The New Joke Thread

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Montanan

2020 be like:

So you're getting lots of head?
Is the digit reciprocating at the same time?

[D&D]

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds. You'll love it:

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other peoples.'

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.

They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually, grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bedtime, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

[LakeSuperior]

A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.

He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, “What’s the occasion?”

“My career’s in ruins!” the lad cackles.

The man, shocked, replies, “Then why the hell are you celebrating?”

“I’ve just completed my PhD in archaeology!”

[LakeSuperior]

A police officer just arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states.

Solid, liquid, and gas.

[LakeSuperior]

A prisoner called Drea wants to prove her strength...

So she starts a weightlifting competition and wins!

Turns out the powerhouse of the cell is the might of con Drea.

[LakeSuperior]

Doctor: Sir, I'm sorry to say-

Sara: No, it's Ma'am. Do NOT misgender me or I will report you.

Doctor: Okay well, ma'am, you have testicular cancer.

[LakeSuperior]

Another variation...

If and eel has a maw with a pharyngeal jaw, that's a moray.

When you swim in the sea, and an eel bites your knee, that's a moray.

If King Kong has gone flat, rent the flick Vampire Bat: that's some more Wray.

When a grid's misaligned with another behind, that's a moire.

[MicHughV]

Housewife to contractor " My front entrance is quite dark, what can I do to lighten it up and make it look more inviting ? "

Contractor "shave it"......

[socaldmax]

Housewife to contractor " My back entrance is quite dark, what can I do to lighten it up and make it look more inviting ? "

Contractor "bleach it"......

[MicHughV]

Food inspector in an Irish bakery catches Paddy using his false teeth to do the edge design on the edge of the apple pies...

"Paddy" she screams at him..."what are you doin'....have you not got a tool ?"

"Aye, I do" Paddy replies "but I use that for the donuts"

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

Another variation...

If and eel has a maw with a pharyngeal jaw, that's a moray.

When you swim in the sea, and an eel bites your knee, that's a moray.

If King Kong has gone flat, rent the flick Vampire Bat: that's some more Wray.

When a grid's misaligned with another behind, that's a moire.

Lake, those are Superior! (Especially the last one)

Jim

[socaldmax]

In my best Lake Superior voice...

[LakeSuperior]

A man stopped in at the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition.

When he got home his wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!

"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she would have only a few days to live!

"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

[S-V SAGA]

Originally Posted by Two Skippies

A guy boards his plane and finds himself seated beside a gorgeous blonde.
They start up a conversation and the blonde introduces herself as Inga, and says she is a researching sexologist and studies things like which race makes the best lovers, which race has the largest penis etc. She goes on to state that the American Indian are definitely the best lovers, and Greeks seem to be the most well hung.
The guy then introduces himself. "Nice to meet you, I'm Tonto Papadopolous".

I like that one!

Stephen Wright told a similar one.

He's riding on the bus and a beautiful blonde asian girl sits next to him. Isn't it an amazing day he says to her. She says, Yeah I guess. Why so down he asks. I can't tell you, you're a complete stranger. Sometimes it's good to tell you're troubles to a complete stranger on a bus. Alright she says, I've just come from my analyst and he says I'm an incurable nymphomaniac who only gets turned on by jewish cowboys. By the way my name is Susan, what's yours? Hi I'm Bucky Goldstein.

[S-V SAGA]

So these hunters are out in the woods when they discover a huge hole in the ground. One of 'em throws a rock down and they don't here it hit bottom. We need to find something bigger to see how deep it is. They find a transmission and drag that over to the hole and roll it in. As they're waiting they hear a commotion in the bushes and a screaming goat charges at them. They dodge the goat and he dives down the hole. As they're staring in disbelief, a farmer comes down the trail and asks them if they've seen his goat. Craziest thing one of 'em says, he just charged at us and dove down this hole. The farmer says, that's impossible, I had him tied to a transmission.



It's easier to tell them than it is to type them.