The New Joke Thread

[ArmyDaveNY]

Originally Posted by El Pinguino

So now the Joke thread is a Gun thread.... that is funny...

How about both?

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.

You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, Times up?

Two issues with this. First, it is not an automatic. It is a semi-automatic pistol. Second, everyone knows that the .45 makes a good amount of noise, and the neighbors may well hear this. It might be better to use a .380 with a suppressor.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Adelie

Standard clip is 7.

Doesn’t mean there aren’t aftermarket clips with 8 but then they protrude past the butt of the grip in which case why stop at 8.

Please:

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by El Pinguino

So now the Joke thread is a Gun thread.... that is funny...

Q. Can pedants be cured or is it for life??

Better than the political joke thread that it has become.

[Uncle Bob]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Better than the political joke thread that it has become.

Hey, not our fault that politics has become a joke.

[dfelsent]

Originally Posted by El Pinguino

So now the Joke thread is a Gun thread.... that is funny...

Q. Can pedants be cured or is it for life??

Epoxy can be cured.

[StuM]

Dog Beers

[JPA Cate]

Can it be cured? Nope, it's chronic.

Ann

[Yellowtulip]

Originally Posted by ChrisJHC

It should be:
Can pedantism be cured...

No.
Can pedantry be cured?

Or better: "Is it possible to cure someone of pedantry?"

[StuM]

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My 6-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty, peace & justice for all. Amen!”

Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why -- I never!”

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?”

After I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grandson and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.”

“Really?” my grandson asked.

“Cross my heart,” the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul.”

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, “Here ma’am, this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. Shove it up your ass and cool off!”

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it!

[ChrisJHC]

Originally Posted by Yellowtulip

No.
Can pedantry be cured?

Or better: "Is it possible to cure someone of pedantry?"

I thought I’d use the very rare form of the word to show how a real pedant thinks!

I think we’ve tortured this thread enough now.

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by El Pinguino

So now the Joke thread is a Gun thread.... that is funny...

Q. Can pedants be cured or is it for life??

Anal-ytically, pedants can be cured of that annoying sphincter controlling mindset thru invasive surgery

But the danger is that they become Pundits and adopt a more Punishing form of communication.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by ChrisJHC

I thought I’d use the very rare form of the word to show how a real pedant thinks!

I think we’ve tortured this thread enough now.

Not yet, we haven't addressed pedanticism

[sailorphil9]

Not wishing to be pedantic, but to re-ground this as a joke thread:


Wife to husband: Please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later, her husband came home with 6 cartons of milk.

His wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."


No doubt some of you will wish to anal-yze the clauses and punctuation of the 'joke' and say that the husband misinterpreted his wife's instruction.

[sailorphil9]

Some of the top one liners from a recent Edingburgh Fringe:


1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

[sailorphil9]

During a trial in Mississippi, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot, when you haven’t got the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state… Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died on the spot.

Suddenly, the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said… “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll have you both sent down".