I Don't Know What To Do

[SmartMove]

Originally Posted by boatman61

One question... how does your partner feel about this... in support..?
Or is this an independent action by you...?
Don't let the choices of others screw up your life... believe me... its never worth the cost..

I've had folk on here convinced I'm an alcoholic... several have sent me AA online links....
Some like Jedi who've seen me unwind after a stressful few months may be convinced... other members who've seen/know me in everyday mode know full well I'm not... things are not always as clear cut as they may appear...
Just saying...

He's a non confrontational kind of guy, but if I got myself into a mess he would come save me.

We did talk last night about what would be a reasonable approach to this and are in agreement about what I posted above.

You are definitely right about appearances not always being as they appear and everyday mode. So have you gone to you AA meeting today?

Robyn

[terminalcitygrl]

An imminently sensible, compassionate approach to a difficult problem. Good on you Robyn.

[JPA Cate]

TO SMART MOVE AND TERMINAL CITY GIRL:

Well done, ladies. Excellent advice TCG, and great good sense shown by SM. The situation described can come as quite a shock when you're out cruising. SM responded with reasonable caution, kindliness, and good will. My guess is that SM will be moving before the month is out, from "itchy keel", if nothing else, so she is not positioned to do "an intervention". But quietly providing the information is one way to possibly help, and on the "victim's" schedule, not ours, which is also as it should be.

To o_q: the reason an intervention can save lives is that abused women can die from internal injuries and be so badly injured they cannot escape.

To Teknav, obviously, for whatever reason, you think your career might be threatened by involving yourself. You are best placed to make that decision.

However, I do think that Smart Move's plan to provide information (even if she has to download and print it herself) is a laudable move. It may actually help another human being. It is unlikely to hurt her.

Now, confronting the perpetrator of the violence is another matter. The sort of person who beats on one woman will not hesitate to beat on another, especially if he's angry. So I think if it becomes necessary to confront him, it should be by a group, large enough to encourage some prudence in him, preferably including some of the marina staff, but at least including enough large people to provide a deterrent to more violence.

Ann

[Matt sachs]

My best friend was a domestic violence advocate/ councelor for 12 years. This situation sucks no matter where (or who ) you are.
Here are a few things I have learned over the past few years.
1) Confronting him will make it worse - every time
2) At our local shelter roughly half the abused go back to the abuser 7 (yes 7) times.
3) She needs to be made aware of any help that is avalible quietly, do not force it on her. A small flier in the ladies room is a good idea.
4) Some abusers are smart enough not to cause bruises that show in public.
5) If you are willing, let her know your house (boat) is a safe place for her.
6) You cannot force her to seek help but you can let her know its there for her.

[JPA Cate]

Matt sachs:

Great post! Thank you.

Ann

[Uncle Bob]

Originally Posted by Teknav

Not here or there...think hard about what the consequences might be, if it backfires! Why do you think most physicians on board of planes will NOT answer a call "Is there a doctor on board?". LIABILITY/MALPRACTICE LAW SUITS are very expensive AND can be career ending; that is why. If someone has a problem, don't make it yours; unless specifically asked to intervene.

Mauritz
Good Samaritan when asked...

Strange, while I was flying whenever the call for anyone medically trained onboard the aircraft has been made there has ALWAYS been at least one doctor and often more, offer assistance along with nursing staff.
BTW this was not an uncommon event.

[Mr B]

If you do front the bloke thats being abusive, Make sure you have a small group with you,

It will keep the violence out of it, By your self, You might get battered,

Well done for stepping in,

[boatman61]

Okay... lets just step back a moment..
Allegedly there's abuse going on...
I asked about screaming and the answer was "Its the quiet..."... so have we sounds of slapping... bodies bouncing of the hull... what exactly is the reason for suspicion... it has not been stated as far as I can see... is there a raised male voice.. WHAT IS THE EVIDENCE..
As far as confronting the guy (been there done that) its my experience these guys are cowards and won't risk getting hurt themselves... else he'd be down the bar at night time getting into punch ups to ease his frustrations...
Need a lot more to go on here...
And another thing... everyones good at advise when they're to far away for any crap to come their way.. there's very few who will stand up on the spot... most walk or run the other way..
Tread carefully..

