The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

a mug is really my cute handsome manly face......???

why, I never knew...I'll tell my wife...she always tells me " come here, you handsome mug"...so now I finally know....

thank you...thank you....thank you...

So if you wake up in the middle of the night and your wife has a towel on your face and she's pouring water on it, she's not waterboarding you, she's just filling up your "handsome mug"!

Got it!

[socaldmax]

This is when you tell the cops you have no idea who this girl is, certainly not your daughter.

[MicHughV]

ah, if you only knew.....my wife is a treasure......

[socaldmax]

It's a good thing the auto companies have installed all of these safety features to protect us and stupid people from themselves. How would this generation ever survive? It's not like barracuda swim up and swallow thousands like they do other species, but it seems like cars do a good job of separating the quick from the dead. Natural selection refuses to be circumvented either by legislation or technology.

A friend of mine once said to me, "We made a big mistake with airbags and seat belts. People go around driving like they can't die, no matter how stupid they get. Do you really want to see people drive safely? Install a sword on top of the dash, aimed right at their throat. THEN you'll see a lot of careful driving!"

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

ah, if you only knew.....my wife is a treasure......

Ah, understood!























































She's standing over your shoulder looking, isn't she? Understood!

[ArmyDaveNY]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

It's a good thing the auto companies have installed all of these safety features to protect us and stupid people from themselves. How would this generation ever survive? It's not like barracuda swim up and swallow thousands like they do other species, but it seems like cars do a good job of separating the quick from the dead. Natural selection refuses to be circumvented either by legislation or technology.

A friend of mine once said to me, "We made a big mistake with airbags and seat belts. People go around driving like they can't die, no matter how stupid they get. Do you really want to see people drive safely? Install a sword on top of the dash, aimed right at their throat. THEN you'll see a lot of careful driving!"

We would probably pay more attention to our driving if instead of an airbag a spike popped out when there was an accident.


The worst invention ever made was the automatic gearbox. Instead of actually knowing what you are doing you can not just put it into D for dummy and step on the gas!

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by ArmyDaveNY

We would probably pay more attention to our driving if instead of an airbag a spike popped out when there was an accident.


The worst invention ever made was the automatic gearbox. Instead of actually knowing what you are doing you can not just put it into D for dummy and step on the gas!

Agreed!

Another thing that's becoming more prevalent and really annoying me is the number of fat women driving SUVs (usually) who somehow cannot muster up enough arm strength to turn the steering wheel, even though they have power steering that's on max at low speeds and I can do it with my pinky. It's really bad in parking lots, when I come up to the "intersection" and I'm ll the way to the right and they make a wide turn that takes up both lanes. They stop, then look at me like *I* should back up. I glare at them and hold up my palms, like "What's next, genius?"

When I encountered a driver going the wrong way in a one way lane in a parking lot, I used to get right up to their grill in the middle of the lane and make them back up all the way to the end of the aisle to get out, since there was nowhere for us to pass each other and I certainly wasn't going to back up.

However, if there's room to pass, I'll move over, roll the window down and when I get right next to them I say, "Well, I've got a good idea who you're voting for in the next election, you f***ing genius!"

It gives them something to ponder as they sit there facing the wrong way.

[socaldmax]

[MicHughV]

this is probably not a joke...or maybe it is....

but these days almost everyone and their brother drives a truck...almost always a quad cab V8 4 wheel drive model the size of a small locomotive...and parking these behemoth's in today's parking spaces is nothing short of a joke....their size being one thing, but the 4 wheel drive limits their turning radius and just getting this beast anywhere near a parking space is an art unto itself.

I drive one myself and make it habit to always search out the parking space furthest away from the masses....even if it means I must walk 1/4 mile to my destination.....as it almost always takes me several back and forth movements to get it into my chosen spot.

is bigger....better ???

My first truck was a tiny 1,200cc 4 cylinder Datsun....5 speed manual...but it was a hoot and could do anything I asked of it....and parking was a snap.

I always watch folk trying to park these big trucks, seeing if there is something I could learn, but they seem to struggle as much as I do...

The modern day truck is a marvel of technology, luxury and electronics, but remains a bitch to park.

Seems the automotive makers have decided that size and bling sells more vehicles than good fuel consumption and practicality.

[ArmyDaveNY]

We should have tried this at the first sign of trouble.

[ArmyDaveNY]

I am sure none of us have ever held it in while walking around the beach.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

this is probably not a joke...or maybe it is....

but these days almost everyone and their brother drives a truck...almost always a quad cab V8 4 wheel drive model the size of a small locomotive...and parking these behemoth's in today's parking spaces is nothing short of a joke....their size being one thing, but the 4 wheel drive limits their turning radius and just getting this beast anywhere near a parking space is an art unto itself.

I drive one myself and make it habit to always search out the parking space furthest away from the masses....even if it means I must walk 1/4 mile to my destination.....as it almost always takes me several back and forth movements to get it into my chosen spot.

is bigger....better ???

My first truck was a tiny 1,200cc 4 cylinder Datsun....5 speed manual...but it was a hoot and could do anything I asked of it....and parking was a snap.

I always watch folk trying to park these big trucks, seeing if there is something I could learn, but they seem to struggle as much as I do...

The modern day truck is a marvel of technology, luxury and electronics, but remains a bitch to park.

Seems the automotive makers have decided that size and bling sells more vehicles than good fuel consumption and practicality.

I also have a 2500HD that I tow big 5vers with. I also try to park away from everyone else, maybe not at the very edge of the lot, but at least 5 or 6 spaces past the furthest car.

I found the easiest way to get into a tight parking spot is to head for the car across from the empty spot but one spot further down. I pull up as close as possible, then do a gentle turn as I back into the spot. I end up centered in the spot, but I still prefer parking away from all other cars.

Another trick I learned is when doing a u-turn at an intersection, most people turn the wheel really tight to the left, turn until they touch the curb, then back up a little and complete the turn and take off.

I found that if I swing as wide as possible to the right while making the left turn, then turn left really tight and just barely miss the crosswalk, I can complete the turn before getting to the corner of the curb and I don't have to stop, reverse, etc. I've seen semi trucks make u-turns like that without backing up.

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

In an effort not to look, I noticed her knees were extremely red. I'm trying hard not to draw any conclusions from that, for mental health reasons.

[MicHughV]

yah, I've seen some drivers that are pretty handy parking their trucks...but for every one of them there is a dozen, myself included, that find this exercise tasking.

My preferred parking space is the double parking spaces, where I'll just drive thru' the one space and park in the adjoining space, nose out, so I can just drive out, no reverse required. I see a lot of truck drivers doing this, so they must feel about it as I do.

I used to drive a 2500HD when I was working, as it was the work truck, lordy, lordy.....dat thang was a trip....like driving a tank.....but it could go anywhere and often did...drank gas like no tomorrow.