I was in this exact situation about 15 years ago when I was still a rookie and a big thunderhead drifted by. I learned a lot.
Learn to twist off the top of your
sails. Both the
jib and the main. You do this by easing the
sheets and dumping
wind out the top of the
sails. You should easily be able to sail on a beat or tight reach in 20
knot winds with this method, at least in the short term.
I would suggest that you do not drop the
jib. If you only have the main up then you won't be able to tack through the
wind and you will have the lee
helm that you experienced. If you must drop a sail then drop the main. With just the jib you can probably tack. It was exactly because I dropped the jib that I needed
rescue by the local fire department in the above situation 15 years ago (and is the reason why I've gone to such an extent to learn how to avoid it.)
With both sails up, if you are pinching up so much that you can not tack, then you are pinching too much. You have to keep the
boat sailing under your control, not the wind's control. Ease the
sheets and
head down.
When you want to tack, ease both the main and the jib sheets by a foot, then
head down slightly to pick up speed, and then tack.
In my book I write about "emotional inertia". This is where you are too nervous to make a necessary maneuver (like a gybe in high winds) and instead end up in a worse situation. (see fire department
rescue above). Some times you just have to make the decision to take the risk.
Keep practicing. Like anything worthwhile you will get comfort with experience and by asking here. You should try something "outside your skill level" every time you go sailing. In a couple of years you will be laughing at 20 knots.
Have fun.