Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet

[fatherchronica]

The most miserable, saddest, loneliest person on earth is a noncustodial parent. But time flies and heals all wounds. If it were me,I would make sure that she wasn't just through being married and if that is not the issue I would sell the boat and move wherever makes the family happy. If the marriage is over for her I would sell the big boat and buy a smaller live aboard to be with my kids as much as possible while they grow up. Either way as soon as they are both kids are of age I would go cruising with my girlfriend or second wife, or alone. Make sure that if you stay married ashore that you hang onto to the anger and disappointment so you can go cruising later guilt free. I went through something not too dissimilar as a young man. My first wife, so I was informed later, slept with several of my friends in the marina on my boat to put a thorough kibosh on cruising plans I thought we shared . Then, after we were divorced would not allow my son to accompany me, my wife and extended family on charters out of the country. It took me a long time to get going, I remarried a couple years later, raised more family, won custody of my son, got old, but when I had no more real commitments my second wife, of 36 years by then, one day said " what do you want to do now?". And a month later our home of 27 years was in escrow and a year later we were on our way to Mexico. I love her a lot, but I like to think if she had said she wasn't up for it that I would be on a smaller boat somewhere with my girlfriend, or third wife, or alone. That is just me, and I have no clue if I would have or could have gone without her. You only go around once, I hope, and though you always hear and feel that your love is one in a million, I think that there are millions of mates that you could have as good or better relationships with. Much of good relationships is compromise and you have to decide how big of ones you will make.

[bvimatelot]

Sounds to me that Magellanyachts has pointed out a couple of good and reasonably affordable options...

[rwidman]

A boating forum is not an ideal place to look for solutions to relationship issues. I'll suggest a marriage counselor.

[barnakiel]

Well, mate, I feel for you.

You have made a communication error somewhere along the road. This is very easy when you make 4 years' long plans - think of it: 4 persons times 4 years - in how many ways can this go wrong? It just did. Sit on the waterfront, look at the sun playing with the wavelets, think . Huh? There were some telltales that you preferred not to address as they came when they came. Yes?No?Maybe?

Maybe not. At times we are led to believe things are fine. We are not told the truth, even when we ask. And not always out of ill will. At times our family and friends lie to us, to protect us. Most of our dogs do not talk either. Our bad.

So to say, try to learn forward, and sure like the houses blame no-one, not even yourself.

And not all hope is lost!

I think it is 100% fine for you to ask your family to sit together. Explain your dream is still there (is it?). Then ask them to participate on the grounds that fit everyone - perhaps you can sail the boat out, then they can fly in, then you can have an extended vacation in a nice place like say Antigua and Barbuda. And after this vacation period you can sit down once again and see if anybody changed their mind. For it could as well be you!

So, bear with me if I stretched my poetic license to paint a picture that might not be quite where you are at. But I hate to see a dreamer's dream come to a halt exactly when an extra push would fit better. I hope and do believe you can still make this work. Patience, listening and compromise are great tools to get thru the thick and thin of our cruising&otherwise lives.

My fingers crossed. Do not give up yet.

Best regards,
barnakiel

[Emouchet]

Check Annie Dyke video #75 on www.havewindwilltravel.com

How to Get Your Wife to Go Cruising:
https://youtu.be/yCcSgOeWSY4

You may grab a few tips...

[akprb]

Friend, there is much more going on than a trip. You know that.

As I read I noticed a few small "tells". I talk "to" my wife, an experience that "my" kids can't get.....

The "immorality" of a big house? That's a huge statement, perhaps she's agreeable for other reasons? She seems to be saying her concerns pretty clearly and I'm sure you have addressed each objection logically and elaborately.

Not taking any sides and I know there are two sides to every story.

You said something else, "communication is not our strong suit".

You'll be living in a confined space with two children who will be watching every move. Communication is the one thing you need over every other gadget for a success marriage or cruise.

Self knowledge first and a close examination of yourself with the guidance of a good counselor. At this point it's not about her, it's about you. What you decide will affect your children for a long time.

Respectfully and I've been there as well.

[Shrew]

Will you be able to abandon your plans and not resent her for it? I see a lot of communication talk in the threads, but I think that time has passed. It is clear that you want one thing and she wants another. Understanding why she chose to placate you, then to sabotage those plans is somewhat irrelevant. She is entitled to her opinion on this, as are you. The question is, can you live with the change in plans?