[atoll]

my wife was concerned about a girl in a similar situation many years ago,we bought her a plane ticket out of the country and took her to the airport whilst the partner was away
i still belive the 1000 dollars it cost us was well spent

the guy really was a psycopath money talks ******** walks,if you really want to help this girl get her on a plane home

[SmartMove]

Originally Posted by boatman61

Okay... lets just step back a moment..
Allegedly there's abuse going on...
I asked about screaming and the answer was "Its the quiet..."... so have we sounds of slapping... bodies bouncing of the hull... what exactly is the reason for suspicion... it has not been stated as far as I can see... is there a raised male voice.. WHAT IS THE EVIDENCE..
As far as confronting the guy (been there done that) its my experience these guys are cowards and won't risk getting hurt themselves... else he'd be down the bar at night time getting into punch ups to ease his frustrations...
Need a lot more to go on here...
And another thing... everyones good at advise when they're to far away for any crap to come their way.. there's very few who will stand up on the spot... most walk or run the other way..
Tread carefully..

When I said quiet I did not mean it that way. There is vocal 'please stop' among others and crying. When I said quiet it is because she is trying not to be heard. At least that is the way it sounds to me.

[boatman61]

Originally Posted by SmartMove

When I said quiet I did not mean it that way. There is vocal 'please stop' among others and crying. When I said quiet it is because she is trying not to be heard.

Thanks SM... now we have to figure out if its physical or mental cruelty... the first is easy to spot... over dressing... long sleeves and dresses or slacks... hides any bruise's... some sadists are clever and know where/how to hit without bruising or maybe nipple twisting... where it don't show...
Mental cruelty... that's something else... constant put downs, accusations, the list can vary depending on the victims weakness...
The crazy thing is they often believe they deserve it in some weird way... some will even provoke the abuse to get the attention they feel is normal in some strange reality...
Often... if they do break away they'll seek out and repeat the pattern with someone new..
But... this does not answer your dilemma...
Try the leaflets in the Ladies and see what happens.. that's the best you can do without getting sucked to far in.. that could get physical... and possibly involve assault charges against your man..
My 0.000000000000000001 centime of advice

[Synesthesia]

If you think it's abuse based on what you're hearing, you are most likely correct. Hearing someone crying, begging, and trying to be quiet about it sounds heartbreaking

I have heard abuse before and there is no mistaking it. My old apartment was next to a unit where violence took place sometimes, and I'd bet my next paycheck that it was domestic violence. I could hear my neighbor crying, begging, pleading, the sounds of impact, a man screaming totally out of control, and on one occasion she (or something heavy) was thrown into wall so violently that I'm amazed nothing came through it. It was so jarring my cat hid under the bed the rest of the day. So what did I do? I called 911! More than once. That's what you do (or equivalent to 911 in your land) when you hear something horrifying like that. Some day they worry the abuser will just be angry and beat them worse next time. The sun coming up may be a reason to beat the victim more next time. And who's to say that this beating won't be fatal, especially if the person is intoxicated and thus even more out of control? I moved about 4 months ago... I hope that someone else will call the police from now on.

Where I live there was a case where a woman was murdered in a store by a coworker after it closed, the workers in the store next door heard her screaming and begging for her life and did NOTHING. She might have lived if they'd dialed 3 digits on their phones, even if the police didn't get there in time to stop the assault paramedics may have been able to stop the blood loss.

Having said all that, SmartMove I understand you being a little leery about what to do next since you aren't familiar with the country. I think you've already done a lot by reaching out to her and asking some questions. You're showing that you care, that this woman has some worth. To victims of DV that can mean a lot... hopefully someday she will decide to leave.

[SmartMove]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

TO SMART MOVE AND TERMINAL CITY GIRL:

Well done, ladies. Excellent advice TCG, and great good sense shown by SM. The situation described can come as quite a shock when you're out cruising. SM responded with reasonable caution, kindliness, and good will. My guess is that SM will be moving before the month is out, from "itchy keel", if nothing else, so she is not positioned to do "an intervention". But quietly providing the information is one way to possibly help, and on the "victim's" schedule, not ours, which is also as it should be.

Ann

Thanks Ann. You are right we are not here for much longer and I cannot do much more than to try to pass on info on resources to help and my friendship.

I think I will print out everything I can find that could be of help tomorrow and put it in an envelope. I will pass it in to her before we leave but while he is out buying beer. She can choose what to do with it. There is another boat here (long term) that is also concerned, so I will give the same info to them.

Robyn

[SmartMove]

Originally Posted by atoll

my wife was concerned about a girl in a similar situation many years ago,we bought her a plane ticket out of the country and took her to the airport whilst the partner was away
i still belive the 1000 dollars it cost us was well spent

the guy really was a psycopath money talks ******** walks,if you really want to help this girl get her on a plane home

You know i think i would be willing to do that but She would have to be willing to go and I don't think it is at that point yet. And, as Boatie has pointed out, I do not know for sure what the situation is, it is just gut instinct.

[SmartMove]

Thanks Synesthesia.