The New Joke Thread

[StuM]

M wife says I have only two faults:


I don't listen and some other sh*t she was rattling on about.

[StuM]

reading

[GordMay]

In 2020, Columbus Day will be observed on Monday, October 12, coincidentally exactly the same day as Thanksgiving in Canada.
On October 12, 1492, Columbus landed in the Bahamas, becoming the first European to explore the Americas, since the Vikings established colonies in Greenland and Newfoundland during the 10th century.

Happy Columbus Day, America.

Q: What happened in 1492?
A: Native Americans (Arawak) discovered Columbus.

Columbus discovered the new world ...
... much as a meteorite discovered the Dinosaurs.

A store near me is offering a Columbus Day sale.
I'm going to walk in, take whatever I want, and kill anyone who tries to stop me.

Happy Thanksgiving, Canada.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She turned to the stock boy and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
"No, ma'am," he replied. "They're dead."

Q: If Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be known for?
A: Their age!

Q: What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.

[Yellowtulip]

Originally Posted by ChrisJHC

I thought I’d use the very rare form of the word to show how a real pedant thinks!

I think we’ve tortured this thread enough now.

I bow to your superior pedantism!

[Yellowtulip]

Originally Posted by StuM

Not yet, we haven't addressed pedanticism

Here's one:
There should be a full stop at the end of your sentence.

[GordMay]

[Karanga]

If this is a true story about a 6 year old child, it is a shockingly sad indictment on the state of our western world, for so many reasons.
It is also rather funny...

Originally Posted by StuM

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My 6-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty, peace & justice for all. Amen!”

Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why -- I never!”

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?”

After I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grandson and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.”

“Really?” my grandson asked.

“Cross my heart,” the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul.”

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, “Here ma’am, this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. Shove it up your ass and cool off!”

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it!

[dfelsent]

Originally Posted by Yellowtulip

Here's one:
There should be a full stop at the end of your sentence.

Are you a degreed pedanticist?

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Karanga

If this is a true story about a 6 year old child, it is a shockingly sad indictment on the state of our western world, for so many reasons.
It is also rather funny...

It's certainly not a true story with regard to "1 took my ...."
And I doubt that it has ever really happened for anyone else.


It's a joke!

[Yellowtulip]

Originally Posted by dfelsent

Are you a degreed pedanticist?

No, just a degraded one.

[socaldmax]

If that story about the kid was true, it would have been from the early 50's, which was the last time anyone under 75 used the term "cool off."

"Chill out" replaced that term by the 60's.

[skipmac]

Originally Posted by Adelie

Standard clip is 7.

Doesn’t mean there aren’t aftermarket clips with 8 but then they protrude past the butt of the grip in which case why stop at 8.

Not that I have owned any or fired dozens of these but the few I have all had magazines that held 8 rounds plus one in the chamber (not recommended by the way).

To be sure I looked at the Colt firearms manual and yes the original 1911 has a 7 round magazine but later versions of the 45 auto that look quite the same had magazines that hold from 6 to 9 rounds.


https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/m...90+pistols.pdf

[belizesailor]

Originally Posted by sailorphil9

Not wishing to be pedantic, but to re-ground this as a joke thread:


Wife to husband: Please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later, her husband came home with 6 cartons of milk.

His wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."


No doubt some of you will wish to anal-yze the clauses and punctuation of the 'joke' and say that the husband misinterpreted his wife's instruction.

Does Stu's wife still need avocados? [emoji6]

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by belizesailor

Does Stu's wife still need avocados? [emoji6]

Yes, because the pictures never downloaded so he doesn't know what to buy.

[darylat8750]

Originally Posted by StuM

Please:

My best effort of combining guns and jokes on short notice: Charlene of the red light district wanted a firearm for protection. Her pimp was an "Infantry! Follow ME!" kind of guy. He gave her an M1A instead of an AR15 because it uses stripper clips instead of magazines.