I've left my child, a high school student, behind. For the past 4 years I've only been with her intermittently. Visiting every few months. She stay's with her mother, which she doesn't like much. We're very close. She was and is the world's most perfect daughter as far as I can tell.

Whose to say what is best? How can you ever know? It's your choice. Leaving will make a difference in your and her life. So what?

You've already said too much about your situation. It all irrelevant.

"It just doesn't matter. And 'So what?' if it does." Anon.

Thanks – your situation sounds very familiar and I am agreeing with the “already said too much”. It has been good though to get things off my mind (guilt I suppose?). Not many people around here understand these things and the forum is a great brainstorming tool where you realise you are not alone with these issues. Now it is just time to get in and make things happen.

[rebel heart]

My daughter is six weeks old so I don't have a lot of experience here, but I'll chime in anyway.

Honestly it sounds like your relationship with your daughter's mother is pretty bad. With that, you're not going to be able to do much until your daughter gets older and can start asserting her own opinions and desires a bit more. I think you need to live the life you want to lead and be a role model for her.

A lot of parents don't do much else than parent, which to me doesn't raise the child to be anything more than a parent themselves. You can be a parent and have a life full of accomplishments and achievements. With that, you not only teach your child how to grow up, but you set the bar for them that "this is what a life is. not sitting around watching tv or just getting by. a life is one full to the brim of achievement, work, and living."

So in short I'd say to go, but always write and communicate with your daughter that you'd like her to come with you and be a part of it. You're not leaving her if her mother's decision for her not go go; it's her mother who's holding her back.

Eventually your 8 year old will be 15 and then 18, and a father who did amazing things and always wanted to do them with her will be an asset. She'll be able to join you soon enough.

What she definitely does not need is two parents doing nothing anything interesting with their lives. The world has plenty enough of that.

[Pblais]

I found a job somewhere that observes international “Talk Like a Pirate Day”!

Members are urged to make an effort to celebrate on September 19th (maybe start early on Friday the 17th).

The 19th is not a "Pretend pirates get out of jail free" desiganted holiday. It's talking like one not acting like one. We hope to see many of you here. We may try a typing like a pirate assuming that is possible.

[AllezCat]

Hi SurferShane,
i am in exactly the same situation as you. 5 1/2 year old daughter.
4 years in divorce court.
I would like to buy another boat, but can't figure out the angles.
Rebel heart's advice is similar to what I've received from friends. Live your life and your daughter will be proud of what you have done.
I wish to be with my daughter daily. But I am rotting away here.
So I can't say what you could do I don't know what I am going to do. broker's are calling me with great (dropping) prices on boats...
only issue and is the same as yours-will the mother allow the child to visit? Mine accused me of abduction just for talking about it. And the judge took my Australian passport (i live in New York). But let me keep my US passport. hmmm?
All the best mate

[Feral Cement]

We don't take guilt trips around here, only sailing trips.

I think it's commendable that you ask for the collective insights and experiences of other sailing parents. Kids don't come with an owner's manual, and there is no such thing as getting it perfect. I've seen lousy parents raise great kids, and great parents raise lousy kids. Between your heart and your gut, you'll do OK. Just be sure you are telling yourself the truth.

John

[SurferShane]

Originally Posted by Pblais

Members are urged to make an effort to celebrate on September 19th (maybe start early on Friday the 17th).

The 19th is not a "Pretend pirates get out of jail free" desiganted holiday. It's talking like one not acting like one. We hope to see many of you here. We may try a typing like a pirate assuming that is possible.

It is definitely in the spirit of fun. As my new employer is family orientated and adjacent a school, I don’t think there will be any serious mention of “pillaging, plundering” and one or two of the other heinous crimes that are often included in the same phrase. As I have posted elsewhere it is just fun role-play that can make life on the boat and shore just that bit more colourful.

Maybe you need to post a moderator’s thread advising everyone of the event?

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by SurferShane

Maybe you need to post a moderator’s thread advising everyone of the event?

Good idea -

http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/...day-46570.html

[Talbot]

Getting back to Surfershane's little problem. There are some similarities to the position of the military guy (particularly Navy) who is constantly away from his children. The problem of maintaining your relationsip with the children following years of mainly absence and occassional weekend visits. Heck it's difficult enough maintaining a relationship with your wife who is supposed to understand. Almost impossible with young children.

It only works if the other partner is totally part of the support package. They have to keep the child focused on the idea of having a father that loves them, but due to work commitments is away somewhere trying to make the world a safer place. If the other partner is not committed to this, then the relationship with your child will suffer.

I am talking from personal experience.

[Wotname]

Originally Posted by rusky

Hey Shane,

I have walked your shoes a little

Kids are very adaptable and cope perfectly with most things. Normal for your daughter is different to normal for another 5yo. She will however be very astute and pick up your stress. So if you are happy, and being a great dad when she sees you - all is good in her world. Be accessible with skype or whatever - we foung the 3G network works well up the coast.

PS Round Hill Ck entrance had a slow 2' break, perfect for a mal a few weeks ago

Originally Posted by SurferShane

After a meeting with the school it looks like my plans will be delayed till she is at least ready to attend. No problems though, in the meantime I can do a bit of outfitting, get the daughter swimming properly and train her up as a deckhand (makes me feel a bit guilty about child exploitation, but sure is the healthy option in comparison to buying her an X-box and dumping her in front of a TV?). There are places either side of me where there are decent harbours, islands and/or protected waterways to explore. Hey, at least I found a job somewhere that observes international “Talk Like a Pirate Day”! http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html

Originally Posted by daddle

I've left my child, a high school student, behind. For the past 4 years I've only been with her intermittently. Visiting every few months. She stay's with her mother, which she doesn't like much. We're very close. She was and is the world's most perfect daughter as far as I can tell.

Whose to say what is best? How can you ever know? It's your choice. Leaving will make a difference in your and her life. So what?

You've already said too much about your situation. It all irrelevant.

"It just doesn't matter. And 'So what?' if it does." Anon.

Originally Posted by Talbot

Getting back to Surfershane's little problem. There are some similarities to the position of the military guy (particularly Navy) who is constantly away from his children. The problem of maintaining your relationsip with the children following years of mainly absence and occassional weekend visits. Heck it's difficult enough maintaining a relationship with your wife who is supposed to understand. Almost impossible with young children.

It only works if the other partner is totally part of the support package. They have to keep the child focused on the idea of having a father that loves them, but due to work commitments is away somewhere trying to make the world a safer place. If the other partner is not committed to this, then the relationship with your child will suffer.

I am talking from personal experience.

Hi SurferS,
All the posts (so far) have something valuable in them - I have just quoted the ones that most resonant with me.
I can't really answer your original question but want to say (based on my own experience) is to "be" the best dad you can and do whatever you need to do that comes from your heart. That maybe staying close by your daughter but it may be travelling far but maintaining whatever relationship you can by whatever means.

If you do that, you will create the "best" relationship that is possible with her in your personal circumstances. She is young and she will only ever really know life as it occurs for her.

IMO, you will have much more problems with the mother as she already has certain expectations as to how you should behave and I am guessing that her expectations will be very different to yours.

Again (and I think you already know his), keep these two matters separate. FWIW, I have always had to think of the "ex" as "the mother of my child" rather than something else .

Good luck and fair winds on this journey - it will be far more complex than a "solo nonstop unassisted circumnavigation" but maybe you will find a way to do both - keep looking