[GregW1309]

Last year there was a hurricane June 1, first day of the hurricane season. Do some research at the hurricane center, lots of data there.

Why don't you go north instead and spend the summer cruising Maine / Nova Scotia. Give your wife a chance to do an extended cruise without the big commitment and less chance of a hurricane. Beautiful up three and a challenge too.

[GregW1309]

Plus the Caribean is too warm with awful humidity in the summer. Go north and then decide about the Caribean in the fall , so you have a shot at nice weather during the winter.

[Shrew]

The issue isn't 'Weather' to go, but rather "Whether" to go. The objection isn't to go north or south. The objection is going at all. If the plan were October rather than June, I don't think the outcome would be any different.

The focus should be on going, not WHEN. Unless WHEN is 10 - 15 years down the road.

[akprb]

I shared this post with Dear Wife who has sailed all over the Caribbean, crossed the Pacific with two toddlers and has observed cruising couples for over two decades.

She shared the stories of the train wreck marriages that are magnified in the close quarters of long term cruising.

Her two cents, work on yourself and the marriage. (my two cents as a husband is "lead" in this arena) Her other observation was the age of the kids. We left when ours were 1 and 4. No real life experience yet and the boat life was what they knew. At 6 and 8 or so kids do have roots, friends, routines and a say.....so to speak. She thinks it's tougher to delay but that "ship has sailed" in your case so to speak.

At this point we have kind of a hybrid cruising life. This may be an option for you, addresses her concerns and yours. My wife no longer cares for the long ocean bits yet I still do. Our girls are older, one still in high school, one has graduated. Basically I go sailing/cruising A LOT and generally bring one of the girls. This has been a blessing as a father to have this concentrated time with one. On the ends of these trips I generally spend a week or longer moving the boat or preparing it alone or with guy friends who join me.

Dear wife joins when she wants and enjoys the beautiful places we experienced as a young couple without all the beating to weather and long motoring. Happy compromise :-)

Praying for you. Her final thought was as a couple you have to be together "mind, body and spirit".

deep thoughts :-)

[vlathom]

zstine:

Holy moly. If there was ever a reason for counseling, you all have it. You don't need this forum to give you more reasons for feeling judgmental.

FYI, the lifestyle conflict you are dealing with is not unusual, but often is a proxy for another more basic problem. Take it from me: a woman cruiser of 50 years, who's been there, done that "where you are."

[skipmac]

First I think Weavis, Kenomac and akprb raise several very valid and critical points.

1. June IS hurricane season. You don't mention that as a reason for canceling by your wife but maybe ask her.

2. Summer in the Caribbean is hot and not the best time to go.

3. The biggest issue but of course only hearing one side of the situation, sounds like a problem in the relationship. IF your wife agreed fully to the plan and, without solid, sound, specific reasons, backed out at the last minute then by her actions she has created a problem in the relationship.

The core issue seems to be communications between the two of you. As noted, don't talk "to" her but with her. If you can agree, go see a marriage counselor.

I would also suggest an alternate plan to leaving in June for the Caribbean. New England is a fantastic place to cruise in the summer. You have Block Island, Nantucket, Narragansett Bay, Mystic CT, Long Island, the Cape, Maine, even NYC. Spend the summer closer to home doing slightly longer trips without burning the land bridge. Let your wife build her comfort level. THEN, when NE starts getting cold and nasty work your way south in easy steps. If the wife doesn't want to make the big jumps get a crew and move the boat to FL and have her fly to meet you. Make an easy trip to the Bahamas. Baby steps. Then see where this leads you.

[sailcrazy]

That's why you are the "Captain"......and she's the Admiral! I would also caution you on a family of 4, with smaller kids, without a lot of cruising experience or exposure, on a 41'boat. How well do you spell close! Yes, it has been done, and can be done....but... maybe not in your situation??? We've been on our 43'boat-just the 2 of us-for several years....and it's close-sometimes to close. Now add 2 small kids, with minds and tantrums of their own......well, from our experience I would not recommend it. The cruising lifestyle can be great fun, or can be hell. Remember the saying that used to be all over the Latitudes and Attitudes mag... the difference between an ordeal and an adventure-is attitude. Time to rethink your adventure.

[Larry Florida]

A quick 2 cents:

As mentioned above the departure date of June 1 is too risky weather wise. This raises questions about the plan.

The wife backing out at the last minute is unacceptable, a relationship breaker. Your dream is not her dream.

T41 is a nice boat.

1 for 3 is not bad