The New Joke Thread

[goguygo]

[sailorphil9]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

[sailorphil9]

Bill catches a taxi home one evening, the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when Bill complains he becomes abusive.


Bill resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.

A week later Bill goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.
He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the driver that he doesn’t have any cash but, if he takes him home he’ll give him a blow job.
The cab driver goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.
Bill now gets into the second cab and makes that driver the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home. The second driver also refuses and kicks him out.
So now Bill gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.
As the cab drives off Bill smiles at the first two drivers and gives a big thumbs up…:encouragement:

[sailorphil9]

A man checks into his hotel on a business trip and, feeling a bit lonely, he thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He looked in a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Eroveronique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line...

[sailorphil9]

A sweet little girl is out in the back garden, digging a big deep hole.
A neighbour looks over the fence and says:
“Why are you digging that big deep hole?”
“My goldfish died,” the sweet little girl says, with a sob.
“I'm really sorry to hear that,” the neighbour says,
“but why such a big deep hole for a goldfish?”
The little girl gives him an evil look. “Because it's inside your fukcing cat.”

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by sailorphil9

A man checks into his hotel on a business trip and, feeling a bit lonely, he thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He looked in a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Eroveronique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line...

Well, if it sounds fantastic to the operator, no need to dial 9...

[socaldmax]

Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

Good: You and your wife agree, no more kids. Bad: She can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter has borrowed them.

Good: You give the "birds & bees" talk to your kids Bad: They keep interrupting. Ugly: With corrections and additional info.

Good: Your daughter has a new job. Bad: She's a hooker. Ugly: Your neighbors and co-workers are her best clients. Uglier: She makes more money than you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[OutOfControl]

Malka goes to consult with Dr. Cohen about reviving her husband’s libido.
“I’ll give you some Viagra,” he says .
“Thanks, but Moshe will never take it. Moshe hates pills.”
“In that case," says the doctor, "when he’s not looking drop one in his morning coffee. He won’t even know it’s there. Call me next week and let me know if it helped.”
When Malka calls the doctor he asks her how the little experiment worked out.
“We had mixed results, Dr. Cohen,” she says “The pill worked immediately . Within minutes, he leaped up to his feet, tore off my dress, and made love to me right there on the table.”
“That’s wonderful” says the doctor . “So what’s the problem?”
"I’m pretty sure they’ll never let us into that particular Starbucks again.”

[Montanan]

Karen

[ArmyDaveNY]

Originally Posted by Montanan

Karen

Of all the people who went into the water (as opposed to in a life boat) when the Titanic sank, only three survived (some accounts list only 1). They were all drunk.

When I was in college I worked on a paramedic rig, and before I started an IV or drew blood, I would wipe it down with alcohol.

THIS is why I drink. Safety is my prime concern!!

[StuM]

Originally Posted by ArmyDaveNY

Of all the people who went into the water (as opposed to in a life boat) when the Titanic sank, only three survived (some accounts list only 1). They were all drunk.

When I was in college I worked on a paramedic rig, and before I started an IV or drew blood, I would wipe it down with alcohol.

THIS is why I drink. Safety is my prime concern!!

I know this is the joke thread, but there is a growing problem with people drinking hand sanitizer for it's alcohol content. This is no joke.

[a64pilot]

Originally Posted by transmitterdan

Nothing came through???

404 file not found

[GILow]

Originally Posted by StuM

I know this is the joke thread, but there is a growing problem with people drinking hand sanitizer for it's alcohol content. This is no joke.

Breath freshener?