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Old 04-07-2010, 02:32   #1
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Tools Explained

Tool descriptions for the handyman

A tall upright machine
useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you
in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing
could get to it.Darn things often make holes to big!

Cleans paint off bolts and
then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from
fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, "Oh, ****!"

A portable cutting tool used to
make studs too short.

Used to
round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.

An electric sanding tool
commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing

One of a
family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a
crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can
also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.

Used almost entirely for
lighting various flammable objects in your shop
on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub out of which you want to
remove a bearing race..

A large stationary power tool
commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.

Used for lowering an
automobile to the ground after you have
installed your new brake shoes, trapping
the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

large stationary power saw primarily used by
most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into
smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the
line instead of the outside

A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to

Normally used to stab
the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

A tool for opening paint
cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering
your palms.

tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50 cent part.

A tool used to make hoses too short.

employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the
most expensive parts adjacent the object we are
trying to hit.

Used to open and slice through
the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to
your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records,
liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing
work clothes, but only while in use..

Son of a b*tch
Any handy tool that you grab and
throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a
b*tch" at the top of your
lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
that you will need.

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Old 04-07-2010, 02:45   #2
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That became harder to read as my eyes filled with tears of laughter.

The first 30 years are the worst. If you keep practicing with the tools, experience does eventually over come the inherent difficulties.
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Old 04-07-2010, 04:24   #3
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Indeed ...
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Old 04-07-2010, 04:40   #4
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Excellent , on a similar theme for those that may have not seen the Army Pipe Specification. I don't know how old this list is but my father saw this when he was servicing in Malaya when it was spelt Malaya.

Military Specification of Pipes

1. All pipe is to be made out of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic, centred around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different lengths than the pipe.

3. The Inside Diameter (ID) of all pipe must not exceed the Outside Diameter (OD), otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be provided without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site. Note: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.

6. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side and end so that the contractor will know that it is a long pipe.

7. All pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so that the contractor will not have to walk the length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long pipe or a short pipe.

8. All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it so that the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left handed or right handed, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand threads, but do not mix the threads, otherwise as the coupling is being screwed in one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.

13. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.

14. Joints in pipes for piping water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.

15. Lengths of pipe may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.

16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include: Conduit, Tube, Tunnel and Drain. Use only genuine pipe.

17. Scottish regiments in the army use pipes in unusual ways. These are not approved in engineering circles.
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Old 04-07-2010, 05:39   #5
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You are just the kind of employee I need. After working with the public in muffler shops for 33 years I need some humor, and watching you work would surely supply lots of it!..........i2f
SAILING is not always a slick magazine cover!
BORROWED..No single one of is as smart as all of us!
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Old 04-07-2010, 09:40   #6
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I took my son's truck to the local shop known for the best prices at the time. We were talking, and he went out into the shop to do something. Next I knew he was in great pain holding his hand in the cold water of the water fountain. He got distracted and started welding across his fingers!
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Old 04-07-2010, 09:51   #7
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You guys are priceless.

You cant make this stuff up.
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Old 04-07-2010, 10:13   #8
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Cheers, how true!
" Wisdom; is your reward for surviving your mistakes"
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Old 05-07-2010, 20:13   #9
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Thank you for the laugh....I needed it
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Old 06-07-2010, 20:34   #10
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Needed a good laugh today
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Old 19-07-2010, 08:23   #11
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I thought I might be the only one who did those things. I swear I've put my cherry picker to the test every time I've pulled an engine. Seems 2 tons is just a recommendation, you can actually lift a truck off the ground by the engine. That's funny, I think I've done every single thing his list shows as "alternative" definitions.
Barry D.
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